Can words explain my feelings?
Its all in my past
All of this baggage, this complicated
Past I carry

I wish you could know the incredible love I have for you.

I wish you could comprehend the pain and the love, that your parents were given to you in.

I wish you knew the unique smell of a precious new baby, part of you, only to be lost.

I wish you could understand how it feels to go through life after giving birth, giving your all, and then to have no one to hold.

I wish you could read my mind as I go through each day hurting, smiling, missing, loving, thinking, wondering, yearning.

I wish you could be in my home to sit at my table, blow out candles, open presents, say your prayers, or get a band-aid.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel when no one understands me, or when someone takes my pain for granted, or when I am misinterpreted, misrepresented.

I wish you could know my thoughts when I see or hold a little girl and she's not you and she's not mine.

I wish you could know how it feels to never hear the words 'I love you mommy' from your mouth.

I wish I could explain to you my experience, my title, that forever will shape who I am.

I wish you could feel the hurt I live with when people verbally abuse or belittle what I have done, or as they express their attitudes of 'it will never happen to me'.

I wish you could realize that physical, emotional, and mental drain, lost sleep, tears shed, and joy felt of your existence.

I wish you could know the feeling of accomplishment that comes from making a family that otherwise would never existed.

I wish you could understand what it feels like to be asked if I have children, and either have to lie or give a complicated answer and have that stabbing in my heart.

Unless you have walked in my shoes, you could never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our choices mean.... I wish you could though. Not to hurt you, but all this only for you to know my love for you.

Love always and forever,
Your Birthmother
March 2001