Alternatives to Abuse
Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha EricksonQuestion: I'm a single male who just read your article entitled "Many Ignore Child Abuse Due to Lack of Knowing What to Do". Can you tell me the difference between abuse and discipline? Can a light spanking be viewed as abuse? The problems of today's children and teenagers goes back to early years when discipline wasn't used. Parents need the tools to enforce discipline.
From early childhood through the adolescent years, kids need discipline. Clear limits, communicated in age-appropriate language, give children a strong message that their parents care about them and will look out for their safety and well-being. Giving children reasons for the limits you set -- and, as children get old enough to understand, explaining the values you're trying to instill -- gives young people a framework for making good decisions in a complex, often confusing world. Recognizing children's positive behavior points them in the right direction to becoming caring, responsible adults. And imposing swift, logical consequences when children misbehave, tells them you are seriously committed to helping them learn right from wrong.
Now, it's around that last point -- consequences for misbehavior -- that the spanking debate enters. Certainly, many of us can say our parents spanked us and we turned out just fine. And, in the context of a warm, loving parent-child relationship, a light swat on the bottom to drive home a point probably will do no serious harm. However, there are several compelling reasons that more and more people are seeking alternatives to physical punishment.
· Spanking is not a very effective way of instilling in children the value or behavior you are trying to teach. Although a spanking may stop bad behavior in the short run, it primarily teaches children not to get caught rather than helping them internalize the rule or value behind the discipline. Nearly all parents would say they want their child to behave well whether or not there is an adult around to catch them, but spanking is not the best way to achieve that goal. With very young children, they often don't even fully understand why they are being hit; they may remember the spanking, but not the lesson being taught.
· It's easy for spanking to spin out of control. As parents, most of us at some time have felt nearly overwhelmed with anger toward our children. Even with the intent of giving a "light spanking," it's easy to go overboard. This undermines the important bond of love and trust that is central to strong, enduring parent-child relationships. How much more powerful to stay focused on the lesson we are trying to teach our child, giving them a firm but calm message and imposing a consequence that matches their behavior (for example time out or loss of a privilege).
· Spanking sends two very negative messages that are contrary to what most parents want to teach their children: 1) that hitting is a way to solve problems; and 2) that it's OK for a powerful person to use physical force on a less powerful person. Most parents today try to teach their child to "use words, not fists" to express their feelings and resolve conflicts. Hitting our children contradicts the very message we're trying to send.
Children learn from what they observe and experience, and this begins in the home in the earliest months and years of a child's life. Especially in a world filled with images of hurtful, violent behavior, many experts and parents are more committed than ever to peaceful parenting that balances love and limits within a value system that says hitting or hurting another person is never OK.
(Note: for more information about alternatives to physical punishment, check out the "Positive Parenting" curriculum and videotapes available through University of Minnesota Extension Service, (612) 625-8173, order@extension.umn.edu, or fax (612) 625-6281.)
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Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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