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It's been said that good manners make it possible for us to get along with people we don't really like. Most of us take a less cynical view. We see manners as expressions of respect for the feelings and needs of others; they can lend a certain graciousness to social life. But learning them takes time, and most children need a little help along the way.

More Than "Please" and "Thank You"

Much of what comes under the heading of manners consists of gestures by which we express consideration of others. Rituals like saying "please","thank you", and "I beg your pardon" symbolize our awareness of others' feelings. They can be learned gradually, and most likely through a combination of imitating adults and receiving gentle reminders when the occasion warrants it. Although no serious consequences are likely to follow from omitting these courtesies, adhering to them smooths the flow of social interaction among strangers and intimates alike.

Some manners, however, when omitted constitute instances of rudeness that are more annoying. For example, young children often have a difficult time learning to wait for their turn to speak and not to interrupt others' conversations. If most members of the family are verbose and compete for a chance to be heard, family gatherings can become quite contentious. Learning to take one's turn on such occasions requires time and patience from adults. It would be unrealistic to expect a three- or four-year-old to withhold her exciting contribution to the discussion for very long. While it is important to let children know that it is bad manners to interrupt, constant interruptions are probably an inevitable part of life with young children.

Yet another aspect of manners concerns consideration for others's feelings, especially about themselves. Thus a young child who asks a visiting relative, "How come you're so fat?" needs help in learning the complexities of when honesty is brutal rather than best. But it is not realistic to expect a preschooler to make such subtle distinctions.

Helpful Hints

As you strive to help your child master the fine points of good manners, the following hints may prove useful. Parents as well-mannered models probably provide the best teaching method. Most of the social graces are picked up from the environment.

Discourage "bad" manners gracefully. If a child makes a real faux pas, explanations and chastisements are best given after the event at home.

Try to focus on one or two aspects of manners at a time. Mastery of table manners may be enough for a three-year old to handle at one time.

Resist the temptation to scold a child who has been brutally frank. Even though your child may have embarrassed you, the subtleties of "white lies" are usually beyond children of this age. When a child has been too blunt, it is a good idea to protect her from the anger of the offended adult. Don't let the hurt adult turn on your child. The feelings of the adult who takes offense at the frankness of a small child are not as important as the child's need to be reassured by her parents that the error she made is not a fatal one.

Teaching a child to apologize and say she is sorry is probably best treated casually. A forced apology is not very worthwhile, especially when the perpetrator is unable to feel genuine sorrow. The best bet is simply to indicate to the child without rancor what behavior you prefer and expect the next time the situation occurs. Don't be surprised if the child needs many reminders before the preferred behavior becomes a habit.

Resist the temptation to extort manners. Demanding a "please" before giving a child something doesn't teach considerateness effectively; on the contrary, it may sow the seeds of bitterness.

Finally, relax and don't rush. These fine points of social life cannot be learned in a day.

© 1986National Parent Information Network

Credits: Lilian G. Katz