The Things People Say

Responding to Hurtful Remarks.

It was a perfect day for a stroll through the park, and Michelle was overwhelmed with joy as she pushed her new son, in his brand new Graco stroller, towards the playground. As he cooed and smiled at the bright blue sky above, Michelle couldn't help but repeat to herself over and over, "I'm taking my son to the park!" Truly, a dream she kept close for years as she and Robert waited for a child through their adoption agency.

Michelle tells me, "When things got really rough, with the home visits and the paperwork, I'd just close my eyes and imagine myself at the park with my baby. Then, I could keep on going." Michelle found a spot beneath a tall oak tree near the swing set and carefully lifting her six-month-old son from his stroller, sat him down on the large blanket she'd brought. "It was the most perfect moment, I felt like such a mom!" She says.

Before long another mother with a small baby wandered over to Michelle, leaning down to compliment Michelle's precious son on how well he was sitting up. Michelle replied with a prideful thank you and the other mother sat down with them. Within minutes the conversation turned into a nightmare for Michelle, who had been basking earlier in the pure joy of being at the park with her son. "So, did you deliver here locally?" The other mother asked.

Michelle is caught off guard, "No ... did you?"

"Oh yes, the local women's hospital is phenomenal, I recommend it to all my expecting friends. I must tell you, when I first saw you over here I couldn't believe how great you look! I just had to come over and ask what your secret is!" the other mother says while preparing to nurse her infant. As she lifts her baby to her she comments, "Please tell me it's the breastfeeding!" Michelle forces herself to remain calm, but the situation proves to be more than she ever thought she'd be faced with. She nearly whispers, "Our son is adopted."

The other mother pauses. Her infant seeking her out begins to cry. She does not know what to say and it's obvious. She begins nursing, while remaining silent, and then replies without looking at Michelle, "Oh, there's a couple of people at my husbands office who adopted I think."

Michelle quivers at how uncomfortable the moment got so quickly. Suddenly she senses a haughtiness coming from the other mother, as if she's throwing the fact that she gave birth to her baby while Michelle did not. Or perhaps she's imagining it, she's not sure.

Moment's pass and Michelle is almost grateful when another mother steps to them with a child in arm, greeting the woman with Michelle. "Hi Sarah! I'm so glad I ran into you! I couldn't remember when the next Mom and Me play date was, do you know?"

The two other mothers begin talking about the play date and before Michelle can blink, the two leave together with a quick good-bye and one last comment, "I hope the adoption thing goes well!"

As Michelle watches them walk off together she knows what they are whispering about as the other woman turns around to catch another glance at her. She wants to yell, "No - adoptive mothers don't look different."

Like so many others, Michelle couldn't help but feel devastated. She'd been set up to explain herself, her son, and then put out for judgment by others who know nothing about her situation or even what adoption is. For the following days Michelle caught herself coming up with remark after remark of all the things she should have said in response to the comments made to her. She wanted to be prepared for the next time.

Sadly enough, no amount of preparation can ease the pain of a thoughtless remark. So many of us endure comments, glares, and crude remarks from those who assume they know what they are talking about. Too many people think they know what's best for us and have no qualms about letting us know exactly what that is.

What I've discovered, while enduring such comments, over the last twelve years is this: Usually I am the first real glance someone has at what adoption "looks" like. Their previous assumptions, arrived at opinions, and ignorant beliefs about adoption had thus far been created based on horror stories provided to them by the media, or stories passed down through the grapevine, which rarely carry the whole truth of any situation. We are the reality behind what society has cultivated as a mainstream belief in adoption. Our reality does not come near that belief. But how can we expect everyone else to know that? When comments come our way and we find ourselves filling up with anger and the need to respond, we need to remember that we cannot expect others to know what it is like to walk in our shoes, nor can we assume they are as educated on adoption as we are. Think for a moment about how much you knew about adoption before you considered it yourself. Years before you were faced with the journey of learning and understanding adoption and what it meant ... what might you have said to someone in adoption?

Some people do say things just to be hurtful. But most simply spit out a quick comment because they are feeling uncomfortable, and they really don't want to say the wrong thing.

So how do we respond?

First, we let go of our need too. Knowing that we cannot change how someone feels about adoption in one or two sentences will free us up from feeling defensive and helpless. Understanding that they are not necessarily attacking us personally or trying to make us feel un-worthy as mothers will allow us the opportunity to really hear what they are saying and have the ability to address the misconceptions they have.

For instance:

Their comment: "You'll probably get pregnant after you adopt. I've heard of that happening a lot."
Your response: "Really? Where have you heard that from?"

Where their comment comes from: They believe adoption is a second choice, which in the majority of cases, it is. Most adopting couples did try to get pregnant before choosing adoption. They hear you are adopting and have a need to console you, to give you hope. A very human reaction. People do it in many circumstances, not just adoption. How many times have you caught yourself consoling someone by saying, "Maybe it's better this way," or, "Don't worry, you can replace it with an even better one." We have a need to "make things better" for people. We often fail and make things worse.

Why responding with a question works: When you respond with a question you are identifying their lack of knowledge. They will realize that they've just said something with little to no value. You're off the hot seat and they'll usually tend to keep quiet after that.

Their comment: "I don't know how you could give up your own baby, I could never do that."
Your response: "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?"

Where their comment came from: Birthmothers hear this and are immediately offended because the comment is charged with accusation. We hear, "You obviously didn't love your baby." I've watched the faces of those who have said this to me, and yes, I've been faced with this countless times, and they immediately look away from my eyes, lift their chins, and say it as if the conversation is over. Which, in the beginning, it would be. I would hear this and be devastated. Later on through the years though, I realized that I did not deserve judgment from others in this way and that if they were going to put out the words, I had a right to respond. Another factor is that in the adoption community we know that using the term, "Giving your baby away," is not acceptable. We use terms like, relinquishment, and surrender. When we hear the word, "Give up," we immediately become defensive. But how can others not educated in verse and terms know this?

Why responding with a question works: Again, we are forcing them to look at why they said what they said. By responding, "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?" We are turning the tables and basically saying, "Hey, don't say something like that without expecting a response." I've used this theory three times. The first time I did it I was at the orthodontists office getting molds done on my teeth. The doctor had seen my patient chart and had asked me what BreakThrough Inc. was. I told him I worked in adoption outreach. He asked if I was an adoptive mother. I told him no, I am a birthmother. He responded, "I don't how you could give your baby up, must be hard on you." I responded, "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?" He asked, "Say what?" I replied, "That they don't know how I could have done it." He shrugged, "I guess it's just beyond a lot of us." I replied, "Would you like to know how then?" He stopped what he was doing, wheeled his chair up beside me, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, "You know ... I guess I said that because I felt like I should say something. It made me a little uncomfortable. Honestly, no, I don't really want to know how. What should I have said though, so that I'll know?" I smiled at him, reached up and squeezed his hand and said, "Tell her, "That's interesting, I actually have another patient who is a birthmother too." He looked at me for a moment and then said, "Thanks." Then he proceeded to fill my mouth with an enormous amount of blue paste.

I didn't need to explain why I relinquished to my orthodontist. He is the man who works on my teeth and beyond my monthly visits we have no relationship. It would do no good for me to justify my son's adoption. But, since he asked me what I did for a living and then proceeded to make a comment about me as a birthmother, I had every right to confront it. In doing so I kept my dignity but at the same time taught him the correct response. At every visit now, we have a running joke. I come in and he asks me, "How are you doing Courtney?" and the staff of assistants reply in unison, "How are YOU doing today Dr.?" He's learned to never ask a question without expecting a response.

Responding to hurtful comments from strangers is difficult. The likely-hood of us seeing them again is rare. We may feel more able to come back with a spitfire remark, knowing there are no consequences for what we say. Or, we may be in such shock that a stranger had the guts to say what they did, that we may spend the next few days mulling over what we should have or could have said, but didn't. Many people in adoption say, "I don't care what they say or how they feel, they had no right to tell me that." And that's true, no one has the right to belittle or hurt someone else. But, the truth is, those of us in adoption have a somewhat silent duty to be positive examples. The media will never stop showing the horror stories in exchange for broadcasting a successful adoption on the five o'clock news. It's up to us to begin changing the way adoption is viewed not only by the lives we lead but also by how we respond to and teach others. When a stranger makes a rude comment, remember ... you can, by your response, stop that person from making the mistake of saying it to another person down the road. You may also, by how you interact with them, enlighten them just enough so that they realize how very little they really know about adoption, and perhaps that what they do know isn't fully correct.

Responding to hurtful comments from family members and friends is even more difficult. We live with them, love them, share our lives with them, and ultimately have to put up with them no matter what. It is not just the comments made, but also the ways in which they re-act and act around us based on what they believe or how they think. Patricia Johnson's book, "Adoption is a Family Affair!" is a great read for couples bringing a child into the home through adoption. The book is filled with advice not only for adoptive parents on how to help the family adjust, but also contains chapters for family members to read themselves. Kitty Florey's book, "Five Questions," is an amazing novel that I recommend for birthparents and their friends and families. Kitty takes readers through a frightening, yet inspiring tale of crisis pregnancy, family issues, and ultimately the journey of self-truth. Parents of birthmothers who read this book will come away with the peace that they are not alone, and that often times, re-acting based on their fears and expectations for their daughter leaves a trail of disappointment and loss. Friends of birthparents who read this book will hold closer to the bonds established before the pregnancy, and ultimately explore what it means to be supportive yet not feel guilty to continue forward with their lives.

Above all, knowledge and compassion are our best friends in situations that force us to either respond to mindless comments or self-reflect based on how we emotionally responded to a comment. Remember that those not involved in adoption have no real idea of what adoption is. And find it in your heart to be the patient teacher your family may need as they grow into the journey you have chosen.