Unwanted Advice
Question: As new parents we find ourselves bombarded with unsolicited advice on how to take care of our baby. We know that we have a lot to learn, but we often just want to say, "Bug off!" Any ideas how to handle this?
Answer: New parents--or, for that matter, parents at any stage--often find themselves on the receiving end of unwanted advice from well-meaning friends and relatives. And that raises several questions: How do you head off some of that advice in a way that doesn't alienate people but gives a clear message that you will make your own decisions? What are some common bits of bad advice you ought to beware of? And where can you go to determine what's really best?
When people offer you unsolicited advice, they usually are trying to be helpful. The challenge for you is to acknowledge their good intentions while letting them know you may not take their advice. For example, you might say, "Thanks for caring so much about us and our child. We're gathering lots of information about parenting, and we'll keep your ideas in mind as we decide what works best for us." Sometimes people really go overboard, peppering you with constant how-to's that can make you want to scream. When that happens, you may need to tell them firmly and clearly, "I need time to sort things out without people telling me what to do, and I trust that you will respect that need."
Now . . . since you did ask for my advice, let me warn you about a couple of classic bits of bad advice that many parents encounter. In my work with parents, I hear these over and over--but they are at odds with what research has shown to be best for babies:
"Just let him cry--it's good for him." Actually, research shows just the opposite: Babies whose cries are responded to sensitively and consistently cry less by the end of the first year of life, and they are more independent and cooperative as preschoolers than babies who are left to "cry it out."
"All she needs is a good spanking. That's how kids learn right from wrong." Spanking teaches kids not to get caught, but it is not very effective in helping them learn and internalize the rules and values the parents are trying to teach. Clear limits, simple explanations, and consistent enforcement--without physical force--are more effective in the long run. And of course itís always important to "catch your child being good."
If you encounter those popular but misguided bits of advice, you might respond, "I know that's been a popular idea, but it's been interesting to learn about what research is showing now . . ." And, in the meantime, it might be helpful to seek a reputable parenting class in your community where you can keep up with the latest thinking on child rearing and, most important, enjoy the support of other parents as you come to trust your own instincts.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
