Vandalism Consequences
Question: My children recently broke some pottery garden sculptures in our next-door neighbors' back yard. The kids told me about it. How do I administer consequences for the vandalism without discouraging them from being honest with me? I don't want them to feel they'll be punished for telling the truth.
Answer: This does pose an interesting dilemma of trying to teach two sometimes competing lessons: that honesty pays and that destructive acts have consequences. Handled carefully, this situation offers an opportunity to teach both lessons in a way your children are likely to remember.
At this point, the reward for your children's honesty will be pretty intangible. They will need to hear from you, with warmth and sincerity, that you are glad they told you the truth and that you recognize it was courageous of them to do so. You might say, "It helps me learn to trust you when you are brave enough to tell me the truth even when it's something that's hard to tell me."
The fact the children confessed indicates they know they were in the wrong. So acknowledge that by saying, "I know you understand that was a very bad thing to do, and I believe you won't do something like that again."
That said, you're still left with the destructive act. To maximize your children's learning, you'd be wise to engage them in deciding with you what they should do to make amends to the neighbors. Start by asking them, "What do you think should happen now?" If that question is too broad for them, encourage them to see through the neighbors' eyes by asking them, "If someone broke something special that belonged to you, what would you want them to do?" With guidance--if not on their own--your children probably will arrive at two important conclusions: They should apologize and they should replace the objects they destroyed.
Although embarrassing, the apology is the easy part. (Your kids may want to practice with you before they face the neighbors.) Depending on the value of the broken sculptures, and the ages and earning power of your children, making restitution may be challenging. You probably will need to use your money for now to purchase new sculptures for your neighbors, but you should work out a careful plan for having your children reimburse you for all or most of the cost. Although it may take quite a while, a portion of their allowance each week could be put in a special container. You might also give the kids opportunities to do extra household chores to earn additional money. And finally, when the children have paid off their debt, you might have them write a note to let the neighbors know restitution has been made.
With clear, logical consequences, there's no need for angry lectures. Your children will have learned a memorable lesson in the value of property and the importance of facing the people they harm. And when all is done, you can give them a hug and tell them you're proud of the way they took responsibility for their actions and that you trust they won't have to go through something like that again.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
