At some point, you may find yourself face-to-face with allegations of abuse, neglect, or sexual activity with a foster child. You take foster children into your home because you want to see them grow into mature, beautiful adults. You don't understand how anyone could accuse you of wrongdoing.

Stop right there. Let's look at this from different perspectives. The foster child may feel that you have wronged her, possibly something as simple as paying more attention to another child. As the foster child feels less and less in control of her life, she becomes more and more angry. She invents a story of abuse or neglect. There are many reasons she may do this -- to keep you from forgetting her, to prevent you from giving attention to someone else, out of jealousy for your relationship with your spouse, revenge for restraining her, or mental illness (although this probably makes up the smallest percentage).

The caseworker receives a report that says you have abused a foster child. He has to do his job, which usually means he has to remove your other children until the investigation is complete. The worker probably knows in his heart that you didn't hurt this child, or any other, but he has to follow the law. He knows there really isn't anything he can do; he feels as helpless as you do.

The investigators are not emotionally involved in the situation like you and the caseworker are, so they can be objective. The person investigating the allegations has to interview scores of people, each with a different story, for lack of physical evidence, and then decipher who is telling the truth. The lives of many people are on the line, and that is a tough job to do.

Some foster kids don't have the capacity to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Some are extremely aggressive, causing you to restrain more often. Some get jealous easily, and others want the whole world to suffer along with them. Some just don't care.

Once you are faced with false allegations, all you can do is tell the truth and have faith that it will set you free. Keep your composure and explain exactly what happened and when. Use your support system to stay strong, and know that God ALWAYS has a plan.

I called my [foster] mom up to see if she had any ideas on avoiding false accusations. Here are her answers:

1 - Always have a second set of eyes

2 - Listen to your inner voice

3 - "You have two ears and one mouth; you should listen twice as much as you speak."

4 - "When a foster child has been abused by their father, we never let that child alone with Dad. When they were abused by their mother, we never let him or her alone with Mom."

5 - If you have to be alone with a foster child, let someone know where you are and when you you'll return. "If there was a time when Dad had to take a foster child to an appointment, he would call and say, "We just got done and we're on our way home." Mom would know then to expect Dad and the child to return in 20 minutes or so.

6 - Effective communication will tell you when a child feels safe being alone with both of the foster parents -- family meetings, cleansing sessions, etc.

These ideas are not foolproof, but they don't leave much room for false allegations to arise. If you have someone watching your back, then you'll have a witness to testify as to what happened. **A special thanks to my [foster] mom for her never-ending supply of knowledge. I love you, Mom!!

Until next time,
Wendi Sturgeon
corhanem@yahoo.com

© Wendi Sturgeon - corhanem@yahoo.com