The High Costs of Lying I
Why do adolescents tend to lie more than children? Usually for freedom's sake - to escape punishment for misbehavior or to get to do what has been forbidden. To many teenagers, lying seems to be the easy way out of trouble or into adventure that has been disallowed. But lying is deceptive: what seems simpler at the moment proves complicated over time. The "easy way out" turns out to be extremely expensive, particularly for teenagers who have gotten so deeply into lying that they have a hard time getting out. To these young people, it can be helpful for parents to itemize the high cost of lying in order to encourage a return to truth. What to tell their errant teenager? Explain some of the costs that commonly accompany lying.
1) LIARS INJURE THOSE THEY LOVE. Parents who are lied to can feel hurt because lies take advantage of their trust, can feel angry because of being deliberately misled, and can feel frightened because now they don't know what to believe and so feel out of control.
2) LIARS ARE DOUBLE PUNISHED. Lying is a gamble. If the teenager is not found out, then there is no punishment; but if the teenager is found out, he or she is punished twice - first for the offense, and second for lying about it.
3) LIARS COMPLICATE THEIR LIVES. Liars lead double lives, having to remember what they really did (the truth of what happened) and the lie they told about what they did (the falsehood they created.) Because they have two versions of reality manage, not one, telling lies proves twice as complicated as telling the truth.
4) LIARS LIVE IN FEAR. Concealing the truth, liars have to live in hiding, living in some degree of fear of being found out.
5) LIARS FEEL OUT OF CONTROL. Covering up one lie with another, pretty soon liars lose track of all the lies they've told and find it harder and harder to keep their story straight.
6) LIARS LOWER SELF-ESTEEM. Because they lack the courage to own up to the truth of their actions, liars live a coward's life; each time they run from the truth they run their self-esteem further down.
7) LIARS ARE LONELY PEOPLE. To stay away from questions and to keep from being found out, liars distance themselves from intimate others, becoming isolated in their own home, this protection increasingly cutting them off from open communication with those they love.
8) LIARS FOOL THEMSELVES. What begins as lying to others ends up as lying to them selves as liars lose track of what really happened and come to believe some of the untruths they have told.
9) LIARS FEEL GUILTY. Knowing they have abused and exploited the trust of those they love, liars end up feeling guilty for the damage they have caused.
10) LIARS ENCOURAGE OTHER PEOPLE TO GET ANGRY. Each time they are found out, liars must deal with people who usually resent being manipulated by lies.
11) LIARS LOSE CREDIBILITY. The more lies are told and found out, the less easy it becomes for liars to be believed when they are actually telling the truth.
12) LIARS LOSE INTIMACY. With each lie that is told, estrangement builds in their relationships because there can be no intimacy without honesty, no trust without truth, no security without sincerity.
13) LIARS ARE RELIEVED WHEN THEY ARE FOUND OUT. Even though they may have to pay their dues for lying by accepting punishment, liars are relieved to be found out because now they can get back on an honest footing with people, and can stop living a fugitive life.
14) LIARS VICTIMIZE THEM SELVES. Although people lied to feel mistreated, because of all the costs they pay, liars mistreat them selves even more.
15) LIARS LEARN THE LESSON OF LYING. Liars learn that it is far easier to be the person lied to than to be the one who has been telling all the lies.
© Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. 2001, all rights reserved. For permission to use this Psychological Update, contact the author.
