As a parent of an adopted child, you must consider the strong possibility of needing to have your child in some form of therapy. How does a parent make an informed choice?

Naomi H. Reid, LCSW

Family Advocates, Aurora, CO

If you have adopted an older child (over the age of one) or are planning on doing so, you must consider the strong possibility of needing to have your child in some form of therapy sometime in the future, if not right away. (Children adopted shortly after birth sometimes require therapy too, so do not believe the myth that adopting an infant will promise to keep you out of therapy.) There are some things that I have learned, both as a parent and a therapist, which I would like to pass on to those of you wanting to make informed decisions about therapy and therapists.

THINGS TO LOOK FOR

1. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SHOP AROUND! Be sure any therapist that works with you and/or your child knows adoption issues.

A. Ask about their experience with adoptive families.

B. Present a little of your current concern and ask how adoption fits into the picture.

C. Ask what personal experience they have had with unattached children, or foster children, or children who have been adopted, or parenting.

D. Find out if they are familiar with the adoption issues of loss, abandonment, dual identity, anniversaries, deprivation, abuse, and post-traumatic stress syndrome.

2. PREPARE YOURSELF. Know what resources are available in your community.

A. Do not wait until the last minute to find a therapist. Shopping around when you are in crisis or when you are feeling vulnerable is not as effective.

B. Start a list of possibilities. Talk to other adoptive parents and get their viewpoints. What do they like about their therapist? What do they dislike? Pay attention to who is giving workshops, teaching classes or providing other services in the field of adoption. If you hear a speaker who impresses you, and if they do therapy, add that person to your list.

C. Ask your adoption agency for referrals. Ask what they like about each one. Gather as much information as possible and write it down. When you need to seek a therapist you will already have some ideas about whom to start with.

IDENTIFY YOUR NEED

When the time comes to start your search for a therapist, try to determine what it is your family and/or child need. Ask yourselves:

1. Where is the pain coming from?

2. What would we like to have changed?

The Child's Issues

Do not let family therapists confuse you. Many have been taught that when a child is acting out they are acting out the problems in the family. A therapist trained this way frequently does not acknowledge the difference between a family that has always existed as a unit and one that was built through adoption. Though indeed the child may be acting out family problems...which family are we talking about? I am a firm believer in individual therapy for adopted children, because they bring with them issues that have nothing to do with your family. The need very well could be for the child to deal with some individual issues.

All adopted children have lost, at the very least, their birthmother. Some have also lost involved birthfathers. Older adoptees may remember siblings, grandparents, cousins, and foster parents. Some of your children have lost the country of their birth. A common child's issue, then, is unresolved grief. Common symptoms are depression, an inability to accept a new parent, rage displayed over loss that seems inappropriate in magnitude to the loss.

Many children come to adoption by way of parental neglect or abuse. These children may continue to respond to the world out of their deprivation. These children steal, hoard, and lie because they believe they need to protect themselves in order to survive. These behaviors may become serious enough for families to seek therapy.

Another behavior that signals a need for intervention is that of relationship problems. Children deprived of early consistency of care frequently have not learned how to form and keep relationships. This is a problem for the child and may require some individual work before other people are brought into the picture.

The Parents' Needs

Discipline techniques may be proving ineffective. Children who have moved in and out of numerous families may be totally confused about rules and family structure. They may have learned to be manipulative. Some can provoke a parental response that borders on, or becomes, abusive.

What has worked with other children is ineffective with these children. Parents of these children may seek a different kind of discipline.

Among the more manipulative techniques used by some children is the divide and conquer scenario. Parents may seek help when they discover that their relationship is being eroded by constantly being on opposite sides in dealing with their child. Parents need to remain a unit working for the good of the family and may need help in maintaining appropriate unity.

Many adoptive families have learned early on that their child requires the use of many community resources. They may be struggling to get the necessary services from the schools, day care, social services and so forth. These parents may need a therapist who can be an advocate. Learning how to work with and through the systems may be the family's biggest need.

When parents have dealt with a problem for a long time, and they do not seem to be making any progress, the need may be for a new target. Parents can take only so much of the rage usually intended for birth parents. At some point, if the child is not given the transference target of a therapist, the adoptive relationship suffers a burn out that may not ever be repaired. Yes, adoptive families need to understand and accept their child's anger and rage, but not the abuse. Before you reach the end of your rope, get some help. And do not be afraid to say that family therapy is not appropriate at this time.

If you do not have the emotional energy to deal with your child's rage, that does not make you a bad parent. Therapy is not going to work if you are too exhausted to participate. It might be helpful for parents to seek their own individual counseling. They may need the reassurance of a professional that their instincts are right, but this particular child may be having difficulty accepting their nurturance. Many adoptive mothers come to need nurturance themselves.

Family therapy may be appropriate for those families that need some support for their family unit. Integrating a new family member, or having an impartial third party help to fine tune relationships can be a good use of therapy.

Some children have difficulty becoming members of a new family. They may want to be part of a family, like everyone else, but they may not be prepared for a new mom or dad. Helping everyone to understand the problem and working toward a resolution would be the job of a therapist.

Sometimes a relationship will suddenly change. A compliant child may become rebellious. A quiet child may become noisy and abrasive. This may be the time they have chosen to work on some of their adoption issues. They may be struggling with new feelings because new understanding through new thought processing has occurred. A trained professional might help sort out the source of this new behavior and help the family make adjustments.

ONE FINAL REMINDER---

Therapy will not cure your child's trauma. Therapy may help you better deal with the problems. Therapy may provide your child with some skills to adapt to the world. But there will always be some reminders of the things that happened before this child came to live with you. The scars will always be there, but it is worth the time to try and close those bleeding wounds.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Naomi Reid, LCSW and her husband, John, are the adoptive parents of two siblings. She works in an adoption agency as a placement supervisor. In addition, both have been in private practice for over 15 years, specializing in therapy with children who have adoption issues to work through in placement.

© Roots & Wings Adoption Magazine

Credits: Naomi Reid