Birth Mom Emerges From Her Shell

I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
In August of 1969, I gave birth to a baby girl whom I did not see or hold. I hemorrhaged shortly after her birth and nearly died. When I recovered, she had already been taken away and I was not allowed to leave my hospital room nor was my baby to be brought to my room. I never prayed a lot in those days, but the one prayer I did pray was, "God, please take care of her."
I have not seen the birth father since the night I told him I was pregnant. I told my family and one girlfriend about my baby, but I never mentioned my baby to anyone else again. I lived my life being a loving aunt and involved in my nieces and nephews' lives. I think that that this was my attempt to try to replace the emptiness I felt.
I collect turtles as a hobby. A couple years ago, I did a term paper on grief. I explained that if I could think of one word to describe grief, it would be turtle. I felt that a turtle goes into its shell when danger approaches and stays until the danger is over. While not a healthy way to deal with grief, that was the way I dealt with giving up my daughter. I kept my feelings to myself with a wall, a protective shell around them.
Even though I came from a good Christian home and was saved and baptized when I was very young, things changed when I got out on my own. After my daughter's birth, I never felt worthy of God's love, so I did not attend church or turn to him in times of need.
In the summer of 1993, I kept wondering why I was feeling so unhappy. I had a good job; I had a steady boyfriend, and was buying a home. Everything anyone could ask for. Right? I started thinking a lot about God and wondering if that could be what was missing in my life. Soon after that, I woke up from my sleep crying in the middle of the night. I started praying and believing that Jesus is Lord. I wanted him to play an active part in my life.
On February 2, 1995, I received an unexpected phone call: "In 1969, you gave up a baby girl for adoption, and she has a desire to meet you." I nearly dropped the phone, and I started to cry. I have never cried as much in my life as I did the week between that first phone call and the day I saw my daughter Lori for the first time. The first time I talked to her, she told me that she loved me for giving her up for adoption, and that she could not have had better parents had I hand-picked them.
Recently, A birth mother asked a question of the adoption support group I attend: "If you could live your life over again, what would you change?" Of course, my first thought would be to have gotten married, raised Lori and live happily ever after.
However, knowing that one can never go back, and knowing what I know now, would I want to go back? I know Lori had a beautiful life with parents who dearly loved her. A couple who was unable to have children of their own was given the opportunity to raise her as their own and provide all the love and stability any child could ever wish for. She was brought up by a loving mother and father, which is something I could not give her, but everything I had hoped and prayed for her.
What could I have done differently? Since I have been reunited with Lori, I have found out just how wonderful my family and friends can be. My life might have been different had I trusted them instead of worrying about whether they would respect me. Maybe I could have talked to them after watching an adoption-related movie instead of crying myself to sleep alone. And maybe I could have received professional counsel and restored my faith in Jesus Christ sooner. There are many things I might have done or should have done; however, I believe all things happen for a reason. (Jeremiah 29:11) We do not get a chance to go back and live our life all over again, but we can make some changes that will help us in the future. My life has been an open book since I met my daughter, one that I have shared with my family, my friends, and yes, even complete strangers. The years since I met my daughter have been the most wonderful years of my life as our relationship continues to grow. I cannot make up the 25½ years, but I can make the future better. I hope and pray that there is a birth mom reading this page that can be helped by what I've learned.

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Credits: Sharon Fieker