Birth Mom Scams, Are They For Real?

Could someone actually go so far as pretend to place their special needs baby, yet not really intend to put a baby in a parent's arms?
Scams are a very real and sorrowful event for expectant, adoptive families. Thankfully it is not as common in the special needs realm. But there are warning signs that help a potential
adoptive family tell whether a birth parent is truly ready to let go of their baby for adoption.

Click here to be
helped in California! Pregnant? Click Here

A. Confusion. Birth parents who are grieving, yet have chosen to carry a special needs baby to term, may have a different version of the true medical situation. They may be confused about medical terms, what the medical consequences are if their baby is born or even if their baby has a chance to live. They may have been pressured at one time to abort and that person may have used medical terms or symptoms grabbed from thin air. Be patient. Only correct if the birth parent asks for your input. They need to know however, that they really need to research more about their babies condition. Connecting with another parent who has gone through a birth with a baby with similar medical needs will give them a better idea of what to expect.

B. Open or Closed Adoptions? Birth parents may change what they want and need for an adoption. Be firm in your idea of what you want. Flexibility in the moment of decision may not be what you hoped for and can turn into a real frustration later. Worse yet, procrastination on our part as adoptive parents to actually come through with pictures, letters, visits, etc. after the baby is in our home. This is devastating to birth parents. Let's be true to our convictions and honest from the very beginning about what we want in an adoption. More information about open or confidential contact

Open adoptions: Letters, pictures, and sometimes visits are fairly normal now days. As a special needs child gets older and a birth parent heals, visits and letters may not need to be as often. Some adoptive parents are totally comfortable with letting birth moms and dads set the stipulations. Having a child with more severe special needs does make it easier to allow visits, as the adopted child may not really comprehend the whole idea of adoption. All they know is the mommy and daddy that meets their needs and cares for them.

Closed adoption: Some adoptive parents are not comfortable with an added "parent" in their child's lives. There are other ways to help a birth family get through the "wondering" time of healing. Using a go between such as an adoption lawyer or another agreed upon agency or organization may be a solution. This should be right up front in an adoption agreement between birth parents and adoptive parents. No gray areas here.

C. Ironing out the details. If a birth parent puts off talking about certain details, they are acting vague, or quiet about lawyers or signing away parental rights, beware. They may not be ready. If they are downright unwilling to meet with the attorney or agency, perhaps it is best just to back off and wait for further response from them. Giving birth parents lots of room to make a wise choice for their baby they have borne is a good idea. The whole idea of coping with Down syndrome or spina bifida may grow on them, and perhaps parenting is going to be O.K. after all. Let's give the Lord room to work. After all, this is what we are there for in the first place. If we have been the lifeline, preventing the birth parent from terminating the pregnancy in the time distress, you have succeeded!

D. Who is the father? What are the baby's medical needs? If a birth mom does not know who the father is, she may be using this as a stall tactic or she may be genuinely protecting him from embarrassment. Beware. Without the father's signing, the adoption can go into much more financial red tape as there are legal steps that must be taken to identify him (or locate him).
Medical records? If birth parents do not want you to contact anyone or give you the names of the doctors or health care records surrounding the baby's special needs, back off. They are still searching for the right path. Don't be afraid to put the matter to prayer. Your job as a CHASK adoptive parent is not finished. They Lord would have you carry this baby through birth and beyond in prayer. As a result of your faithfulness, this family may come to Jesus and this baby give you a hug in heaven.

E. Can you reach a birth parent? If a birth parent will not share with you how to be contacted and the baby is due to be born soon, perhaps she is still wanting time to think. Most birth parents are very happy to let you know how to reach them and are very relieved and glad to have someone sharing this difficult time in their lives. They may be calling you more often than you expect!

F. Money? Real warning signs. The only real problem that adoptive parents may have is that surrounding money. These are the rules: Birth parents may not receive money for their baby. A mom that has decided to carry a baby to term will hopefully not be on drugs. The truth is, money will be a real temptation to go back on after the birth. Do not send money directly to a birth parent. If there are legitimate needs and agreed upon financial help, find an attorney, agency or crisis pregnancy center to give it through. If a birth parent is dropping hints that they need help with food, rent, utilities, or payments, but does not ask directly be careful. Happily, we can say that special needs babies are in a realm all to themselves in the field of adoption. Birth parents that scam adoptive parents are much, much more less likely to surface in an emotionally, medically needy situation. They are rejoicing that someone cares.

Just be careful. Be wise. Be in prayer. Just because a few of these signs exist, do not give up hope. Just perhaps back off and let a birth parent make a decision. Check out all medical facts and potential concerns. May the Lord be with you in this ministry of sharing your heart with a birth family in critical crisis.