Generational Rivalry

*This article is written from a transcript chat. All names have been withheld due to the content. A link has been provided for anyone to view the transcript in its entirety but viewer discretion applies. None of the negative views or opinions stated in the transcript are supported by Adopting.org.

It is a type of rivalry that spans decades. As generations grow and environments change we find it more and more common for those who "went first" to feel resentment and anger. Similar to the more commonly known, "Sibling Rivalry," Birthmother Rivalry is fast to steal any 'sisterly' bond that should exist between Birthmothers.

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The Generation Before: "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then."

Current Generation: "I loved the agency I used, they provided me with counseling and support. I didn't feel any pressure, they offered help if I decided to parent or help if I chose adoption."

Evaluating the differences in these generations is impossible simply because more important are each individual's situation. Most situations depend on several aspects:

1.) The agency and its practices

2.) The adoptive parents

3.) The knowledge a birthmother has or the research she's done

In the following you will find an adoption comparison. The first adoption was handled through an agency ten years ago. The second adoption was handled through an agency just this year.

Adoption #1: I did not have any counseling, before the adoption or after.

Adoption #2: I received pre-placement counseling and post adoption counseling and am currently attending a birthmother support group through my agency.

Adoption #1: I chose the adoptive parents from a binder of over 100 portfolio's.

Adoption #2: I was profiled in detail by my caseworker and she selected only those seeking parents who she thought would make a good match with me. I then was able to view about ten couples.

Adoption #1: I met once with the adoptive couple I chose. We met at the agency and spent about an hour together.

Adoption #2: I was able to meet several times with a couple I was interested in. We were able to exchange phone numbers. When the decision was getting difficult and I needed more reassurance they allowed me to come to their home.

Adoption #1: A verbal agreement was made for pictures and letters in six months and then once a year with the option of meeting together in the future. The adoptive parents agreed. I was under the impression I was getting an open adoption. I was not supplied with any identifying information.

Adoption #2: I spent hours with my caseworker and the adoptive parents going over our hopes and wants for the adoption. We wrote out lists and talked endlessly. I was informed that any verbal agreement made would not be legally binding but after discussing that with the parents I didn't have any fear of them changing their minds. I had their phone number and home address.

Adoption #1: The day after the adoption was final my caseworker retired without telling me. No one at the agency remembered me when I called to ask how I would get pictures and letters. There were no pictures and letters until a year later. They were the only ones I ever received.

Adoption #2: The adoptive parents and I meet often and exchange phone calls, cards, letters, and gifts. Our relationship continues to strengthen and when I have questions or concerns I speak with my Birthmother counselor who has been there for me through the whole thing.

As you can see there are enormous differences in these two adoptions. If you take a closer look you will find that it comes down to the three aspects I listed above.

1.) The agency and its practices. The agency in Adoption #1 did not inform the birthmother of her rights or any of the laws concerning openness. (There are none) She did not know that any verbal agreements made between herself and the adoptive parents were not legally binding. She was not informed as to what kind of adoption she was getting. She had no information in which to make decisions about her adoption. She did not ask questions of her own either, nor did she do any kind of research. While this should be an agencies job, this does not excuse her of not knowing what she's "getting into." The agency did not stand behind her once the adoption was final either and did nothing to ensure that the verbal agreements that were made were enforced. In Adoption #2 the birthmother was well aware of the laws, of the kind of adoption she was getting, and was thoroughly counseled and supported well after the finalization. All necessary information she would need to make choices about her adoption were supplied.

2.) The Adoptive Parents: The parents in Adoption #1 made their decisions based upon what the birthmother was asking for. Regardless of really agreeing to their commitment or not, they told her they did. In Adoption #2 the adoptive parents realized that their open adoption would be a commitment for the all. In getting to know the birthmother they were well aware of her needs and were able to take the time to decide if they could meet them.

3.) The Knowledge a Birthmother has or the Research She's Done: In Adoption #1 the birthmother made every decision based solely on what the agency and the adoptive parents told her. She did not speak with other birthmothers or do any kind of research on her own. She assumed her needs would be met and trusted that all involved would pick up on her needs. In Adoption #2 the birthmother took adequate time to understand the laws, the adoptive parents, and what the agency could and would offer to her. She had answers to all of her questions.

The Internet didn't exist ten years ago for potential birthmothers to use. Now, potential birthmothers can go on line and get direct answers and support from millions of birthmothers. Just this week I received an e-mail from a birthmother who relinquished four months ago and was in fear of her open adoption becoming closed per the adoptive parents request. She wanted to know what her options were if any. Within hours I was able to contact an adoption attorney in her state and provide her with resources, we were able to look up her state's statutes on adoption, and she was e-mailing directly with her adoption agency to see how they could help her. Ten years ago she would have sat in her room, alone and crying, devastated at the deception she would have been able to do nothing about.

Jennifer, a birthmother in an open adoption writes: "One thing that keeps popping into my head when I think about the feelings that were expressed in the chat: TRUST. Years ago, these women trusted that the things adoption professionals were telling them were true. They earnestly listened to promises that were made, and did everything that everyone recommended, in the name of their child.

Good things are STARTING to happen. But we're not quite totally there yet. And these women, years later, are still feeling the pain of adoption practices of the past. If I had been lied to in such a serious manner, I don't know that I would be quick to trust anything having to do with adoption again. I can't totally understand their situation, but can only try to imagine how I would feel if someone lied to me about the well being of my child. I imagine you would see that same anger from me."

"Courtney had I been able to do what I wanted I would never have surrendered my daughter. And they didn't tell me that my baby would suffer by not growing up with me or the pain that I would have either. I'm angry about it"

Sisters who share memory of similar experiences will often either be best friends or they will become rivals. They will either compete against one another or back one another up. When one is blessed more so than the other, there will either be gladness or resentment. This holds true with the sisterhood of birthmothers.

With all of our resources and experience combined one would think we would be a force to be reckoned with. If enough of us stood up and were counted, became active together as a united front, knowing what works and what doesn't, we could change the faces of adoption as we know it. Yet we separate ourselves into different sects, different groups, and we comply to the rules of our own comfort zones.

During the chat I was criticized and belittled for my pro-adoption stance. Older birthmothers were appalled that I could be involved in such a "pretty" adoption site, knowing that I'd been betrayed and wounded in my own adoption. The next day I received several e-mails from these women, reiterating their disgust with me. Instead of responding with the same hate they spilled onto me, I offered my space on the website to them. I encouraged them to go ahead and share their views, to offer their insight and opinions on adoption. I wanted to be a support to them, give them a place to speak their voice in a positive way that might do some justice to their invalidated pain. In response I got, "If you sleep with the dogs you get fleas, so there is no way we would ever be a part of your sick adoption site."

I come from the "old" generation of birthmothers and can honestly say that I understand and know fully well from where the pain comes. And this wall between generations has caused me to wonder ... Am I really just in denial? Because I am not anti-adoption and because I choose to find ways to positively influence others ... am I a freak of adoption nature? What if each of us, from the old generation, really began to take our pain and use it? What if we put aside our adoption differences and logically looked forward?

We aren't mad at one another. It's just easier to spill the pain to those who are vulnerable to it. We are hurt at the agencies and attorneys who lied to us, who betrayed our trust and who manipulated our crisis to fit the needs of their clients. We are hurt by the adoptive parents who did not think twice about cutting us off, who obviously did not love our children as they stated they would or they would never have stolen their heritage and their right to know of us. We hurt for the children we loved enough to sacrifice, for too often our sacrifice was done in vain. When we've made choices in the hopes of giving our children lives filled with love, we are devastated to discover our choices may have indeed inflicted more pain. We are angry at ourselves for being so trustworthy and so naïve, and we are angry at those who did not help us. But since the attorney's and agencies and adoptive parents are quite out of reach and of no help ... we only have one another to release these crucial and painful emotions on. In our own pain, when we see another of us who has gone beyond it, our defenses go up and the reality of our situations become like a raging river ... Who will build the dam? Who will calm the waters? Who can make it right again ...

Don't discredit me this pain of mine,

do not justify the cause.

Allow me this, the truth I cry

For the child I have lost.

If tears were cried in color, birthmothers would be famous artists. In my hopes and dreams I see a palate of united freedom from our pain. That which we struggle to live with every day will become that which we use to fuel our passions for change.

To take the memory of what once was with the reality of what is, and together to be able to make what should come to be; that is my dream. For all of us.

So if you see a birthmother in her "honeymoon" stage and it fuels your need for validation ... do not scorn her for the joy she has, but promise to be there when her own reality sets in. If you run across a birthmother who has been betrayed, who is crying out for help, do not give her grief as in 'I told you so,' but spread the word to all of us so that we can blackball those who've done it. If we, for every time we wanted to rage, instead reached out to change ... we might actually do some good.

Credits: Courtney Frey