My birthmother gave me a baby shower when I was six months pregnant. It was the one she was supposed to have when she was pregnant with me It was forty years late but attended by all the right people. She proudly ushered me around to all her friends and relatives. She lovingly patted my stomach and easily slipped in to calling herself Grandma Sarah. I was delighted and moved to be a part of the family.

My adoptive mother would ask me how I was feeling and what the baby was doing when I was pregnant. We stayed away from topics like breast feeding and Lamaze classes. We focused on things she could relate to---what items the baby might need. When my daughter was born, my adoptive mother told me she thought my daughter looked a lot like me. I know how hard it was for her to say that. We had never talked about family resemblance before.

An adoptee's pregnancy resurrects the issues that initially brought the triad together---pregnancy, fertility and the ability to parent. If the original adoption triad does not adequately address these themes of adoption, then the next generation will be burdened with trying to resolve the lingering issues.

Which pieces of emotional work will be passed on to the pregnant adoptee's child? What will this child learn about love, trust, loss, abandonment, and connection? How will the adoptee's child define family? On a conscious or subconscious level, the child of the adoptee will have some adoption issues to be worked out. How can the original triad help pave the way is for the newest member of the family?

If each triad member does his or her own emotional work, then the whole triad team will be stronger and more available for the adoptee's child. If triad members are not known or not on speaking terms, then the adoptee's child will suffer. Why? Because there will be momentous events that need to be celebrated. Pregnancy, birth, baptism, birthdays, Thanksgivings, graduations, weddings, and funerals will be a part of the child's life. Who will be in attendance? Who won't? And who will feel the pressure of trying to please everyone?

In an ideal world, a couple deliberately conceives a baby whom they will raise and love for the rest of their lives. In adoption that doesn't happen. Normalizing pregnancy can help an adoptee bond with the unborn baby and prepare for parenthood. Pregnant adoptees need information, support, and a place to talk about their medical history, morning sickness and the first flutters of life within. Will an adoptee feel compelled to edit out some of the awe and excitement of pregnancy when talking with the birth or adoptive family?

Adoptive parents will be forced to face their fertility issues when their child becomes pregnant or fathers a child. Even if work has been done in this area, sadness and loss may find their way back to the adoptive parents. Acknowledging these feelings in an appropriate way and with the appropriate people can help an adoptive parent clear the way for grandparenthood.

Birth parents may find themselves being grandparents without ever having raised a child. Memories of the relinquishment experience may reappear without warning. Being around a grandchild can remind birth parents of what they missed out on in their child's life.

Triad members have much to give to the child of an adoptee. Adoptive parents are the keepers of the family stories and memories and can provide their grandchild with history. Birth parents hold the key to genetic information, the road map leading back to those who came before on a long list of ancestors. Each triad member is necessary and offers what the other cannot. Welcoming an adoptee's child into the family takes maturity and sensitivity. The real and imagined hurts of the original adoption can be reworked and repaired as triad members await the arrival of the adoptee's baby. An adoptee's pregnancy offers yet another chance for all triad members to come together and heal the wounds of adoption.

My birthfather's parents came to visit when my daughter was one month old. It was the first time we had all met. My birth grandmother held my daughter and softly sang her a lullaby. As I watched my daughter swiftly fall asleep in the safety of her great-grandmother's arms, I realized how deeply I had missed having grandparents in my own life. And, later on, it occurred to me that not getting something then was less important than what my daughter needs now.

Marlou Russell, PhD, is the author of Adoption Wisdom: A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption. She is a psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, CA, who specializes in adoption issues. Dr. Russell offers classes on the lifelong impact of adoption for triad members, mental health professionals and the public. Dr. Russell is the Adoptee Expert on the internet at http://www.adopting.org and an invited speaker at various seminars.

Credits: Marlou Russell, Ph.D.