I am responding to Titian's (DC adoptee) comment. I completely agree with her. I am a neutral adoptee leaning more on the negative side. I can honestly say I was wanted by my father; I'm not so sure about my mother. My dad was unable to have children, that's why they wanted to adopt. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 4 (no big deal- people divorce-- even those with biological kids. what makes adoptive parents different). I continued to live with my mom. She remarried (not too long after the divorce, which was the reason why they divorced- she was pregnant.) and her husband tried to adopt me so my dad would lose all his rights, but he refused because he loved me to death. He came and visited me whenever he was able to (obeying court order). To get to the point, after the divorce, it all came crashing down with my mother. She now favored her biological children over me. Anything that went wrong in the house was my fault and I was beaten for it. I went to school one day with bruises on my face and when the school called about it, she beat me when I got home, stating I told them she hit me.

One night, we all went out to dinner and someone broke into the house and stole some jewelry. It wasn't noticed until the next day, and it was blamed on me. So her husband took me into the woods with a trash bag of clothes and left me there. I chased after the car and he finally let me in after he made me admit to stealing the jewelry.

When we got home, my mother was braiding my sister's hair and didn't even flinch when I walked by. (She had always threatened me that if I told anyone, they would take me away from her- and of course being so young I couldn't have imagined being without my "mommy". So I always lied and said my brother hit me with a basketball, etc. And I never once dared tell my dad what was going on- even though I would scream in the airport that I didn't want to go back home to her.)

This family drove me to pull out my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows. I have gone through severe mental issues because of them- mostly depression. They would lock me in my room and only let me out to eat and go to the bathroom (which was at their discretion).

When I was 9, my mother called my dad and told him that if he didn't take me for the summer that she would put me in foster care. In a heartbeat, my dad took me. She told me I would only stay for the summer, but when school time came around she never called and left my dad and step-mom to call and find out what to do. She told them that she didn't want me. What?!? My mother did not want me? Nine years I spent in pure hell and she decides this now! I am happy to say I spent the next 10 years with my dad and my step-mom, and these were great years.

My mother saw me twice in those 10 years: once when I was 13 and the other 16. She never came up for my graduation. She still plays mind games on me and tells me "how she wanted me so badly and that she would've done anything for me." My brother and sister now know "I am not really hers", as they put it. Now they resent me (for what? I have no idea) and want nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, my dad died when I was 19. I am now 21 and have a husband and 2 beautiful children. My mother has made no effort to meet them. She didn't come to my wedding either; my step- mom (whom I call "mom" now) walked me down the aisle.

All I have to say from this is that if you are thinking about adoption, make sure your partner feels the same way you do. If not, it may not be worth it (especially if your partner says s/he'll do it because you want to). Talk about what happens to the child if you happen to split up. I don't care if you've been married 100 years, it is a possibility; you never know. My parents were high school sweethearts and married 15 years

If you do adopt- love the child and respect him/her. I got lucky in the end though: my step-mom loves me enough to call me her daughter, and she doesn't need adoption papers to say that. She loves my husband and my children and me. I just wish my own mother could have been like that.

If I ever meet my birth parents, I don't think I will ever tell them about the hell I endured. It will only make them feel worse. But if you adopt, do you want your children to be telling their birthparents (when/if they meet them) horror stories about you??

- kwlanglois@yahoo.com

"To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world."
(Unknown)