Counselors often experience an increased number of calls and requests for appointments around the holidays. Sometimes the recognition that another year is passing by and a troubling part of one's life has not changed motivates people to finally admit to themselves that there is a problem. They give up on hoping it will magically go away. And sometimes stress from overdoing holiday preparations and gatherings is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

The winter holidays also serve as a conscious and often unconscious reminder of past life experiences that may be unresolved. We live by our watches and our calendars. Significant events are marked by the dates and seasons they occur. Psychologists use the term anniversary reaction to refer to the emotional reactions that people have on and around the date of important losses in their lives.

You may be consciously aware of some of the anniversary reactions you experience. Generally, the more aware of them you are, the less problematic they are. You can prepare somewhat for the feelings that arise. Many folks anticipate sadness for example on the anniversary date of a parent or partner's death. By expecting these feelings, you are not caught off guard and may find it useful to plan around them. Perhaps setting aside some quite time to reflect or share memories with others is helpful.

I frequently have the experience of a client complaining of vague depression and unease with no apparent precipitator. If this client and I have been working together for some time and this seems out of the blue and not related to issues we've been working through, I will explore the possibility of an unconscious anniversary reaction. It's not uncommon for folks to relate that in fact it is the week or month that they lost a parent, child, or partner. If this loss happened to them during their adult life, they are more likely to make the connection themselves.

However, if the loss occurred during their childhood, this is much less likely. Children don't measure their lives by the calendar. The younger one is when a loss occurs, the less likely it will be associated consciously with a date.

It's fascinating how we nevertheless seem to know the anniversaries in our lives, even if unconsciously. Perhaps our senses know. Sometimes a sound or sight or smell or temperature will trigger a feeling, even though we don't have conscious awareness of the connection. For example, let's assume a young girl's father suddenly abandoned the family on the day of that year's first snowfall. That same woman, now grown, may experience melancholy both around that calendar date, even though she didn't consciously remember it, and at the first snowfall of the year.

If you grew up in an abusive, chaotic or alcoholic family, it is likely that the holidays were times of increased turmoil and crises. Drinking likely escalated, and the number and intensity of verbal conflicts probably increased. Some studies indicate more violence during the holiday season. Unless you have worked through your feelings about these times in your life, you may often experience extra tension, fatigue or depression at this time of year.

If you recognize patterns of painful remembering, you may want to consider talking it out with a professional. The holidays are meant to be times of joy, sharing, and renewal. Perhaps the most appropriate holiday gift you could give yourself is the opportunity to resolve and let go of old emotional baggage. It can help you find a hopeful, more positive outlook.