Expression

Expression. The greatest pain reliever of all times. Spreading a palate of colors over a crisp, tight canvas not knowing what the picture will be, only that the paint seems to be bleeding all the insides from you. When it's done, you feel renewed ... a picture perfect display of your emotional freedom and the struggle you endured to get there.

Lina Eve

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Even her name impresses an inspiring taste to the tongue. Lina lives in New South Wales, Australia and currently acts as a Celebrant, Counselor, and has her degree in Visual Arts. She also works a few days a week at the local university teaching photography.

Many of you may already know this remarkable woman through her adoption artwork series, "Bad Girl." Lina comments, "Last year my art work traveled to the States to take part in two exhibitions, one in Washington and the other in New Jersey. The exhibitions were called "SAGAS" and were curated by Jess DelBalzo in New Jersey and Kay Russel in Washington. Both adoptees and birthmothers submitted their work, including the talented Barbara Franks-Morra."

About her artwork Lina says, "Painting them out is a transformation of the grief and anger into art. It helped me to begin to understand some of the aftermath of the whole process of losing your first child ... other birthmother's experiences, the adopted person's experience and the losses and grief of the whole triad, and extending figurations involved in adoption. I was very numbed by this early trauma in my life. Art has helped unlock my feelings."

At the age of fifty-five Lina's life thus far has been filled with astounding travel and experience. After loosing her daughter to adoption she left Australia and went traveling, "First to Israel," she says, "to work on a kibbutz and then on to Europe. My first marriage was to an Englishman in Paris. In Europe I worked as a model, then a folk-singer/songwriter, and then as a silversmith. I left my husband after five years and traveled overland to India."

It is apparent that Lina is a talented, intelligent woman who employs opportunities to succeed. She has taken, what many consider, a career risk by exposing herself as a birthmother and using her talents and passions to encourage others, while playing a political role in bringing the issues of adoption to the public. One may wonder, as I did, if the risk was too great and if it hindered her success as artist. To this Lina replies, "No, on the contrary, a lot of my artwork about adoption has actually helped my career as an artist, and the songs I wrote about my experience have also created a lot of positive feedback."

Her journey has not been without struggle though, and while it is apparent that her success and her passions have enabled her to succeed she goes on to say, "However, there are a lot of negatives of having your first child taken from you and not knowing where they are and how they are. It took me many years to trust women again, as the social workers who harassed me and undermined my self-esteem were women. It took me just as long to realize what had actually happened and that it had not only happened to me."

Lina faced another great challenge when, in 1990, she reunited with her daughter. She met that challenge and now, looking back offers this to those facing reunion today, "I would take better care of myself, by doing some guided meditation every day, eating nutritiously and putting some time aside for sharing relaxing and fun times with the rest of my loved ones, now knowing how stressful, obsessive and all consuming reunion can be. Well, that's what I like to think I would do...but perhaps I would be just as wildly excited. So intoxicated by the unbelievable coming true, that I would rush into it again with all the patience and finesse of a mad cow in a china shop and with as little wisdom and sensitivity.... just like last time!"

Finding her daughter, for Lina, meant that the unresolved grieving came to an end. I asked her how her life had changed to which she responded, "It gave me the energy and will to further my personal growth. I took up many new challenges, like becoming a counselor, going to university and getting my degree in Visual Arts. I became eager to express myself and found it easiest to do via song and/or image."

In 1999 Lina traveled to the States to take part in an exhibition about the Holocaust titled, "Memory and Meaning," at the Museum of the Holocaust in LA. Her father had spent the 2nd World war in Nazi concentration camps, and nearly all of the family had died there. Lina felt very grateful that the exhibition enabled her to travel to the States and finally meet some of the children of the only other survivor in her father's family and also his best friend who was in the camps with him.

Lina does not foresee herself slowing down anytime soon, in fact, her dreams and passions are stronger than ever. I sensed an exuberant joy in her words as she wrote about her future, "My future plans? To keep working, following my passion. My dream is to be able to travel more."

Lina Shares From The Heart ...

"My healing over the loss of my firstborn daughter to adoption has taken many years and is still ongoing. Reunion was the beginning of healing, even though my daughter cut contact with me after 1 year. At least I know she is alive and well. A lot of the unresolved grief has fallen away and I stopped having periodic depression. I had been so heavily into denial, I hadn't even linked my bouts of depression to the loss of my baby! After being totally obsessed with my daughter that 1st year of reunion, her cutting contact made me realize I had a lot to learn about adoption issues. I asked myself...."How could I have handled our reunion better?" So I trained as a counselor and learnt about active listening. I had tried to "fix" my daughter's unhappiness at being adopted and this had only served
to alienate her. I began to research the books that slowly became available about the experience of other bmoms and adoptees, and joined various on line support groups, plus a "live" one in my area. Becoming active politically about adoption reform helped me to support the young disempowered, pregnant, 17 year old that I once was.

When I manage to live in the moment, it is much easier for me to be happy and creative. However, sometimes I find myself feeling sad, angry, or some other negative emotion over something that happened a long time ago. Then I try to imagine how I could portray that emotion in image, song or writing, and thus transform the energy into a creative positive, hoping it will help others through their dark moments. Having contact with other birthmothers and adoptees has been the greatest healing experience. It made me realize none of us are alone in our deepest sorrow, nor our greatest joy. Sharing our stories, either by email, other writings, art, song etc....empowers us all, as it validates our feelings."

BITTER WINDS
(1989 I wrote this song for my daughter, a year before we met)

Once there was a young girl, she was crying for her love
He'd left her when the bitter winds did blow
He left her with a promise, he left her with a song,
He left her with a baby in her womb.
The winds did blow, the winds did blow, oh, how the bitter winds did blow.

The babe was born in sorrow, the babe was born in fear,
They treated the young girl with hate and scorn.
Her crime to love too early, her fate to be alone,
They made her wish that she had not been born.
The winds did blow, the winds did blow, oh, how the bitter winds did blow.

They pushed her to give up the child, they said she wasn't fit
To raise a child when she was one herself.
They cited all the reasons, yes, they made her feel the guilt,
She signed the papers with a broken heart.
The winds did blow, the winds did blow, oh, how the bitter winds did blow.

This happened in the sixties, but still I can't forget
The one time that I saw my baby girl
The man I thought I loved, well, for him I've no regrets
But I've ached to hold my daughter in my arms
The winds did blow, the winds did blow, oh, how the bitter winds did blow.

Now she is a woman, she might have babies of her own,
She may never know from whence she came.
I only gave her life, I only sent her prayers,
She may never know how much I cared
The winds did blow, the winds did blow,
Oh, the bitter winds did blow, Oh, how those bitter winds did blow.

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As an author I find this story about Lina Eve to be possibly one of the most intriguing and powerful stories I've ever had the privilege of writing. As a birth mother I feel blessed to have come into her presence just for these moments, to have been touched with the power of her own passion to make a difference.

To read more about Lina Eve's political and personal beliefs surrounding adoption, and to view more of her artwork please visit her website at: http://www.angelfire.com/art2/linaeve/

*BirthMother Spotlight is intended to celebrate the lives of women who have courageously gone forward in their dreams and passions in order to be examples to others. If you know of a BirthMother who would be a wonderful inspiration, please write to Courtney Frey @ candjfrey@msn.com

Credits: Courtney Frey