Your son doesn't have words yet to tell you all that he's feeling, but his behavior tells you, "I want to be big and in charge, but I also want to be little and just snuggle up." Sometimes when he whines and clings, he might be told to "act like a big boy." Other times, when he tries to be a big boy and have his own way, grownups get mad at him. Just as you probably feel somewhat ambivalent about your baby becoming a big boy, your toddler probably feels ambivalent too. When his confusion, ambivalence and frustration build, a temper tantrum may be the only way he knows to express those feelings. As he learns words to describe his feelings, he will have less of a need to act them out.
You and your toddler probably will come through this stage just fine, as most families do. Your job is to patiently help your child learn what's OK and what's not, let him be a "big boy" by making choices whenever possible (e.g. what to wear, what to have for a snack), let him cuddle like a baby when that is what he needs, and teach him words to handle his feelings. And, when you're feeling frustrated, take a deep breath and try to imagine how the world looks through your toddler's eyes.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.