By the time a foster child arrives at your door, you can assume that child has suffered more than you want to believe. He has probably already been in a couple of other homes, only to be moved to another.

The amount of stress a child goes through wondering how the new home will be is tremendous. I would like to discuss ways to make the new addition to your family feel more welcome.

When the child arrives, put a big smile on your face. Shake the child's hand. Ask if he/she would like a great big hug. Don't worry if he says no, the time will come, and he will see from the first second that you want to love him.

Introduce yourself as their "extra mommy or daddy." This way the child won't feel like you are trying to replace their parents, which causes a lot of confusion and hatred.

Make the caseworker stay for a cup of coffee. The child most likely feels more comfortable with their worker than you, so keep him around for a few minutes. And don't take no for an answer! The new child will also see that you are giving, and that will help. Don't forget to have a cookie or two on hand for the little one.

When the worker leaves, ask the child if she would like to see their room. This gives her a choice, and she won't feel intimidated. If she says no, tell her all about the wonderful things in her room - all the toys, the comfy bed that sqeaks when you jump on it, places where she can hang any pictures she wants, etc. Don't force her; keep in mind that she may have been severely abused in her old bedroom.

Asking questions is a great way to start. Ask the child if he would like to sit at the table or on the couch, or somewhere else. Ask if he knows why he is in your home, and if he would like to talk. Again, don't worry if his answer is no. You can't expect him to pour out his life story in ten minutes. Asking him these questions will send him the message that he can tell you things. If he doesn't want to talk right away, let him know you are there whenever he wants to, day or night.

Make sure you show your new child where you sleep too, in case she should need you at night. The darkness is many times a very scary thing for a foster child, they feel more alone than ever in the dark. Keep a nightlight handy for each bedroom you have, and one for the bathroom, to quell some of the child's fear. You can even help some more by getting some of Sesame Street characters, like Elmo and Big Bird. Or ask which one is their favorite and get it for them.

Find out if he has a favorite food, and what it is. Then make that for dinner. Ask if he wants to help you get it ready, and set the table. If he does something wrong, politely tell him that sometimes you do it differently, and it would be wonderful for him to help out and do it that way. "I love you" is not something a foster child has heard much, if at all. Offer hugs full of love, and tell her you love her and hope she's happy. Ask if there's something she needs to feel better, and tell her you'll try to get it for her. If her answer is "my mommy," just hug her and tell her you know, but her mommy needs you to care for her right now.

The way you speak to children is important. If you are demanding and pushy, the child will feel that, and be intimidated. That is not a good way to start a relationship, and may make it harder on you in the long run. If you are soft-spoken and easy to manipulate, the child will know that too. Kindly explaining that you have rules, but they can be bent - sometimes - the child gets the hint that you are compassionate.

Last, but certainly not least, have any of your other children treat the new child with respect. Discourage them from arguing or taunting. This goes for the new child as well.

Love all the children, your own and someone else's, equally. My foster mom says she loves us all the same amount, just in different ways.

© 2000 corhanem@yahoo.com

Credits: Wendi Sturgeon