Things that are NOT to be Said to Adoptees:

1. You're special because you're adopted.
2. You were chosen.
3. Your Birthmother loved you so much that she gave you up.
4. You're lucky.
5. It doesn't matter.
6. You shouldn't be angry.
7. You shouldn't be sad.
8. You should be careful what you ask for -- you might get it.
9. By finding her, you're invading her life.
10. Why are you interested in someone who didn't want you ?
11. Why do you want to find someone you didn't ever know?
12. Ever since you started searching you have become obsessed.
13. ...but your adoptive parents love(d) you so much.
14. ...but you're hurting your adoptive parents
15. Babies don't remember anything.
16. You're being ungrateful!
17. You have no respect for your adoptive parents.
18. Get over it!
19. If she loved you, she wouldn't have given you away.
20. You're being over sensitive.
21. Forget it and get on with your life.
22. Why would you want to find her?
23. It's the past, you can't change it.
24. You have no right to disturb her life.
25. ..but your adoptive parents really wanted you.
26. ..What's wrong? Weren't your adoptive parents good enough?
27. You're being selfish and disrespectful!
28. Didn't your parents do a good enough job?
29. How many mothers do you need?
30. Oh...you're one of them?
31. You adopted children should respect her privacy.
32. ...but you look like you come from such a good family.
33. ...but you don't look adopted.
34. Well, maybe that's the way it was meant to be.
35. If she didn't want you then, why would she want you now. You'll get rejected.
36. You might be opening Pandora's Box

Things that are NOT to be Said to Birthparents:

1. Forget about it (your baby) and get on with your life. My response was always, she is my life.
2. Leave well enough alone, s/he has another family now.
3. You did the right thing.
4. You will destroy/disrupt her/his life if you make contact.
5. You would have been unable to provide for your child.
6. It was better for the baby to have two parents.
7. Let sleeping dogs lie.
8. She has her own family now.
9. But you've had other children and you should be happy now.
10. Why don't you just let it go?
11. She was better off.
12. It's water over the bridge now.
13. If she needs you she'll come searching for you. You shouldn't search for her!
14. You made the decision and you can't change your mind.
15. But you're not really her mother.
16. That was a long time ago. What's the matter with you?
17. She's turned out to be a nice person, so you should be grateful.
18. I don't know how you could do it... I could never give up my child.
19. If you really love her you will give her up, otherwise you are selfish.
20. No one will ever want to marry you with someone else's child.
21. There is no way you can work and care for your child properly. She will have to spend most of the day with a babysitter!!

Things that are NOT to be Said to Adoptive Parents:

1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child.
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents?
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. To bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?

Credits: From Joe Soll's Adoption Healing Book