Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Today, it is the fashion to put labels on every child with problems. We have kids that are labeled ADD, ADHD, RAD, and hyperactive. We say the teen is delinquent, hasn't bonded, or is considered at risk. Some children are said to be autistic, challenged, learning disabled, or suffering from separation anxiety. Every child has a label; every condition, disease, disorder, or problem has been labeled to death.

With all these labels, we fail to really see the children. The problem is masked in acronyms, and the answer to their behaviors is not found because it isn't searched for. It is not searched for because there is no reason to try and solve the problem since the label explains it all. Every behavior is dismissed as part of this person's assessed problem. That is to blame never the child.

If they don't listen it is because they are ADD. If they refuse to obey it must be because they are RAD. This way of determining problems seems to get kids little discipline when they could benefit from it and too many meds to keep them inactive enough for a parent to manage them easily.

Before we were advanced enough to know anything and had no labels, we still had kids. These children were normal children who sometimes did not listen. They had some learning disabilities and were give some special education classes. End of story. Now, many specialists from all different areas get a crack at pinning the label on the child. Like the children's party game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, many of the players fall short of the mark. When someone is close, he is declared the winner and gets to actually pin that label on the child.

This label sets in motion all the other events that follow in that child's life. He will be expected to perform differently from other kids in home and school. When he performs the way they expect, the label becomes almost a badge. See I told you there was something wrong with this kid. He needs meds since no one will expect us to handle such a tough child without help. If he doesn't quite meet the expectations and fit one label, another is soon found for him. Again, there are medications available that will straighten him out, quiet him down, or just put him in a vegetative state that keeps him from being trouble. This is just one way labels are used.

What about the teen that is labeled a delinquent? He could be scarred for life. This might be how he begins to think of himself. Now, he accepts the fact that he is no good and so do all around him. Pretty soon, it is just self-fulfilling prophecy. The teen that believes she is boy crazy since that is the label her folks pin on her will prove her parents right.

The kids who are put into classes for 'dumb kids', the ones who ride the 'short bus' are soon labeled, separated, excluded, and doomed. Labels do a lot of harm. Do we need them?

How did parents raise kids before labels? They raised every child as though he was normal and without any disabilities. They treated them like all the rest of the kids and only gave them special treatment when it became apparent they needed it. We didn't hang out over the fence to discuss the shortcomings of our children and then quickly throw some letters at them as an explanation for why the problem existed. We worked with these kids as much as possible to help them gain the normalcy they desired. Parents did not air their children's problems like the quilts.

I do understand that some children benefit from medication and others actually are suffering from disorders, diseases and disabilities. But I refuse to believe that every child wearing a label deserves it and every kid on meds needs them. Are there no children left that are just a little slow? Don't kids just act up for any apparent reason occasionally? Is it not possible that your teen is magnificent at deceit and role-playing and is just making a fool of all of you? I had foster kids, depending on their whim, who were very adept at passing or flunking a whole barrage of tests given by therapists. They could convince someone they were promiscuous when they had never had sex, they were suicidal, when they had no intention of hurting themselves, and they were drunk when they were sober. Physical and other tests might have disproved them, but not just observation. If they can do all these things, why could they not take advantage of the label they were conveniently handed? Kids are very smart.

We make it much easier for these kids when we excuse behavior because of their 'problem.' Until we are certain this child has a real condition we should treat them like every other child. We need to get second opinions, refuse meds until other avenues are investigated, and seek out other options to sticking these kids with labels.

Kids are kids first. There is no greater honor in having kids labeled with something, than those who are supposed to be average, normal children. They are all challenging, label or not. They have all got needs, wants, dreams, desires, and problems. No child is perfect and every child is wonderful. Whether you are told they have a certain disorder or not, help them to feel like just one of the gang. Expect the same from them as the other kids until it is proven that is not possible. Never separate, or segregate them because they re different. They are more the same as you're so called 'normal' kids than you realize.

As foster parents, many children will come into your home. Some if not all will be labeled. Question and challenge those labels until you feel confidant that the child behaves in ways characteristic of that name. Do not allow anyone to overmedicate children for parent's peace of mind or a doctor's lack of certainty. Try to instinctually work with the problems that child has until it is apparent that the label fits. Then don't use it or even think about it, just care for that child in the prescribed ways.

This is just another challenge set before a foster parent. Instead of embracing these labels, fight them and all they imply until a child proves to be correctly diagnosed.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel