We Need to Learn...

I'm a special education teacher (learning handicapped), with extensive experience in behavior modification techniques. As a teacher, I have more access to professionals than the average parent. As a special education teacher, I have more access to even more professionals than the average teacher.

I told teachers, speech therapists, principals, psychologists, and other special education teachers about Andy. I mentioned that I felt we had never really bonded, that it was like living with a permanent house guest who didn't follow our rules; that we didn't feel like a family. I talked about the lying, the disregard of rules, and the stealing. Remember, he wasn't exhibiting any of these behaviors at school.

I told a principal with eleven children, and my sister with six, about the lying. They told me how to handle "whoppers." I don't think Andy ever told a whopper in his life.

I told a psychologist about Andy's behavior. He said, "Issues with trust are established by age two." I wish he'd expanded on that a bit. The neurologist referred us to Children's Hospital for a CAT scan and other tests. I have a report from a psychologist there that says, "Mother reports he has not bonded."

So, with all those resources, why did it take fourteen precious years to find out what the problem was? To date, I've met four teachers who had heard about attachment disorder before I told them Andy's story. All the information about attachment disorder is directed to parents. But if they, like we, don't know where to begin, they can't find a reference to attachment disorder, except by chance.

Andy had many of the symptoms of attachment disorder but he wasn't hyperactive, didn't have learning lags, or speech and language problems, symptoms which are likely to show up in school. Not every child with attachment disorder exhibits easily recognizable issues at school.

I am trying to collect anecdotal information about school behaviors teachers observe in students diagnosed with attachment disorder. I hope eventually to disseminate a list of school symptoms so teachers will be able to give parents information that may someday save them from our heartache.

This is the list so far:

· parent complaints about several of the symptoms of attachment disorder
· work completed, but not turned in
· immature behavior
· reluctance to discuss feelings
· hyperactivity
· lack of concentration
· hoarding food, eating too fast or too much, steals food
· parallel plays instead of playing with other children most of the time
· very competitive with other children
· always tries to cheat when playing games
· difficulty dealing with disappointments, not getting his way
· talks about being unlovable, bad, etc.
· extreme behavior issues when not in control
· extreme bossiness and argues about everything
· thinks knows more than the teacher, will correct her/him publicly
· unprepared for class with supplies - always borrows from others
· when directed to seat, takes round the world trip to get there
· child triangulates - tries to paint the parent as a villain in the teacher's eyes
· parents are exasperated but the teacher sees an angelic child

**This list is for informational purposes only and is not to be used as a way to diagnosis a child.


I wanted you all to read this as one statement kept coming back to me from my meeting last Thursday with the four educators at Niki's school. The special ed teacher said, "...we need to be educated about these kids...we need to learn how to help them..." When I heard this I thought, wow, she's got it! It remains to be seen if she did "get it". My meeting with the school was a week ago and I have not heard one peep. I will go in Monday with some resources for the binder that were not finished yet. Hopefully, next week I will have more to report.

I think it is important for people to hear Ann and Andy's story. As you have read, Ann did finally find out about attachment disorder when Andy was a teen. Two months later, Andy committed suicide. Isn't it time to learn how to help these kids?

You can help: For parents of children with attachment issues, please ask teachers to jot down symptoms they've noticed; teachers, please jot down symptoms you've noticed and email them to Nancy G (nancygeoghegan@adoptionmedia.com).

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