Tension in Reunion
Dear Paula,
In just a few days it will have been two years since I found my birthdaughter.
Many people will say this is still a very new relationship and, to an extent, they are right; on the other hand, I have loved this child unconditionally for all of her 32+ years, so that is nothing new.
People equate reunions with a roller coaster ride and talk of things like 'walking on eggs'. They are right.
I see it as something like a courtship. It takes lots of understanding and patience to fully develop at times. Maybe I should compare mine as 'love at first site' on my side and 'a growing thing' on my daughter's.
Of course, I shall never forget the excitement of our first phone call, or the thrill when I had found her pictured in her high school yearbook a few weeks before that, but it only got better. At first we emailed each other at least once a day. The first time she missed a night I thought I would die, so imagine how I felt when I didn't hear from her for a week!! I was sure I had joined the rejected list. She lives over 1000 miles from me so we did not meet for several weeks. Boy was that first meeting a hullaballoo!
She, of course, had to spend most of her vacation with her and her husband's parents, so we had to cram a lot into one day. My whole family had always known of her and they were all corresponding with her by then so we had a BIG family 4th of July BBQ.
Many say that first face-to-face should be private, and perhaps they are right; but hindsight is 20/20 and actually I think that day went very well. She, her husband, and children joined us for a Christmas celebration the day after the holiday this year and that too was hectic and exciting. It just feels like she was always a part of us.
Some see mine as a made-in-heaven reunion, and compared to many it is, although I think it is still a little strained for her. For instance she refers to her brother and sisters as just that and other relatives as what they are (cousins, etc.) but I am still just 'Lezli'.
Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of ever replacing her mother, but then, when I was carrying her I never thought I would be replaced either. She seemed to have a hard time accepting that I loved her as much as my other kids, but I think she has come to know it. I do believe her when she says she loves me too, but I sometimes think of our love as being the same as the difference between being 'in love' with someone and simply loving them.
At times I feel like a coveted 'toy' - the kind one really wants to have, but keeps on a shelf only to take down and admire and not wanting to 'share' with anyone. Does that make sense? I am in no way demeaning her feelings for me. I am sure they are there, just feel neglected at times, which I am sure is normal.
I do believe one of the reasons our reunion has worked is our honesty and respect for each other. I often tell people things like 'searching is the easy part' and 'dreams come true; fairy tales do not.' Those statements are so true. When we rediscover our birth children, they are who they ARE. We must accept them/this. They are not suddenly going to change to the fairy tale baby in our dreams. They are adults with minds, traditions, values, etc. of their own, having been built for many years. We have a choice - to accept this or move on. Granted many of our children are very much like us, moreso at times than our raised children; however, they are also very individual.
When I started my search, and throughout it, my biggest hope was to just find out 'who' and where she was and that she was all right. I always told myself that would be enough. So I feel very lucky indeed and everything else is just icing on the cake.
Best wishes,
Lezli
Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.
