Thanksgiving Rituals
Question: Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am thinking about family rituals. Why are family rituals important, and what can be gained by spending "family time" together, whether it's dinner or a "game night"?
Answer: Perhaps more than any other holiday, Thanksgiving gets me thinking about family rituals too. There's nothing like the smell of turkey, a nice fluffy mound of mashed potatoes, and a big slab of pumpkin pie to bring a family together. And each time those familiar Thanksgiving routines are repeated, the sights and sounds and smells conjure up images of all of the holidays that went before.
Rituals indeed are important to the strength of families and the well-being of children. First, holiday rituals are an intentional way of bringing the generations together. In today's world, most of our activities are done in age-segregated ways with kids at school or extracurricular activities, parents at work or meetings, and seniors too often out of sight. Family gatherings like Thanksgiving are a special time for all generations to enjoy and learn from each other. They present an opportunity for children to develop a sense of history, especially if Grandma and Grandpa can be persuaded to tell stories from their own youth (something the grandparents in our family are eager to do). More than any other factor, children's connection with caring adults leads to healthy developmental outcomes; family gatherings are a powerful way to maintain those connections from infancy to adulthood.
Of course, we don't have to wait for holidays to engage in celebrations or family rituals. Rituals can be as simple as a designated week night when all family members gather for pizza and board games, or a Sunday evening walk followed by hot chocolate. Many families even have daily rituals, such as bedtime prayers, a family reading hour, or a time to gather around the table and share a story about one good thing that happened that day. When these kinds of family activities are repeated in a predictable way, a child ís sense of security is deepened. These simple rituals can take on even greater significance for a child after a major change or loss. For example, following a divorce or death in the family, continuing familiar rituals can be a great source of strength and comfort to a child, sending a strong message of love and stability at a time of uncertainty.
As my University of Minnesota colleague Dr. William Doherty notes, family rituals are a way to be intentional, to declare and celebrate what we want our families to be. In his book, "The Intentional Family" (Avon Books, 1997), Dr. Doherty describes a variety of simple rituals families and friendship networks have used to build and nurture strong relationships in the midst of a fragmented and hectic world. From the most basic rituals around leaving or returning home, to the major rituals of holidays, weddings and even funerals, Dr. Doherty shines a light on how we can "tame time and technology" to become the kind of family we want to be.
Every member of the family can contribute to the rituals that define the intentional family. By helping shape those rituals, children learn that they have choices and they have an important role as a member of the family. Although predictability is an important quality of rituals, rituals need not be set in stone. As children grow older or the family changes, rituals can be re-examined and modified. And of course as children grow up and form their own families, they will decide what to carry forward and what to leave behind, just as we who are parents now are choosing the symbols and activities that will define our families.
Thanksgiving is a rare holiday in many ways, free of goblins and greed. It's a time to recognize and celebrate what we treasure our health, a warm house, beautiful fall weather, a job, tasty food, and, most of all, each other. So as we gather at our Thanksgiving tables this year, let's engage all members of our family, young and old, in thinking about how we can cherish each other and strengthen our bonds--intentionally. Let's think about how we, in small ways and large, can savor the closeness and coziness of Thanksgiving throughout our year.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
