Teenagers are naturally offensive. That's not an insult, that's a reality rooted in the nature of adolescent development.

In service of pursuing growth, a healthy teenager pushes for all the freedom she can get as soon as she can get it. In service of providing guidance, healthy parents restrain that push within the interests of safety and responsibility. Thus a built-in conflict of interests is created that characterizes the stormy teenage years.

Sometimes a young person, frustrated by a parental refusal for permission, will complain: "You never let me do anything, you just don't want me to grow up!" Not so. What parents want is for their son or daughter to grow up without falling casualty to dangerous exposures and damaging choices.

To this end, they want evidence that their adolescent is trustworthy in four distinct ways, all four adding up to THE FREEDOM CONTRACT which must be met before they agree to risk allowing more discretionary choice from which the teenager can grow.

The first provision of The Freedom Contract reads:

"You will keep us reasonably informed by giving us adequate and accurate information about what is going on in your life and what you are planning to do."

The second provision of The Freedom Contract reads:

"You will live in a two-way relationship with us, doing for us in fair exchange for our doing for you, contributing to the family as the family contributes to you."

The third provision of The Freedom Contract reads:

"You will honor your word, keeping agreements and following through on commitments you make with us."

The fourth provision of The Freedom Contract reads:

"Your conduct will be your passport to permission by showing us responsible conduct at home, at school, and out in the world."

Meeting these four provisions of the contract are what a young person brings to the negotiating table when wanting parents to provide or allow further freedom. This means actual performance, not promises of performance, which have no bargaining power.

At such negotiation points, if the teenager has shown evidence of being truthful, being helpful, keeping agreements, and acting responsibly, then parents tend to be more inclined to consent with his or her request.

If, however, the teenager is in breach of contract, lying to parents, or taking but not giving, or breaking agreements, or acting irresponsibly, then parents may be inclined to deny the request and even reduce existing freedom for a while until the provisions of The Freedom Contract begin to be honored once again.

Copyright 2001 Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.
All rights reserved