The Lyon's Roar - Our LONG Adoption Story

Clarence and I are both teachers at a Catholic Elementary School in San Jose, California. We met at San Jose State, dated for nine years, and then got married. A typical love story, right? We always thought we would have a few kids and then adopt. Clarence's dream was to have nine, enough for a baseball team. When our baby plans didn't materialize, we decided on adoption.

We had just completed an adoption preparation class through Children's Home Society of California when a friend of mine told me about an Adoption Facilitator who was trying to place a biracial birthmother with a biracial family. The possibility of a baby joining our family so quickly was so alluring that we put off turning in our application to Children's Home Society and focused our efforts on independent adoption.

Unfortunately, our dream of a family didn't materialize as quickly as we had hoped. After several months, we had talked to countless birthmothers on the phone, sent plane tickets to two birthmoms (only one used them), and tearfully decided against trying to adopt a beautiful little boy from out-of-state because of red tape and ever increasing costs each time we called.

This roller coaster ride was not only emotionally draining, but we soon realized that it could prove to be a financial disaster. We decided we needed the support and screening an agency could provide and turned in our application to Children's Home Society. Just one month after our Home Study was completed, we got a call from our social worker. A birthmother in Oakland who was due any day had chosen us. We met her the day after Easter. Our visit went well and we found we had much in common. We discussed family, hobbies, education, religion, childcare, hopes and dreams. Before we left she assured us that she wanted to make an adoption plan with us and that she would not change her mind "like the people you hear about on TV." On the drive home, Clarence and I were just beaming. We were finally going to be a family.

We spent the rest of Easter Vacation getting the essentials for our freshly painted nursery. We discussed the pros and cons of cloth versus paper diapers, powder or ready-made formula, and regular bottles or disposable nursers. When we returned to school, we couldn't keep the news to ourselves. We assured family, friends, and faculty that this was the one. As it turned out, this was not the one. A little boy was born on Thursday night and Friday morning we got the news that his birthmother had changed her mind. I couldn't believe it. Even though we never got to see or hold that baby, I felt a deep sense of loss. I could see myself going through the stages of mourning with this child. I was angry that not only did we have to suffer through the trials of infertility, but also adoption was proving to be a difficult task to accomplish.

Clarence and I took a mini-vacation to regroup. We also continued to go to our adoption support group meetings. I found myself talking to anyone who would lend an ear. Everyone kept saying that there would be a baby out there for us. I guess that hope kept me going.

Two months later we received another call from the agency. This time a baby girl was already born. We traveled to Southern California only to find out that her birthmother was having second thoughts. We decided that since we had driven all this way, packed with a car seat and diaper bag, we wanted to meet with her anyway. It became clear during the meeting that she needed more time. Even though we were disappointed and a little mad about making the long trip to Southern California, we told her we really wanted her little girl to become part of our family but that she needed to make a decision she could live with. It turned out that she decided to parent her daughter. We left LA with the car seat packed in the back, out of sight. By this time we were pretty depressed, but kept thinking that there had to be a birthmother out there who was not going to change her mind. If there was a baby out there for us, he she sure was taking a long time to find us.

You can imagine how we felt when our social worker called us again. Yeah, right! We would just have to wait and see. When we met this birthmother, I really wasn't sure how the meeting went. Even though she assured us that we were the family she wanted for her baby, we said to ourselves, "We have heard that before." We kept ourselves busy that summer with projects and camping trips, trying not to jump every time the phone rang. The due date came and went. The dog got a new doghouse and I made enough strawberry jam to feed an army.

Finally on August 26 we got a call from the hospital to tell us we had become the proud parents of a strapping 8-and-a-half-pound baby boy. The next day we drove to the hospital to meet the rest of his birthfamily. It was a bittersweet experience. We tried to contain our excitement and anxiousness, as we knew they were grieving. We assured them that we were committed to an open relationship and keeping them posted on Trey's development. With a tearful good bye, Trey's birthmother told us we had a beautiful baby and our social worker took us to meet our newborn son. We were so nervous as we changed him for the first time under the watchful eye of the nurse and even more nervous as we drove him home over the Santa Cruz Mountains to our home in San Jose.

For Clarence, it was love at first sight. It was hard not to fall in love with Trey's shock of black hair and chocolate brown eyes that occasionally winked. I was somewhat more realistic. I knew I was keeping a little part of my heart safe just in case it didn't work out. Trey's birthmother took three weeks to sign relinquishment papers and the birth had left her 18-year-old body a little worse for wear. She also had a difficult time discussing her feelings. After the first week I decided that regardless of her final decision, this little boy needed me as a full-time mother, not as a baby-sitter. Regardless of the consequences, I decided to let down my defenses. I thank God every day that it all worked out in the end. Trey is a precious little boy. He is a little mischievous, but has a smile that will melt your heart.

Our first year as parents so far had progressed uneventfully. We wrote to Trey's birthmother regularly and met with her and her family during major holidays. Trey's adoption was finalized in May of 1995 and life was good. Then the inevitable happened. Friends and family started asking if we were going to try for a second child. Clarence and I had both come from families of six so we knew that we really wanted to have more than one child, but we were just in the talking stages of a second adoption. Mainly it consisted of: "We don't want to go through all that $%#&* again." We had gone on a camping trip to King's Canyon and our relatives were bugging us about Baby #2. I told them we would just have to wait until a baby was dropped on our doorstep and basically that is what happened.

When we returned home from the camping trip, there was a message from the Santa Ana office of Children's Home Society. When we called them, we found out that the birthmother we had met before Trey was born had given birth to another baby girl. She had tried to get in touch with us during her pregnancy, but had lost our number. Even though the social worker told us to spend some time to think it over, we felt that this was meant to be. One week later, we all flew down to Santa Ana and after a week of meetings and interviews, we flew home as a family of four.

Trey and Jackie are exactly 11 months apart. They keep us very busy, but they are a lot of fun too. We have had to deal with ear infections times two, double diapers, the infamous bottle snatcher and sibling rivalry, but it has been worth every minute. Every time we take a roll of film into the photo shop, we need to get at least triple prints so we can send pictures to our Entire family. Sometimes I feel like the mother hen, keeping everyone up-to-date and watching over them all.

Jackie's adoption was finalized in May of this year. People often kid us about our "Perfect Family". They tell us that it couldn't have turned out better if we had planned it. However, not everyone is comfortable with our relationship with our children's birth relatives. Open adoption is not for everyone and it takes patience and understanding. But we are sure it will be worth the effort to keep the lines of communication open for Trey and Jackie. When all is said and done, we wouldn't change a thing.

We are often asked if we will adopt again. Even though we are a tad short of forming our own baseball team, we feel our family is complete. Who knows what the future will bring and I have learned never to say never again. Besides, I think I hear the phone ringing. I wonder who it could be?

© Roots & Wings Adoption Magazine

Credits: Mary K. Dolan Lyons