Stealing
GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.Question:
We were visiting my cousin's family in another city over the weekend, and when we got home we discovered that our five-year-old son had brought home a toy that belongs to their child. Their child has more toys than any kid I've ever seen, so he probably won't even miss it. But should we discipline our son anyway and, if so, how? I'm not sure he even has a concept of stealing at this young age.
Never mind that your cousin's son has so many toys or that the toy won't be missed; it's the principle that matters. This is an important teachable moment in your child's life, and there are several steps in driving that lesson home.
*First, tell your son clearly and firmly that it is never okay to take something that does not belong to him. It doesn't matter how small the item is or how many possessions the other person has. This is stealing, plain and simple.
*Second, engage your son in thinking about how he would feel if someone took something that belonged to him. At age five, children can begin to develop perspective-taking--thinking about the impact of their actions on others. One way to help a child do this is to have him imagine himself on the receiving end of the hurtful act.
*Next, let your son know that he must apologize to your cousin's child. Since your cousin and his family live in another city, phone them and have your son explain to the other child and/or the parent what he did, followed by an apology. (It sometimes helps to role-play the phone call with your child first so that he knows what to say.)
*Finally, mail the toy back to the other child and, if possible, deduct the amount of postage from your son's allowance or money in his piggybank.
When you follow through with these steps, there's no need for anger or shaming. Just be firm, clear and matter-of-fact: Stealing is wrong, and this is what happens when you choose to take something that doesn't belong to you. By the way, the four steps I suggest for dealing with stealing can be applied in many different situations that call for discipline: 1) state the rule or principle you are teaching; 2) focus on the feelings of the person who has been harmed; 3) apologize; and 4) make restitution. It is those small lessons that, over time, add up to life's big lessons about values and character.
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Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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