Effective Discipline
Six-year-old Jamie and five-year-old Robert are at it again. In spite of repeated warnings from their mother, Alice, the brothers continue to squabble at the dinner table. When the two manage to knock over a glass of milk, Alice has had enough. "That's it," she yells. "You are bad boys and don't deserve any supper. Go to your rooms any stay there. Maybe that will teach you a lesson."During an evening of hunger and isolation, Alice's sons probably won't spend much time thinking about how to improve their behavior at family meals. More than likely, they'll be too busy feeling angry, humiliated and powerless. The one lesson they are apt to learn is that if they oppose the wishes of individuals in authority, they will be made to suffer.
Most parents would likely agree that the reason they punish their children is to promote good behavior. However, the fact is that, all too often, the outcome is not better-behaved children. Rather, the result is children who feel unworthy and unloved.
Punishment is a breeding ground for anger, conflict, submission and fear. It undermines the parent-child relationship. It also teaches children that the safest route is compliance, a disastrous outcome if the goal is to raise children able to stand up to bullying and abuse.
A far better alternative to punishment is positive discipline. Positive discipline is a process, which helps children grow into healthy, happy and responsible adults. With positive discipline, a parent shows a child what he has done wrong while leaving his dignity intact. Positive discipline also enables a child to feel she has power and control in her own life.
When 13-year-old Mark told his father, Ray, that he would like to go to a movie with his friends on Saturday afternoon, the boy got permission on the condition that his weekend chores were completed. Saturday came and as Mark was getting ready to leave, Ray noticed that his son had not done the work. "I'm sorry Mark," he said. "But you are going to have to miss the movie. Our agreement was that the chores would be done before you joined your friends."
Although Mark begged his dad to change his mind, Ray did not give in. A firm believer in effective discipline, Ray understands that by allowing Mark to live with the consequences of his own choices, he is helping his son develop into a healthy, happy and responsible adult.
The foundation of effective discipline is a parent-child relationship based on love, trust and mutual respect. Effective discipline also involves taking into consideration the age and temperament of individual children. It's simply irrational to discipline a toddler or a hyperactive seven-year-old for impulsive behavior.
Working from this basis, parents can begin to actively promote effective discipline by first creating a home in which good behavior can flourish. That means that mothers and fathers must be, first and foremost, consistent. What is said today must be followed through on tomorrow. Parents can also establish a positive environment in which children have the opportunity to learn common goals, rules and expectations.
One of the most important aspects of effective discipline involves letting children experience the natural and logical consequences of their actions. That means Jean lets three-year-old Mary find out for herself that the result of going out without mittens is cold hands. It also means that Gillian stops nagging 10-year-old Richie to get up in the morning. Instead, she buys him an alarm clock and tells him he is responsible for getting himself to school on time.
Remember, the goal of effective discipline is not to punish children. Nor is it to make them obey. Rather, it's to inspire kids to think and act responsibly. That's something Ray fully expects Mark to get the hang of -- maybe even in time for next Saturday's matinee.
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