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The "only child" has historically been the object of concern and even scorn in many cultures. It is only common sense, after all, that an only child gets excessive adult attention, perhaps taking on adult ways prematurely. Furthermore, the absence of siblings is also assumed to result in a variety of social deficiencies for "onlies." It is not surprising they are expected to be more self-centered, demanding, dependent, and temperamental than children with siblings.

The Fact of the Matter
Contrary to popular opinion, the evidence accumulated by many studies does not support any of these stereotypical characteristics of onlies. Several decades of extensive research on onliness and birth order fail to find the expected disadvantages. Most of the research indicated that onlies have no more personality problems than children with siblings and, in fact, actually have many advantages over them. Indeed, there is no basis at present to be apprehensive about having and raising an only child. On the whole, they appear to have some advantages when it comes to intelligence and school and career achievement. They appear to have as many close friends as other children; they often assume leadership roles and are reported to feel generally happy and satisfied with their lives.

Parents Are the Determining Factor
Specialists studying onlies suggest that the effect of onliness depends upon how parents handle it. If they provide ample opportunities for their child to develop close and strong ties with other children close in age, the child will have the same chances as others to acquire, practice, and refine his social skills.

If too much of an only child's time is spent with adults, they may become bored by adult conversations, and consequently become intrusive and demand their parent's undivided attention. This could lead to a spoiled quality in the child's behavior. Some onlies who have too much adult and too little peer exposure may become overly adult in their manner and speech and are sometimes teased or rejected by their peers. Regular interaction with other children also minimizes the likelihood of the loneliness that many parents of onlies worry about.

"Only" Concerns
Among the reservations many parents have about onliness is the increased risk that the child will be spoiled by too much attention and by having her demands met too often and too quickly in the absence of competition from a sibling. Such risks are also present in families with two or three or more children, depending upon such factors as the number of years between siblings, the tendency of parents to develop favorites, and the individual differences in perseverance and manipulativeness among the siblings.

In other words, onliness in and of itself would not cause a child to be spoiled. Parents can guard against the temptations by acknowledging that it is not in any child's best interest to have her demands and wishes unfailingly fulfilled. Young children are not the best judges of what is in their best interests and they need the judgment of older, wiser, and more experienced people to protect them from their immaturity. Some only children feel lonely and express strong wishes for a sibling, sometimes envying other families. It is important that parents try not to react to such expressions with feelings of guilt. As it is, many parents of only children already feel guilty because of the fact that in our culture parents who choose to have only one child are considered by some to be selfish.

That's What Friends Are For
If an only child frequently visits with her friends, and has good times with her parents as well, she is not likely to be missing anything that is essential to healthy growth and development.

© 1987National Parent Information Network

Credits: Lilian G. Katz