What to Say After Suicide Attempt
Question: My 14-year-old niece recently tried to commit suicide and now is hospitalized in a psychiatric unit. She overdosed on prescription medications; a friend found her just in time. My wife and I are going to visit her soon, but I'm really unsure about what to say to her. Should we mention the suicide attempt or just try to be cheerful and talk about other things? We're terribly frightened about all of this and want to do the right thing. What do you suggest?
Answer: It's natural that you feel uneasy about talking to your niece after such a disturbing event, and I understand how tempting it is to avoid the topic of her suicide attempt. But, in the long run, you and other family members will be better able to give her the support she needs if you meet the situation head-on. This first visit will be important in setting the tone for how you encourage her on her path to health and well-being.
I'd suggest that you start by telling your niece how relieved and thankful you are that her friend found her in time, and how glad you are that she now is in a safe place where she can get the professional help she needs. Don't be afraid to show emotion as you let her know how frightening the suicide attempt was for you. And, most important, let her know how much you care about her and want her to be well.
It's important also that you give your niece a chance to talk freely about what she's been experiencing. It's probably most helpful to simply tell her that you're glad to listen if she wants to talk about it--leaving the door open, but not pushing her to say more than is comfortable. Take your cues from her; if she prefers to talk about other things, follow her lead.
One benefit of an open, supportive conversation with your niece is that you can help to reduce the shame she may feel about "hitting bottom." You can give her a clear message that if she begins to become depressed in the future, it's OK to talk about it and seek help before she sinks so low. She needs to understand that depression is nothing to be embarrassed about, and that it usually can be treated successfully with therapy, medication and the active support of friends and family.
If it seems appropriate, you also might talk with your niece about other people you've known who have recovered from depression. When young people get to the point of wanting to commit suicide, they see no future, no way out of the dark hole they're in. And they typically feel like they are the only person in the world who has ever felt this way. An important step toward recovery is discovering that many other young people have experienced serious depression but have come through it--with good professional help--regaining their strength and zest for life.
The most common cause of suicide is untreated depression. And depression, by definition, leaves people feeling isolated, hopeless and powerless. Family members cannot be responsible for preventing a loved one from making suicide attempts. But, in partnership with mental health professionals, they can play an important role in helping a young person feel more connected, hopeful and able to cope with the stresses and challenges of adolescence. Beyond the general suggestions I've made here, I encourage you and other members of your family to seek advice from your niece's therapists about how you can be most supportive of her, in the context of whatever unique circumstances and issues underlie her emotional difficulties.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
