Recovery Roadblocks for Post-Placement Birthmothers

Since my first book came out, "One Birthmother's Emotional Truth," I have had an overwhelming response from birthmothers on recovery issues. One of the most common phrases I've heard is, "Courtney, where is MY revelation?" Recovery seems to come in three stages.

1.) Honeymoon Stage: Birthmothers who have placed within one year.
2.) Seven-Step Stage: Birthmothers who under-go the stages of recovery without realizing they are.
3.) Realization Stage: Birthmothers who placed over ten years ago who are just now able to begin recovery.

Here is an example of how a birthmother in these three stages reacts to the question: How do you feel about your relinquishment decision?

1.) Honeymoon Stage: I really feel good about my decision, the adoptive parents have been so great and I couldn't have picked better parents.
2.) Seven-Step Stage: I guess I'm finally coming to terms with things, but it's hard.
3.) Realization Stage: I didn't realize how much I needed help to get through this, I should have reached out a long time ago.

Regardless of which stage a birthmother is in, recovery takes on its own unique course. Following it however, is what proves to be difficult. How does one have a revelation?

Revelation: An act of, or something revealed. A manifestation of divine truth.
Antonyms: Verity, Reality.
Verity: Truth; a principle, belief; taken to be fundamentally true.

Common Questions:

"Six months ago I was fine, but now because of things that have happened I feel totally confused. I don't know what I'm feeling, what am I even supposed to be feeling?"

"How do you know for sure that you did the right thing? I was sure I did, but now I'm always questioning myself."

"When will I feel like I can move forward? Is it something that just happens?"

What these birthmothers don't realize is that they are already on their way to experiencing their own revelations! In the definition of revelation are the words, "Something Revealed." By their own questions, they are Revealing their own truths.

"I feel totally confused."
"I'm questioning myself."
"When will I move forward?"

If you are wondering these same things, or if you have asked yourself questions recently about your own recovery, you too are on your way to having your own revelation.

Revelation is Divine Truth. Revelation isn't necessarily a moment when you throw your hands up in the air and scream, "Yes! I have the answers!"

Divine Truth is: I am confused.
Divine Truth is: I'm ready to move forward.
Divine Truth is: I've got some serious questions.

Having and experiencing revelations in your recovery may or may not be huge lightening moments. They may be small realizations that suddenly free you up to be okay with where you are at the time and place you are in.

One birthmother in a support group I was recently leading said, "I'm beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me, I don't have all these issues that everyone else seems to have. I feel really okay about my decision and I'm not in any kind of serious pain." I asked her when she relinquished to which she replied, "Nine months ago."

Another birthmother, who had relinquished three years ago, spoke up, "Oh, I remember those days. You'll have issues honey, just you wait."

Recovery is most definitely a road. Birthmothers who more recently relinquished aren't going to be as far down the road as those who have been birthmothers longer. But to each of us our own journey. I asked the birthmother of three years, "Are you suggesting that she not enjoy this peaceful time but instead wait in fear of what you are claiming will eventually be painful?"

The birthmother responded with, "No, I'm just saying she's not "there" yet."
I asked, "And where is "there"?"
She responded, "Reality."

The truth is, each of us have our own realities, our own recoveries, and we all get there differently. Your revelations will not be the same as someone else's. So if you're feeling like something's not right, if you are questioning where you're at, or if you're confused ... accept these things as Divine Truths in your life as a birthmother and know that they are, in and of themselves, perfect revelations.

Road Blocks

You will only encounter road-blocks in your recovery when you deny what you are feeling and experiencing. Here are several road-block examples:

~ I shouldn't be feeling this way, my baby has great parents.
~ I need to just concentrate on the future, what's done is done.
~ Other birthmothers feel a certain way, so I should too.
~ It doesn't do any good to feel sorry for myself.
~ I'll deal with this later.

Other road-blocks to recovery include:

~ Lack of support from family and peers.
~ Attending a negative support group or not attending one at all.
~ Being left alone to deal with relinquishment issues.
~ Being told to move on and let go.
~ Negative changes in your relationship with the adoptive parents.
~ Abusive life cycles that cause continuous self-destruction.
~ Any kind of negative or abusive relationship.
~ Keeping your relinquishment a secret.

Breaking free of those road blocks:

Even though my baby has great parents, I still feel ...
I will concentrate on my future, but I will honor my past ...
Just because other birthmothers feel a certain way, I will respect the way I feel.
Sometimes I need to have a pity party, it feels good.
I don't want to deal with ... right now, but I'm going too.
My family and friends can't support me in the ways I need, so I'll get support elsewhere.
No one knows what I need better than I.
I will learn how to deal with disappointments in my relationship with my childs adoptive parents, no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I am aware of negative relationships in my life and will get help.
Today I will tell ... about my child, because it's important to me, and if they cannot accept it then I need to get that person out of my life.

Decide to have a revelation today by embracing a Divine Truth in your life.
There are no good or bad revelations when they are based on the truth of who you are at this time. The greatest revelation you can give to yourself is that of knowing who you are right now.