Families: Major Channel for Change and Healing

Children with attachment disorder have suffered greatly, usually at the hands of those who are supposed to care of them, love them, support them, and even die to protect them - their birth families, and usually more specifically their birth mom. It sometimes seems easier, safer, and less chaotic to raise these children in institutional care, allowing them to avoid the close attachments they fear and react to with such vehemence. The problem with that philosophy is that they never learn the skills needed to achieve family living. Once emancipated, they form families of their own, and thus perpetuate the cycle of neglect, abuse, and out of home care so familiar to us all. Family living is the best place for children with attachment disorder to learn, heal, and change. It is only through experiential day-to-day living that a child can learn that families can be safe and nurturing, and can meet his needs. It is a place to practice being a good spouse and parent. Traditional training in mental health and social work often produces professionals who empower the child rather than the family. A view of the apparently dysfunctional substitute family who is parenting a child with attachment disorder can lead professionals to look for abuse, poor parenting, anger, and control issues in the adults. Blaming parents is often the response which is not helpful. Support for the family must come from caring professionals forming an alliance with the adults, trusting what they say, and not minimizing their pain. Finding a professional who believes them, acknowledges the reality of their experience, and offers hope for change is often an added challenge to the family. They do not need another professional telling them to "love the child more and it will be all right." Love is not the cure - it only helps facilitate the cure.

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Although stereotypes are dangerous, the typical scenario for a family parenting a child with attachment disorder is an exhausted, controlling, angry mother with a more relaxed father (remember these children attack moms). The mother is often armed with reams of notes, sometimes chronicling) life moment to moment in order to "prove" her reality. She and the child are in a battle of control. Often other siblings have been ignored, the marital and sexual life of the parents has been threatened as the child takes over control of the family. It is not unusual to find couples who have not been on a night out alone in years. All the family resources (time, money, energy) have been absorbed by the child with attachment disorder.

If infertility is an issue in the adoption, the sense of loss, betrayal, and pain can intensify. Once the child begins to heal, often other issues are spotlighted in the family. Smaller issues can grow quite large from benign neglect, and need to be tenderly addressed. Respite, time away from family, to give child, siblings, and parents a chance to relax, is the most often requested support. Most available in the community to children with physical disabilities, this is a vital piece of support to keep families healthy. Respite can be creatively supplied by:

- family members

- paid formalized care in an approved home

- agreement among adoptive families to offer casual babysitting

- weekend retreats for moms or parents with child care provided

- part of training for preadoptive or foster parents while waiting for a child

- a day activity for children (recreation) to provide a rest for parents

- parents taking turns having an evening off

Parents should realize respite is not a "cure" or a punishment. It is simply time off to energize.

Parents need to be encouraged to take care of themselves. Mothers especially can suffer fatigue, stress, and even signs of depression. Encouraging them to begin a hobby, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, or whatever, making them feel capable, loved, and whole again is important. Just as important, the marriage needs to be taken care of by the spouses. Sometimes even encouraging a fifteen-minute break (go to day-care 15 minutes later and go for a walk, get up 15 minutes earlier with spouse and talk, go to bed 15 minutes later and read a book) can revitalize a person. Parent support groups suggest the best support is saying, "You aren't imagining it, you aren't alone, there is a reality and name for what you experience, and there is hope and help." These are the most positive statements a parent can hear from anyone. Support groups can be beneficial as parents can be validated by others. Often these families have been abandoned by family and friends who can't understand the issues. Isolated and alone, they suffer. Buddy families, pairing a couple with someone who has been there, can be invaluable. Parents need a safe place to vent anger, speak without judgement, and be given helpful suggestions regarding parenting. Recently a mothers' weekend retreat helped moms talk to other moms. "What a delight," said one, "to be able to say sometimes I hate my child, and no one is shocked. They all understand the roller coaster I am on." These support groups can also share in celebrating the often miniscule gains that families parenting attached children do not appreciate. Behaviors seen as normal, i.e., the child telling the truth about a minor infraction, needs to be celebrated in a child who have never done it before in his life. Other moms of children with attachment disorders understand this. Traditional therapy developed out of a belief that: 1) a client can develop a relationship, 2) a client can trust another, and 3) a client can feel internal discomfort, which is why it is generally ineffective with children who do not trust. Therapy needs to include parents either by their observation or presence in the treatment room. Parents can learn new management skills by modeling the therapist, and as parents learn to trust the therapist, they can hear parenting tips as a team suggestion, not a criticism. Children learn that adults communicate and help each other. The alliance with the parents must be lively, fun, and clear to the child. The child then needs to choose to join in the family or remain in isolation. Parents need to learn to let go of what they can't control and heal from their destructive cycle of anger and control. Most children get better (maybe not perfect) in families. Families are a tremendous resource for these children, and need to be nourished, not criticized by professionals and society. The family's needs should be met in order to keep the parents emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. These supports education, respite, support groups, weekend retreats, appropriate therapy, to name a few - need to be monetarily supported, available, and nurtured by the agencies who place the children. In this work, I am not discouraged by a few disruptions. I am rather awed by the commitment, love, perseverance, and healing that most families offer. These families need to be honored, nourished, cherished, and appreciated for the work that they do.

Credits: Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children