Young foster children with severe behavior problems will respond to your consistency eventually. Big problems come when your teen foster child thinks she can come and go as she pleases or tells your other children about the bad things she does. It's easy to want to throw in the towel and have her removed.

Let's begin by assuming your child has been in foster care for quite some time, say three years for the sake of argument. During these three years, she has been in four different homes, each having her removed for the way she acts. Before that, her biological parents "gave up on her," at least that's how she sees it. So the day this girl walks into your home, she is expecting you to give up on her, just like the five sets of parents before you.

Now we're going to take a peek inside her head, and this is coming from my own experience as a troubled teen in foster care. Chances are she's been sexually abused, beaten, and put down since childhood. She has no self-esteem because she's been degraded ever since she can remember. She thinks herself worthless; she believes no one could ever love her, although that's exactly what she desperately wants. She feels she is ugly and useless.

In response to these issues, your teen goes out drinking and doing drugs, staying out all night, and talking back to you. She has intercourse with anyone who's willing and able.

When your daughter goes out, doesn't bother to call, and then sasses you when she finally turns up alive, she is trying to get your attention. She wants you to worry about her; it makes her feel like you care. Then, as you confront her, she says, "But I didn't do anything wrong!" Now she's manipulating you, wanting you to get frustrated and yell at her how worried you were. This only enforces her idea that this is the way to get your love.

Your teen's sexual activity is at least twofold. She has sex to impress the guys, who would otherwise find her ugly and worthless (in her mind). She may even associate with boys who treat her that way. Also when a child is molested, she often grows up not knowing appropriate ways to handle her own urges and those of others, so she ends up sleeping with many different people.

There are no perfect answers to these problems. Each teen will accept and reject certain ideas. You may have to rack your brain for new ideas if these don't work.

Make sure that your foster child is in therapy. At her next appointment, ask to speak to the worker alone. Explaining the situation, adding that you know most of the reason she does these things is because she doesn't know much better and she thinks you'll give up on her anyway. Ask the therapist for advice on ways to handle the situation. Request that once a month, you and your child do counseling together.

I doubt any worthy therapist would deny this, but if that is the case, you can have "cleansing sessions" at home. Explain to your child that this is a time set aside each month in which she can say anything she wants, tell you how she feels, cry, yell, and even curse if it will make her feel better. This should be a "no holds barred" kind of thing, with the exception that hands are kept to yourselves, unless engaging in a hug or other comforting touch. Take as much time as necessary, one hour or five. Your child has a lot of anger and sorrow on her mind, but no way to release it. The time you set aside for her helps her get rid of pent-up frustration, and she'll also start to see that you are not her enemy.

After the first few months (maybe three or four), explain that although you'll keep having your time together each month, you also want her to exercise other ways to vent without hurting herself. Offer her two options for dealing with anger or hurt, and then ask her to think of one at the end of every session. Options for controlling herself can include taking a walk, writing, singing, playing cards, taking a shower, cooking, or talking it out. Notice that all of these things will keep her moving; she won't have time to brood in her room if her hands are busy.

Be creative and get as involved as you can. If you can't love her, which is okay, then at least show her that you think she's worthy of being loved. Tell her daily that you care about her, and you won't give up on someone who is so close to finding who she truly is. Tell her you see a good person in her somewhere that is hidden by all that pain. Let her in on the dreams you have for her, such as college (she can get scholarships just for being a foster child), and job fields you think she would do well in. Name as many as you can, psychiatrist, doctor, news reporter, computer programmer, housekeeper, anything you see she is good at. She'll probably laugh in your face the first few times, but because she doesn't see what you see. Remind her every day that you can see that good person peeking out more and more. Positive reinforcement.

Don't give up until you're satisfied that you've done all you can. Of course, don't wait until you are in need of a therapist yourself; you must know you're own limits. And never feel guilty for having a child removed when you've done your best. You cannot save the world single-handedly.

HELPFUL HINTS:

1 - Don't threaten to have her removed. She will be expecting this, so it won't help.

2 - When you ground her, don't take away her things. Instead, give her work to do. Ex. dishes, laundry, vacuuming, diaper duty, polishing your silver, cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn, writing an essay, preparing dinner, planting a garden. Be creative, but always use productive ideas to keep her busy.

3 - Let your child know that the next time she goes out, you will wait a half hour after her curfew, and if she isn't home, you will go to bed, locking the door behind you. Hopefully, the threat of "abandonment" will be enough, but if you end up having to follow through on this threat, leave water, a pillow, and blankets on the porch for her. If when she does arrive, she demands that you let her in, remind her that she was warned this would happen. Then turn and walk away. No doubt she will be furious, banging on the door. Wait five minutes, then go back and let her in, telling her next time you won't even if she bangs on the door all night long. BY now she should have figured out that you mean business.

4 - Find out what the child truly wants from you, a place to stay until her 18th birthday, someone to be there for her, parents, family, nothing, etc. Try to reach a compromise so that you all can live together comfortably.

5 - Don't react impulsively. If you feel angry, tell her you need to take a break before discussing anything else. When you have calmed down, go back and handle the situation the best you can.

6 - Don't be afraid to call the cops if the foster child has done something illegal, like murder, theft, damage to property, abusing others, etc. Someone needs to fill her in that she can't do these things anymore. Explain to her that it hurts you to see her hurting herself like this. She will hate you for it now, but will look back in a few years knowing you did the right thing.

7 - Keep having those family meetings!

8 - Know that you are only one person. You can't save all the children, but if you save even ONE from a horrible life, then you have done your job and done it well. Fostering is not the most gratifying career in the world, but when one now-grown-up child comes back just to say thank you, you'll know it was all worthwhile.

© 2000 corhanem@yahoo.com

Credits: Wendi M. Sturgeon