When The Birth Mother Changes Her Mind

Sometimes a birth mother changes her mind about her adoption plan and decides to raise her child herself. Good education and counseling can help identify birth parents who may be more at risk than others to decide at the last minute to parent their children themselves, but no one can predict with certainty who will place a child for adoption.

No matter how sure birth parents seem of their plan to place their child for adoption, they can't be sure of the plan until after the child's birth. If the birth parents are having serious doubts about the plan, they should not let the adoptive parents take the baby home with them without letting them know the placement is uncertain.

When the birth mother changes her plans, adoptive parents are likely to feel a variety of emotions, including anger and fear. Although it may be difficult, they should resist the temptation to remind the birth parents of how much they have done for them or how much more they can offer the baby. No one "owes" anyone a child - no matter how much they have done for them. Adoptive parents should allow a professional counselor to explore with the birth parents the advantages and disadvantages of the options facing them.

Adoptive parents are human and should not be expected to meet the possible loss of a child with stoicism. Rather than venting their feelings in front of the birth parents, however, they can take them to their counselor or support group. As they get in touch with the sense of loss they have at the thought of losing a child they expected to be theirs, or one that they have parented for several weeks or months, they can begin to imagine what the pain is like for birth parents who are about to relinquish a child or who have just made a placement.

In addition, by getting angry at the birth parents, adoptive parents effectively close the door on that relationship, leaving the birth parents with little choice but to raise the baby themselves.

Sometimes when it appears that the birth parents may change their plans, adoptive parents withdraw from them or from the adoption to try to protect themselves from pain. This sometimes appears to birth parents as though the adoptive parents are no longer interested in the adoption plan. Again, this may leave them feeling they have no good alternative but to raise the baby themselves.

Good communication at this time is important so that birth parents don't change their plans due to misunderstanding.

If birth parents try to reclaim a child after placement, it's natural for adoptive parents to want to consider legal action to prevent them from doing so.

Adoptive parents should keep in mind that while it is disruptive for a child to be moved from one caretaker to another, children do adjust. Adjustment is easier if the child has received loving care from her first parents and continues it from her next parents, if the number of moves is minimal, and if effort is made to make the transition gentle. However, if parents have reason to believe the birth parents cannot adequately meet the child's needs, then fighting to keep the child may be in the child's best interests.

If adoptive parents choose to fight, they should fight fair. They should not use legal ploys to drag out the case until years have passed, then claim the child should remain with them because she has formed an attachment to them. Nor should they try to "outlast" the birth parents financially. They should keep in mind that if the case drags on for many years and the birth parents ultimately prevail, their pain - and that of the child - will be that much greater.

Before resorting to the legal system, however, both birth and adoptive parents should consider trying to settle their differences themselves or with the help of a mediator. The advantage of this is a quick resolution of the conflict rather than years of legal battles.

The goal when a child is reclaimed should be a gentle transition. For this to occur, the adults may have to put their own needs aside for the sake of the child. Because there are so many intense emotions when a child is reclaimed, there is a tendency for everyone to want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Unless the adoptive parents are so depressed by the reclaiming that they cannot meet the child's needs, an attempt should be made to gradually transfer the child to the birth parents.

It is also helpful for the adoptive parents to transfer the parental roles back to the birth parents through a ritual. Though this may be exceedingly difficult, rituals do more than celebrate - they mark transitions and help people understand how relationships have changed.

Furthermore, just as it is important for the birth parents placing a child to say good-bye to the child and give him permission to love his adoptive parents, it is important for the adoptive parents to have a chance to say good-bye to the child they have cared for and wish him well.

When adoptive parents lose a child before taking him home, they experience the loss of the dreams they had for this baby. It is similar to feelings parents have when a baby is stillborn or dies at birth. In addition, they experience the loss of time, money, and the other children they might have adopted.

If the child has lived with them for even a short time, their grief will be tantamount to that of parents whose child has died. For those who have experienced the losses of infertility or of other adoptions that have not worked out, this loss will be additionally hard to bear.

Adoptive parents will feel sad, angry, betrayed, and powerless as they grieve for this loss. When people experience a loss, they often feel out of control, for they know that if it had been within their power, they would not have chosen this loss. It is common for them to try to decide how they might have caused the loss so they can keep from suffering such loss again in the future, and to try to determine what they did to "deserve" such loss.

They seldom find reasons that make sense. It doesn't seem "fair" that the birth parents could invite them into their lives, lead them to believe that they would place their child with them, take their money and emotional investment, and then leave them with nothing but emptiness. It doesn't seem "fair" that the birth parents do not have any responsibility to live up to their agreement.

The situation may not be fair. But the only way to spare adoptive parents the pain they feel when a birth parent changes her mind is to keep adoptive parents out of the picture until it is certain that the child is free for adoption. The cost of this is that children are placed in foster families rather than with the parents it appears will be raising them. This denies them the opportunity to start forming an attachment to their parents from the very beginning.

Just as with the death of a child, the loss of a child through an adoption stresses a marital relationship. Neither partner might be emotionally able to help the other because it is all they can do to cope with their own pain. The father may deny his pain in an effort to take care of his wife.

Adoptive parents should imagine what they would have done if a child had died and behave accordingly:

· Avoid making major decisions or "replacing" the child before they have sufficiently grieved for this loss.

· Give themselves permission to not be prepared for the experience, even though they knew it was a risk.

· Take some time off work or away from other responsibilities.

· Gather their emotional support system around them.

· Resist the temptation to quickly rid themselves of the child's belongings or have friends do that for them.

· Save pictures of the child and other memorabilia - that child will always be a part of their family history.

As with the death of a child, adoptive parents can have a memorial service to help them put closure to this experience. Such a ritual could incorporate symbols of the child, such as the outfit the adoptive parents bought for the child to wear home, and include comforting prayers, readings, or songs. Many parents who have lost a child plant a tree as a permanent tribute. While it seems like the pain will never go away, eventually they will be able to get on with their lives despite the pain, and gradually their misery will diminish. Ultimately, they will be able to see that they have grown as a result of the experience.

This article is based on an article that first appeared in the October 1993 issue of Adopted Child newsletter and is reprinted with permission of the author.

Credits: Lois Melina