Celebrating Motherhood

What mother doesn't look forward to that special Sunday in May? The day we are honored, respected, perhaps even pampered and thanked profusely for the most important role we play 24 hours a day, 365 days a year-being a MOM.

But what about the invisible mothers who live apart from the children they gave birth to? Do we honor, respect and give thanks to all mothers on Mother's Day? Sadly, society does not. For most birth mothers, there are no cards or flowers. For most birth mothers, Mother's Day is one of the most painful days of the year.

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Mother's Day was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the words to the Battle hymn of the Republic) as a day dedicated to peace. In 1990, a group of Seattle birth mothers took that commitment one step further and created Birth Mother's Day-a day to honor and remember the motherhood experience of birth mothers. It grew out of the shared recognition that Mother's Day is very painful for birth mothers, and in recognizing the love and sorrow for the children they lost or placed in adoption, Birth Mother's Day can be seen as an act of peace making and healing.

For more than a decade now, Birth Mother's Day has been celebrated on the Saturday before Mother's Day. One of the founders, Mary Jean Marsh, says that celebrating on the day before Mother's Day "seemed especially appropriate as our motherhood came before and foreshadows the motherhood of another."

When a birth mother places their child in the hands of the adoptive mother, whether it is two minutes or two months after birth, it does not take away all that came before. They loved and nurtured our children in their womb and brought them to the world. They gave them the gift of life. A birth mother's job of mothering, albeit short lived, is as valid as our own.

If you are an adoptive parent, consider celebrating Birth Mother's Day with your child, whether or not his or her birth mother is currently in your life. If she is, why not send her a card, take her to lunch, or have your child draw her a picture? If she is not, you can still write her a card, light a candle in remembrance of her, or have your child draw a picture to save for the day if or when the two shall meet. Invisibility and silence gives adopted children the message they are forgotten by their birth mothers and that they have no place for expressing their feelings, thoughts or questions about the woman who gave the gift of life. Birth Mother's Day can simply be a day when you openly express with your child the honor and respect his or her birth mother deserves.

To all birth mothers, from the bottom of my heart I wish you a happy and peaceful Birth Mother's Day (next year), and to my daughter's loving and courageous birth mother, I especially thank you for my joy in particular on Mothers' Day.

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Rebecca Gold is an adoptive mom and the author of "Till There Was You - An Adoption Expectancy Journal" (1998, Pineapple Press). You can write to her with questions and comments at RebGold@aol.com or visit her website at http://members.aol.com/pynappress