Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson

Question: My husband and I are thinking of writing our will. We are trying to decide who should take care of our two children should we pass on. Our familial choices are both limited and many. I come from a big family, yet I have problems with my siblings from a viewpoint of child rearing. How can I address this issue? How does one decide?

Answer: As difficult as it is to even entertain such possibilities, it's important to think carefully about what would be best for your children in the event of such a huge loss. Children's needs vary a great deal with age, and you don't say how old your children are. But these general questions should provide some guidelines for what to consider.

· To whom do your children already have close ties? If you were not available to them, is there someone to whom they naturally would turn for comfort or guidance?

· Among the people you know (both family and friends), who is most likely to make a serious emotional investment in your children's lifelong well-being? Certainly you would want your children to have the best care in the short run; but you also want to know they will have a family that provides a base of love and support through their adult lives.

· Who most closely shares your values and beliefs about the big issues involved in child rearing?

· Who is best prepared to address the short- and long-term emotional issues that arise for children at a time of catastrophe and loss?

· Are there potential caregivers in your circle of family and friends who would be able to maintain your children's existing connections with friends, school, place of worship and community? (Losing parents is a devastating loss under any conditions; continuity of other relationships can provide comfort and security.)

· Finally, who is willing to take on this responsibility--now and forever? It's critical before anyone agrees to being designated in your will that they think carefully about what such a role entails. No one should enter lightly into such an agreement.

According to our family attorney, the designation of caregivers for surviving children in a will is not legally binding, but judges usually honor the wishes of the parents. Exceptions sometimes occur when family members contest the arrangements recommended in the will. With that in mind, it would be wise for you to talk openly and tactfully with all interested parties about the arrangements you are specifying in your will. For example, if you choose to designate neighbors rather than family members, you might tell your relatives you have chosen someone who can allow the children to remain in their same school and neighborhood for the sake of continuity--and you might emphasize that you will instruct these friends to be sure your children maintain close contact with extended family in the event of your death. The last thing you would want to do is leave your children in the midst of a battle among friends or relatives who are angry and hurt by their exclusion from your plans.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.