Falling Through the Cracks

"What is that racket", I mumbled as I swam up to consciousness and answered the phone while struggling to orient myself with my surroundings and respond coherently.

"Hello", said the all too cheerful voice on the other end. "I am Mrs. Sorenson, the IST teacher from Nicolae's school." Before I finished my hello, she was off and running. "Your son's teacher has suggested that Niki be evaluated for the IST program. The IST program is in place to help children who have social, emotional, behavioral, and academic problems in school. IST stands for instructional support teacher. We would like you to come in for a meeting and give input into interventions that will help Niki succeed."

She sounded nice enough. Problem is I had done this all before at his other school and none of the interventions made a dent in Niki's issues at school.

You see, my Nik was left at the hospital the day he was born in Romania. He spent some time in the baby ward and then embarked on his 4 year journey through the Romanian orphanage system in the mountains of Transylvania. Unfortunately, his orphanages were some of the worst in the country.

Nik's early life was one of severe trauma, neglect, and abuse...

The infant laid there wondering where the other had gone. He had lost someone but didn't know who or how to find this other one. He cried but the other did not come. No one came. It got darker and he continued to cry until he fell asleep.

The pain in his middle was too much to bear. He screamed and cried and finally someone came. It was not the other and most of the time, it was not the same one. As the cold mush dribbled into his mouth, he sucked hungrily. After a few minutes, the food slipped off the pillow it was propped on and fell away and he screamed and cried for more as he still ached inside. No one came. He finally fell asleep in exhaustion.

He longed to be held, touched, caressed, talked to, played with, comforted, but there was no one else in this cold, wet, and smelly existence. Thus the infant learned to shut down. Slowly he learned not to feel the pain in his middle as much or the sores on him from the cold and constantly wet nappy. He learned to stare at the marks on the ceiling and when he could move, he learned to rock back and forth to meet his own needs for stimulation as best as he could.

These early experiences that continued and worsened for my son left him with neurological, emotional, social, and physiological issues that have affected every part of his life including school. He has learned to compensate for many of them and he is still healing with the Lord's help. School continues to be the biggest stressor in his life and I struggle to find the one or two people in his school that will take the time to understand my wounded son.

I finally convinced the IST teacher that we had been there and done that before - IST meetings, 504 accommodations. They don't work for Niki because my son is not learning disabled, nor does he have ADHD. These are two issues that the school understands and knows what to do about them, therefore, since Niki's outward behaviors are similar to ADHD, the school staff tends to make interventions that work for that population of children. However, these interventions do little to help Nik function well socially, emotionally, or academically in school.

Finally, I said the only way that I would participate again in this type of intervention for Nik is if before any meeting, the IST teacher and the seasoned guidance counselor would sit down with me for a couple of hours and start to learn about the post-institutionalized child. Only then would they be able to help my son. How could you possibly help a child heal and succeed if you do not understand what is driving these behaviors and issues? Logically, I don't think you can, we must step back first and try to educate ourselves regarding this population of children instead of trying to use strategies that work well for a different set of kids.

After quite a bit of convincing, we have an appointment next Thursday. I have that hopeful feeling again that I have had many times when I have tried to advocate for my child. Each time in the past, much of what I have brought to the meeting table has been given a cursory glance and not absorbed. Perhaps it will be different this time. Perhaps these two women will take it upon themselves to truly help my son by understanding his background.

I will be compiling a notebook with my articles, articles of others who understand these kids and how to help them in school. God willing, this time, Nik won't fall through the cracks again.

Next week, I will let you know how the meeting went and I will discuss some of the interventions we are thinking of implementing.

For next week's article, please email your questions to Nancy Geoghegan. I will answer them all and choose two to be featured in our article. Dr. Art, my co-moderator for the Attachment and Bonding forums will contribute to these Q and A's.

God bless you and yours!

Nancy G.

Nancy Geoghegan is the creator of Attachment Adoption.com and moderator of the
Attachment and Bonding Forums.