Tyrant Toddler

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My son was a very easygoing baby, but now that he's a toddler, he's much more rambunctious and even throws temper tantrums. One minute he acts like a little dictator, the next he's like a whiny little baby. What's gone wrong?

Answer: You're feeling what many parents feel as they watch their baby become a toddler. Toddlers can challenge the skills and shake the confidence of any parent. It sometimes helps to imagine how the world might look through your toddler's eyes. As an infant he probably saw smiling faces, felt gentle hugs, heard soothing voices. Now that he's running around and getting into things -- as all toddlers do -- he probably sees more scowling faces and wagging fingers and hears firm voices telling him, "No, no!" How the world has changed! To him, everything in the world is waiting to be explored. But when he does explore, he gets praised sometimes for being bright and curious and scolded other times for getting into the wrong stuff. It's hard to figure out the difference between what's OK to touch or taste and what's not. It takes time to learn those things, and the process can be confusing and frustrating for both parent and child.

Your son doesn't have words yet to tell you all that he's feeling, but his behavior tells you, "I want to be big and in charge, but I also want to be little and just snuggle up." Sometimes when he whines and clings, he might be told to "act like a big boy." Other times, when he tries to be a big boy and have his own way, grownups get mad at him. Just as you probably feel somewhat ambivalent about your baby becoming a big boy, your toddler probably feels ambivalent too. When his confusion, ambivalence and frustration build, a temper tantrum may be the only way he knows to express those feelings. As he learns words to describe his feelings, he will have less of a need to act them out.

You and your toddler probably will come through this stage just fine, as most families do. Your job is to patiently help your child learn what's OK and what's not, let him be a "big boy" by making choices whenever possible (e.g. what to wear, what to have for a snack), let him cuddle like a baby when that is what he needs, and teach him words to handle his feelings. And, when you're feeling frustrated, take a deep breath and try to imagine how the world looks through your toddler's eyes.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.