A Mother's Job

On Saturday, May 8, I will celebrate my role as a mother and reflect on the life I made for my daughter without me. For I am a birthmother and with other birthmothers and a growing number of adoptive parents, I will be marking Birthmother's Day and the roles we played in our children's lives.

Memories of those days come flooding back to me and again I am touched with pride in what I was able to accomplish for her during my short time as parent.

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I remember sitting alone - seven months pregnant -- as the noisy celebration of the Fourth of July, punctuated my uncertainty concerning the decisions I had made during my pregnancy. I faced three options, single motherhood, abortion or adoption and had long since rejected abortion.

Her birthfather was too young and had too many problems to take care of anyone other than himself. So, for seven months, I had been confident that I would join the legions of single mothers raising their children however difficult those circumstances would be. Everything would be okay - somehow. Many women did it. I was sure I could too.

But during that hot, July weekend, I began to wonder. My confidence about becoming a mother was suddenly being nudged aside by overwhelming questions. How will I feed my baby? Sure, I could work two jobs but I'd never be home. What kind of life is that for a child? Suddenly, I felt selfish in the face of a complete conviction that my daughter deserved the best. That's what Moms are supposed to do for their children, I reasoned. They are supposed to do their best and I was wondering if my best was what was best for her.

I began considering adoption but knew little about it. I was trying to make a lifelong decision and I needed facts, fast, before I started to meet any prospective parents.

What emerged from my research and silent deliberations was a direct placement. I knew the only way I could make an adoption plan was to exercise my parental rights. It was, however, more than a right. It was an obligation, a sacred duty. I had to know who her parents were to be. I had to know she would be safe and loved. That was a job I could not hand to another.

Because adoption has changed today, the ability to choose parents gave me what I needed to make my difficult decision. It allowed me to do what was right in providing for the rest of her life while entrusting her to other people to raise.

My counselor helped me work through the details of my adoption plan. She educated me on adoption and guided me in my planning. She did everything she could to help me weigh the pros and cons of each option, to help me make the right plan, first for my baby and then for me. I wouldn't have been as strong without her guidance and concern.

My mother also played a pivotal role in both supporting me and in linking me to my child's parents. I received their letter and it brought tears to my eyes. I could feel their hope and excitement. But still, I needed time. I needed to make sure of my decision to make an adoption plan. I did not want to get their hopes up if I were not truly ready to talk to them as my baby's prospective parents.

I learned much waiting for her to be born. I wondered if I had the courage to take the next steps. I learned I had strength I didn't even know I had to accomplish the tasks ahead. The journey showed me that courage, and determination, are an inextricable part of making an adoption plan.

I learned that no one should make such decisions alone. My grandparents supported my plans, as with my mother, provided counsel gained through the wisdom of age. Friends and family kept me busy when they saw me retreating into my confusion.

I learned from my best friend, also facing an unplanned pregnancy and plans for single motherhood, that we must each make our own decisions unfettered by outside pressures or decisions others make for themselves. We are all different and while our choices may differ, they are equally valid; equally right.

I learned responsibility despite the far easier paths I could have chosen. My mother was suffering guilt, thinking that she should care for my child. But for her to start over with an infant seemed so cruelly unfair. This was my responsibility. I was an adult and I was going to handle this; make a plan.

And I learned from the baby still growing within me. I called her "Little One" and I began to talk to her about the decision I was making. I just wanted the best for her regardless of its impact on me. I learned that putting her interests before my own was not so much a sacrifice but an effort to define what was best in terms of her life, not mine.

I learned from her parents that I judge people well. During our first meeting I listened and formed a picture of their personalities. They never spoke about the baby, but were more concerned about me; not merely as a vessel for, or a genetic component of, their potential child but as a person making a difficult decision.

They were charming and personable and just as nervous as I. I could see she had a lot of energy, wit and happiness. He was quiet, calming, intellectual and clearly had a loving personality. They complemented each other. During a later visit to them we talked of both past and future. We talked about childhood. He is from Germany and she an adoptee from Israel. Who better, I thought, to help my child understand adoption? We talked about my childhood filled with its constant moves to accommodate the military but still happy and warm.

Together that weekend, we began to form an adoption plan. She suggested visitation and I was thrilled. While I knew that I must decide who the parents would be, I assumed that I would be lucky to get periodic pictures.

I wanted a stable home and happy parents for my child. They wanted to give her love, support and a family. I came to know them as loving and caring, something that remains after four years. I needed to know my child would have a happy and loving home and it was during this visit that I knew they would make wonderful parents.

Finally, I could make a decision and when I told them they were beyond themselves with excitement and we laughed and cried and - later, picked out the tiny outfit in which our daughter would go home.

I learned first hand the miracle of birth. I cried the moment I saw her. She was so beautiful. Her parents met her before first hour was out, giving her first bath and then tearing themselves away while we said hello and goodbye over the next 24 hours.

Finally, we, her new parents and I, held a prayer service. It was beautiful and filled with tears of joy and, for me, joy mixed with sadness but buoyed by the excitement and love coming from her Mom and Dad.

I learned about the love of a child when I realized how many people loved her. This child, like so many other adopted children, was not rejected. She is not unwanted. She is not unloved. Quite the opposite, she and others like her, are surrounded by so many people who love them and want them and, most importantly, who want the best
for them.

Now, as I sit in my reverie, thinking of her as I often do, I can whisper the message I will send on Birthmother's Day. I know you are a special child and I am glad I gave you life. You look like me when I was your age. When your parents tell me about you, I hear my mother's voice describing my childhood.

I love hearing about your development as little echoes from my past. I also know that while we - your parents and I - gave you your path, you have your whole life spread before you with untold opportunities as your own person. My dreams for you are simple. I want you to be happy and loved and, as I waft in and out of your life, I know that you are.

As for me, I am a birthmother who needn't live life wondering in the dark about the child she loves. Knowing about you lets me honor and respect your life not as an intruder but as an invited friend of the family.

Finally, I have learned that, despite its difficulties, I have done a mother's job and done it well."

WHAT MORE CAN A MOTHER ASK FOR?

TO MY DAUGHTER

( This is the prayer I used at her entrustment ceremony)

I thank you, O Lord, for the great honor you have bestowed upon me.
I am privileged to give to another the life which you bestowed on me.
You alone know my desires and dreams
You alone know the thoughts which at every moment accompany the growth of my child.
Let me never forget, O Lord, that you have loved my child from all eternity,
Much more than I could ever love her.
I put her entirely in your trust.

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What I Want The World To Know About Adoption

Deciding to place my daughter for adoption was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I am proud of my choice and I hope if you are a birth parent you are proud of your decision as well.

Planning an adoption is a different experience for each person that takes the time to make that decision. I was seven months pregnant when I started to realize that I was not ready to be a parent. I spent the last months of my pregnancy researching and planning an adoption. I wanted to make sure that placing my daughter was the best option for me.

I really wanted to be a parent that was involved in my child's life and I felt that as a single parent I would not be able to be the main caretaker. I had visions of baby-sitters raising my child and I did not want that.

THIS WAS THE HARDEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE WITH LIFE LONG CONSEQUENCES.

I decided that even though my choice would hurt me and possibly my child. I wanted to make sure that I turned it into a positive experience for both of us. I had two choices - feel proud of my decision, or feel ashamed. I decided I had the right to feel PROUD. I took the time to plan an adoption because I felt like it was the best option for ME.

I would like the world to see adoption as a positive option in this world. To bring a child into this world is something a person does out of love and care for their child.

To take the time to plan an adoption is a responsible and loving decision for a birth parent to make. To be involved in an adoption is to show your child that you do love them and care about what happens in their life. It shows your child that you wanted to give them a life that you could not provide at the time.

Adoption shows a child that you care and your goal was not to get rid of them, but to give them a better life with parents who are able to care for them. I would like the world to see adoption as a loving choice not involving heroes but involving human beings who care about a child. I would like the world to see birth parents as people taking the time to provide a life for a child.

TEACHING the world that to choose to plan an adoption is not getting rid of a child but giving a child a chance at life.

I would like the world to know that birth parents LOVE their children and that we DON'T forget our children. Birth parents are good people who look beyond their own needs to take responsibility of being a parent by placing their child's needs first.

I would like the world to know that birth parents are not bad people but strong people who want to do what is right. We don't want to be criticized for our choice but to be offered love and comfort for our decision that causes us so much hurt and pain.

I would like the parents of my birth daughter to tell her how much she is loved. I would like the parents of my birth daughter to educate her about adoption, to teach her that she is special because she is loved by many, not to be ashamed because she is adopted. I would like her to know that this was not an easy choice to make and that she is always in my heart if not by my side.

Even though the last four years have been filled with joyfulness and sadness, I am happy that I took the time to plan an adoption.

Adoption can be a wonderful experience, you just need to keep an open mind and realize that it is a relationship that changes from day to day. With good communication and education it can be a positive experience for everyone involved.

GOOD NEWS!!!! - My husband and I our expecting an addition to our family around January 3, 2000!

Credits: Lisa Nicholson