The Power of Perseverance

Can you will yourself to adopt? Over the last 17 years I've come to believe that with faith and perseverance you can. Let me share a real story of one such couple.

Their names were Claude and Harriet and they were monthly attendees in my support group. Claude and Harriet didn't possess many physical qualities that would encourage a birth mother to want to speak to them. Most of the time, birth parents are introduced to prospective adoptive parents by their profiles and profiles are nothing more than pictures of the adoptive parents and a letter that tells the birth parents who the adoptive parents are and why they want to adopt.

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Now, Claude and Harriet didn't have an interesting life and their outward appearance was less than attractive. Harriet's teeth were badly in need of dental work and she kept her hair long even though it was frizzy and starting to gray. Claude's fashion sense was less than perfect; most of the time he wore high water polyester knit pants with a worn cinched-in belt. Together, they did appear an odd couple and were, at least as far as I was concerned, one of the homeliest couples I had ever had in a meeting. I had a hard time believing they would ever be picked by a birth mother.

But, Claude and Harriet were loyal and trustworthy. They were always willing to help out at the meetings. They often stayed late to help with chairs and cleaning up. During these times they would pick my brain and ask me what they could do to get a birth mother to choose them. After almost nine months of giving them every tip and suggestion I knew about locating a birth mother and gentle nudges to maybe try some new looks in their photos, I finally realized that they would never change and that consequently, the chance of their adopting would remain quite small.

After all this time, Claude and Harriet were the only remaining couple that continued attending meetings that didn't have a child. Month after month couples and babies would come and go and I would watch sadly as Harriet held the babies to her chest tenderly, wondering why one wasn't hers. I could see the longing in her eyes, the loneliness and need for fulfillment. As time moved on, they continued to be faithful to the support meetings and never gave up, even as I did. One evening, Claude looked up at me and said, "We're going to adopt this year if it's the last thing we do." I thought to myself, it will be the last thing you do if you don't make some changes.

Organization was one area Claude and Harriet had the greatest difficulty. They had trouble keeping their home organized and the photos in their profiles showed it. Time and again we struggled with their profile, attempting to bring out the best in them. Their photos were poorly done and even though they did have good qualities - the profile was hard-pressed to show it. As a couple, they were loyal, loved children and were close to both their families and all Claude and Harriet wanted to do in this world was adopt a child of their own. But, no matter how hard we tried to make the profile show it, it was next to impossible. You cannot take an ugly duckling and turn it into a swan when it isn't one already and a birth parent's first connection with an adoptive couple is through their pictures.

During the year Claude and Harriet received numerous phone calls from birth mothers but either one or the other of them would scare the birth mother off. However, they never grew discouraged and never lost hope. They kept sending out their profiles and doing whatever they could to find a birth mother. Finally, one day, I received a call from a birth grandmother that could have been Harriet's sister. They sounded the same and even had the same interests and likes. Stunned, I found it unbelievable. Could it be true? Another person like Harriet?

Within the hour, Harriet called her back and discovered a perfect match. The child was already born and the birth family all agreed that this childless couple, Claude and Harriet, seemed like family to them. I prayed it would work. When both families met, I held my breath. It was unbelievable. The birth parents still wanted them to adopt the little girl and I finally saw the fulfillment I'd often seen missing in Harriet's eyes alive and shining. It was a blessing I'll never forget.

This incident opened my eyes to the power of determination and over the years I have seen this persistence pay off. This is a never give up attitude that works for a number of my adoptive parents. I have had other homely prospective adoptive parents since then and I can honestly say that all people have qualities other people will find attractive as long as we are determined and to find them.

The secret is if you have a good life you can offer a child, and are determined, and have that special attitude, I know you will adopt. It certainly worked for this couple and personally, I never gave up and it worked for me to.

Mardie Caldwell COAP is the Founder of Lifetime Adoption Facilitation Center www.LifetimeAdoption.com Radio Talk Show Host - Lets Talk Adoption, Author of AdoptingOnline.com -Your Internet Adoption Resource Guide and numerous articles on adoption, parenting and financing. She is an adoptive mother, married with 4 children.

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name: Louann Carroll
phone: 530.265.4915
credit: Mardie Caldwell
link: www.lifetimeadoption.com
email_address: louann@lifetimeadoption.com