Accepting Adoption

My husband and I have had 4 biological children. Our youngest daughter died of a brain tumor in February of 1993 when she was 4 years old. Our other 3 children are now 19, 17 and 14. In June of this year, we traveled to China to adopt our beautiful daughter Mimi, who turned one on November 25th.

My children adored their late sister, as did the rest of my extended family. My father, particularly, was one of our daughter's primary caregivers and took her loss very badly. When we first began to consider adoption, we spoke to our children. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Enough time had passed for all of us to be clear that this new child would not be a replacement, but rather a joyful late addition.

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My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the same week we began telling family that we were starting the adoption process. The anticipation of a new grandchild (who is her namesake) helped give her focus during the anxious months of a double mastectomy and recovery. My father, on the other hand, was unbendingly negative. His unspoken thoughts were plain. We were betraying his beloved granddaughter's memory by bringing in an interloper, and he refused to have anything to do with it or with her. She would not be HIS grandchild, he baldly stated, not this Chinese stranger. And why Chinese, for heaven's sake! Couldn't we get some blond Irish kid if we had to do this stupid thing? In his day, people looked suspiciously at Asian faces and whispered about the "Yellow Peril." Now he was supposed to accept one of these as his grandchild?

As the months passed, nothing we said had any effect on his hard stance. Two weeks before leaving for China, we called a family meeting and, tears in my eyes, I begged him to try not to reject the coming baby. I reminded him that I had greatly loved and mourned my daughter, but that I was ready to love again and that this child, from my body or not, was coming. Would he try to accept her? Shamed at last, he told me to just let him have some time. He wasn't a monster, for heaven's sake. He wasn't going to hurt the baby. It was just that expecting him to be her grandfather was going too far.

We adopted Mimi on June 10th in Changsha, in the Hunan province. Exquisite and affectionate, she so far exceeded our expectations that we were overwhelmed. We were reborn as parents and couldn't wait to share her with the family. Our children listened to every detail when we called to tell them about their new sister. My father refused to pick up the phone. My mother simply repeated my conversations with her and, grudgingly, he began to be intrigued by this supposed paragon.

After an unbelievably tiring and 3 plane-change trip home, we landed in California. My husband and I were drippy, sweaty messes. Mimi, operating on 5 hours of sleep in 29 hours of travel, was dressed in her finest, happy as a clam and ready to wow the waiting crowd. We stumbled off the plane and into the jetway. At the other end, having sneaked past the waiting crowd and the airline security cordon, was my father. My husband passed him with a hi, and my father barely acknowledged him. He stared at the baby as I approached. "Here she is," I said. Mimi studied him for a second, flashed a 20,000 kilowatt smile, reached out and squeezed his nose. She's been leading him by it ever since.

It helps a lot that Mimi is unrelenting in her desire to conquer people who don't want to be charmed. In restaurants, she looks around until she selects a target, focuses her considerable attention on the lucky individual and zaps him with charm until he succumbs. My father didn't have a chance. Within weeks, she was throwing herself into his arms whenever he was near. He began to take her outside to show her his koi pond and windchimes. A born courtesan, she thrills at the sight each time as if it was the first. Grandpa (Oh, yes, he most definitely answers to the title, especially since at 10 months "Ampa" was her 4th word!) now takes her for walks around the neighborhood and introduces her proudly as his granddaughter. Her being Chinese is no longer a stigma in his eyes. Now it is just another feature that marks her as unique---for his grandchildren are never ordinary.

The other children's reactions have continued to be very positive. In fact our 14 year old, who suffers from severe ADHD and has had problems managing her anger and behavior, has been able to make significant positive changes since the baby came home because she wanted Mimi to have a home free from stress. None of us realized how much we missed the presence of a small child in our home. Together we shared a great loss and together we celebrate this great joy-as a family.

Evelyne's story came in response to the Question of the Quarter on R&W's website. Thanks! Her story also appeared in Parents At Last: Celebrating Adoption and The New Pathways To Parenthood (Random House, 1998)

Credits: Evelyne McNamara