Psycho-Social Needs of Grandparents Parenting a Second Shift

One of the biggest and most challenging tasks facing families today involves grandparents parenting their grandchildren. Across the country, a growing number of children are being parented by relatives other than their parents. According to the 1995 U.S. Census report, approximately 3.9 million children are being raised in grandparent-headed households. The U.S. Census further reported that approximately 1.5 million (38.5%) of these children are being raised by grandparents in households in which neither parent is present. When we take into consideration other related caregivers (e.g., older siblings, aunts, uncles, and great-grandparents), approximately 3.4 million children are being raised in households headed by a relative, and 2.1 million of those children are cared for by relatives without a parent present. Some basic reasons for this phenomenon, aside from the death of the biological parents, are that the parents physically or sexually abuse the children (or each other), are addicted to drugs or alcohol, are incarcerated, are mentally ill, are too poor to take care of the children, or are incapacitated by diseases such as AIDS.

Psycho-Social Issues

Many parenting grandparents face ongoing psycho-social issues around the basic physical, emotional, and financial adjustments they must make. Primarily, these individuals experience a sense of deprivation. They are deprived, first of all, of a positive relationship with their own children (the birth parents). Many of them grieve over the emotional death of their sons or daughters. Some of them try to rationalize away their grief by disowning their children. "That's not my daughter," one woman said. "Drugs have taken over. That's not the girl I raised, loved, and nurtured."

Some grandparents may feel deprived of a normal relationship with their grandchildren. One grandparent said to me, "I just want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I don't want to be their parent."

Many grandparents feel that parenting their grandchildren has forced them to give up activities they had looked forward to in their senior years, e.g., returning to school, traveling, changing careers, or just relaxing. They feel robbed of their age- and stage-appropriate social options.

Although many of these parenting grandparents hope that the arrangement will be temporary, many have found that it is permanent. As a consequence, the arrangement frequently results in grandparents feeling angry, embarrassed, guilty, and frustrated. They feel that they can no longer trust their adult sons and daughters, and they often wonder whether they are to blame for their children's behaviors. Having "failed" as parents with their own children, they question what they can improve this time, and wonder if they will "fail" a second time around. They also wonder how to counter the continuing negative influences of their children on their grandchildren. Throughout all this, they feel ambivalence toward both their children and their grandchildren-whom they love, on the one hand, and resent, on the other.

Many of these grandparents suffer in silence because they feel judged, criticized, and abandoned by their family, friends, and society. They may also feel embarrassed to acknowledge their ambivalent feelings and often put their physical and mental health on hold. Sometimes they are not sure whether they are just tired or really sick. On top of everything else, because the grandparents do not usually have legal custody of the grandchildren, they have a hard time obtaining basic medical, educational, and financial services for the children.

Coping with Birth Parents' Intrusions

Because of the love that these grandparents have for their adult sons and daughters, they often have a difficult time setting appropriate limits and boundaries for them. Thus, when a son or daughter shows up (perhaps on probation from prison), a grandparent's authority with the grandchildren may quickly be undermined by the son or daughter's disruptive behavior. In most cases, the grandparent does not have legal custody or guardianship of the children, so the son or daughter has the legal right to arbitrarily remove the children-or, in some cases, to walk off with the monthly welfare check and spend it on drugs. As one grandmother commented to me: "Because my daughter usually gets the checks, I may get fifty dollars every four or five months for these children. I have to use my own finances to support them." This places a huge financial burden on the grandparents.

Some grandparents have attempted to deal with this last intrusion by involving the birth parents in some of the grandchildren's daily routines, such as homework, after-school activities, or family dinners. These grandparents hope that this involvement will encourage the birth parents to begin taking responsibility for their lives and seek appropriate treatment for their drug addiction. When this fails, and they can no longer deny their anger and frustration even to themselves, the grandparents may seek spiritual help from church groups, support groups, and/or therapists that specialize in family issues. They may also seek legal assistance to gain custody and guardianship of their grandchildren.

At some point, grandparents may have to exclude their son or daughter from the home. A grandmother in my own support group revealed how she had told her daughter she was no longer welcome: "You can't come here anymore," she said. "I have your children to raise. I can't raise you again and raise your children. You will have to stay out until you get your life together." This is an extremely painful moment for a grandparent, but sometimes there is simply no other option.

Parenting as Grandparents

Parenting grandchildren is totally different from parenting one's own children. To begin with, parents do not usually have intrusive adult children to interfere with the parenting of the younger children. Also, because of abuse, drug addiction, and other problems brought on by the parents, many of the grandchildren have special medical, psychological, and educational needs. Many of them are angry at their parents, confused by their absence, and divided in their loyalties. "When my mom is home with my grandma," one girl said, "if I tell my grandma I love her, my mom will get angry. If I tell my mom I love her, my grandma will feel hurt."

Because of the emotional frailties of the children, grandparents often have mixed feelings about how to discipline them. "These kids are already having a difficult and painful time dealing with their parents," one grandmother said. "They are the innocent ones. Why would we want to cause more pain in their lives? We know they need discipline, but how can you put them in 'time-out' when they're already feeling so lonely and punished by their parents?" Thus, many grandparents become overprotective of their grandchildren. At the other extreme, some grandparents set overly rigid boundaries for the children. Both groups are terrified that the children will repeat the malignant behaviors of their parents.

Social Support Services

Parenting grandparents need a social service system that can realistically and appropriately respond to their needs. Aside from financial assistance, they need support groups. In my own Grandparents As Parents Support Group, approximately twenty grandparents meet with me twice a month in a nonjudgmental setting, in which they have the opportunity to share their experiences and feelings and give each other emotional encouragement as well as practical advice. This gives them all a sense of belonging to a reconstituted family. Every six months, we celebrate with a family-style potluck party; and the grandparents receive special recognition on the second Sunday of every September-National Grandparents Day. Several times a year, I bring in experts from various disciplines to address the grandparents' issues and open up discussion with them. For example, a pediatric neurologist discussed the problems and symptoms of prenatal drug exposure; a speech pathologist talked about children's language development; a social worker from Child Protective Services talked about how to recognize physical abuse in children; a nurse advised the grandparents about how to protect their own health; a politician discussed legislation that would give parenting grandparents greater rights and financial assistance; a school principal talked about the educational needs of children; and a professional athlete talked about providing positive role models for children.

While the grandparents in my group are meeting with each other, their grandchildren are meeting in an adjacent room. Trained childcare providers, assisted by volunteers, encourage the children to find meaningful and comfortable ways to express their feelings. This is usually done as the children engage in such activities as painting and drawing, unstructured play, theatrical skits, and storytelling. The children are also tutored to improve their social and academic skills. On the social side, we work to enhance their self-confidence and public speaking ability, among other things. On the academic side, we focus mainly on their computer literacy, writing skills, and mathematical ability. We also take the children on various outings in which they are exposed to meaningful social and educational experiences. The grandparents accompany their grandchildren on these outings, which gives them both an opportunity to relate to each other in an open and accepting environment.

Unfortunately, this kind of support group is not available in many areas of the country where there are growing numbers of second-shift grandparents. Churches, schools, community agencies, and therapists must become aware of this population and begin to address their needs.

Reference

U.S. Bureau of the Census (1995).
Statistical abstracts of the United States. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office.

© © 2003 National Abandoned Infants Assistance Resource Center.