Mallie, We Love You!

It was her birthday, but she didn't know I was thinking about her. All day long I was imagining what her birthday party was like and how many wonderful presents she was going to get. Someday. Someday I'll get to wish her Happy Birthday to her face, if she'll let me. It was the choice that I made. And it's the choice I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. But it is okay.

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Mallory Jane was born on November 5, 1996 at 6:20 a.m. She weighed 7 lbs 2 oz and she had dark blue eyes, puffy cheeks, and pink lips. I can remember it all like it was yesterday. But now, it was a year ago.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 16. It was quite a blow to my normal, everyday, cheerleading, ROTC-ing, working life. When I found out that I was going to be a mother, I knew in my heart, that I wouldn't be able to give this baby everything in life that I wanted her to have. My life seemed to be flashing before my eyes, while I was trying desperately to think of what to do. I knew that my boyfriend and I had very high expectations of life, and the thought of raising a child that would be deprived of so many things, for starters- having two parents without high school diplomas, which was just unacceptable to me. And most importantly, a family. I knew in my heart that Jay and I would be together forever (and we still are), but I wasn't ready to get married and have a baby yet. I was just too young. Jay and I had just recently gotten to the age when you want to start to discuss your future, and we were eager to start making plans, as in me going off to college, and him going into the military. But suddenly, when we found out about me, all those dreams began to look awfully hazy. We were both scared. Scared of losing our youth. Scared of becoming parents, and scared of what we might have done to our relationship.

From the very beginning, Jay and I considered adoption as one of our options, even more so than abortion. Adoption was a option that we basically thought could solve all of our problems. But I guess I always thought in the back of my head that we would never really do it. I wasn't really going to put my baby up for adoption...was I?

When I started my senior year of high school, I was just starting to really look like I was pregnant. Obviously, the gossip spread pretty fast, and my and Jay's worlds were turned upside down. I never took a big hit though, that I let anyone in school see, I just didn't look at dropping out of school as an option. And nobody could believe it. It's not as if I was trying to be tough by staying in school, and proving everyone wrong, it was just that I wanted to prove a point. The point that I was not a bad person, I had just made a mistake. Not a sin, which unfortunately half the mothers of kids in the school were making it look like. We both had to deal with a lot of opinions that we really didn't care to hear, but we had to take it. What choice did we have? The truth was that everything was breaking me up inside. How much more could I take? I learned just how much, and more in the next couple of months.

About the sixth month, Jay and I started to realize that we were really going to have start making some decisions- and soon. So finally, Jay called an adoption agency that my doctor had recommended very highly to us, along with the name of a counselor she was acquainted with. The first time we went to the agency I felt very uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Everyone was so friendly and supportive to Jay and me, but I wasn't ready to be happy and cheerful.

It took me another 3 or 4 weeks before I could go back and talk more with the counselor. But the next time we went, I actually began to start talking. I started to ask questions, and some of my fears of adoption began to go away. So many of the dark myths about adoption are scary- but so untrue. The one that I had planted in my head was the one where the baby is born and it is taken away by people in black clothes, before the mother even gets to see her. Our counselor put our minds and our hearts at ease. We were told that adoption today is however you want it to be. Open, semi-open, or closed if you really wanted it. Our agency really supported, and urged open adoption though, which made me really happy.

In another week, Jay and I went back to the agency, and our counselor asked us if we would be interested in looking at some couple profiles. We were both amazed, it was really neat how you can describe all the qualities that you would like the parents to have, and the agency pulls all the files that match. For the next two weeks, Jay and I read the four profiles that our counselor had given us, over and over. I think we both knew right away that first impression is the most important. It was comforting that both of us really liked one particular couple.

The last two months of my pregnancy moved incredibly fast, both Jay and I were trying to keep up with school, work, and take care of ourselves. It was incredible now that I look back at it. At the beginning of September, we met Tim and Jane. As nervous as I know all of us were, it went as well as I hoped. They were everything I wanted and more, for our daughter. We met them at lunch with our counselor one day, and then alone for breakfast the next day. That day, we gave them an early present for our baby, which was a Winnie the Pooh musical box. At that point, I knew we loved them, as much as they loved us. Letting Jane put her hand on my belly, and letting her feel the life inside of me, was enough to make anyone cry...but I it wasn't a sad cry, it was good.

I wasn't due to deliver until November 22, but I woke up about 2:30 a.m. on the morning of November the 5th. I had no idea what labor pains felt like, so I just assumed that I was having back pains. Finally around 3 o'clock, I woke up my mother and called Jay, and we were on our way to the hospital. To my surprise, I was in very advanced stages of labor, and was already dilated to 8, which unfortunately meant that it was too late for an epidural. So, in a quick 2 hours, I experienced labor and delivery. Which was the most amazing experience of my whole life. And something I know neither Jay nor I will ever forget.

Our hospital stay was warm and welcoming. Never once, did I think that I wasn't getting something, or that anything was being hidden from me. Everything went as we wanted it. Jane and Tim arrived the next morning, and we took them upstairs to introduce them to little Mallory. One of the hardest things to watch, was Jay putting her into Jane's arms. But I knew, just by watching both of them with Mallory, that they were going to be her mommy and daddy, and Jay and I would always be her parents.

The next day we decided to plan to check out around noontime, so we scheduled the final signing of papers for around 10 o'clock. It didn't hit me until after it was all over, that it was over. I had just had a daughter, but she was now Tim and Jane's daughter. But the thing is, that I'm okay. It's taken me months of reassuring myself, and crying for her...but we are okay.

I hope someday I will meet Mallory, the option will always be open to her if and when she is ready. Even if she chooses not to, she will always have the memory book that Jay and I made ourselves with pictures and information about the two of us, especially for her. To any teenage girls out there who are overwhelmed with discovering your pregnancies, discuss the option of adoption. Not only does in insure you that your child will always be loved and taken care of, it gives the chance of family to others. We love you Mallie. And we always will.

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Post-script: May 19, 1999

Now almost 2 years later, Rebekah, Jay, Tim, and Jane all keep very close contact about their daughter. Tim and Jane have since moved to accommodate Tim's job, but have honored their promise to keep in touch, and send videos and pictures often to brighten Rebekah and Jay's days.

Mallory has now become a big sister to Tim and Jane's newly adopted son, Andrew, and is loving every minute. She is the joy of many people's lives, including Rebekah and Jay even though they are not directly involved.

With Mallory turning 3 this year, Rebekah finds herself an individual who has grown immensely.

Credits: Rebekah