Expect Weird Responses from Foster Kids toward the Holidays
We expect holidays filled with joy and fun. Our wish is to share Christmas the way it should be with our foster kids. All we want is to feel good about being able to include kids who need the holiday spirit more than anyone. So, what is wrong? Why do these kids look like you've asked them to swallow poison rather than share the sumptuous feast? Why do they look at your gifts to them with disdain? Why do they pull away as you try to bring them closer into you family fold?The reasons are simple. Number one is the guilt they feel. No doubt, your family celebrates the holidays in ways that are unfamiliar from the usually dysfunctional families most of our kids come from. If your foster kids find your ways of preparing for the holidays appealing, they will feel guilty because it tends to make them look down upon their birth families' celebration.
They may have an actual reason to think badly of their own celebrations as they may have been filled with bad memories. Your foster kid's holidays may have meant out- of- control drinking which led to crisis. This drinking might have been the precursor to arguments and fights, real violence and abuse, possibly sexual abuse. It may have been so stressful that bad language and worse behaviors became associated with what should have been a joyful time of year.
Your foster kids may believe that this is the time when your real feelings for them will be obvious. They could think they might not get any gifts since you don't have to do that. They may feel natural kids in your house will always get much more than they do. This will show your real feelings for them and that no matter what you say they are not just like your own children. In my house this was not the case, my natural kids got less than they should receive so everyone could be equal.
Some of your foster kids will feel a division in their feelings that they cannot manage. They know they should share the holiday with their natural parents, but may also wish to be with you. They feel like they are disloyal to their own parents and this causes a problem for them. When a child feels divided, he cannot be happy. We always gave them the option to do either or both. They could spend the holidays with our family or theirs. Some loved having an extra dinner, more gifts etc, but for those who had started to connect this was a heart wrenching decision.
This may also be an uncomfortable time for foster kids since families get more emotional and tend to reveal their warm feelings about each other at this time. The closeness you share with your own children and family members points out the lack of good relationships in the foster kid's natural family. When you are hugging or kissing or just being close offer to share with foster kids in a subtle way, Such as, "hey, there's still room" when you are doing a group family hug. Invite, but do not initiate this until it is certain a child wants it even though you know they need it. I very seldom broke this rule since you never know for sure what a child's past was like and closeness may have very bad connotations for them.
The last thing that may unsettle kids is the fact that a great deal of the celebration focuses on religion and your own beliefs. They may not have come far enough to believe as you do and might feel forced to share these ideas. Leave this area open. I believe it is fine to share your views, but never force them upon kids. If you show by example, your ideas, your religious beliefs will be more evident than when you sit down with the intention of convincing them. Our kids saw us pray for help and guidance, protection, and each other. They saw what we believed without us preaching to them.
Always keep in mind where your kids came from, the types of families they grew up in and the homes they lived in. Put yourself in their place and try to understand that your entire world may be different from theirs. Include them, but understand if they pull away. Keep trying to let them be part of the celebration. In any way you can, make them feel that they are part of your family and meant to share the holidays. There is nothing like signing your Christmas cards and including their names so that the person receiving it knows, the card is from 'your entire family.' If they see a stocking hanging just for them, a name tag with their very own name on the table and presents under the tree for them, it will help them feel they belong there.
It is especially hard for kids who cannot go home for the holidays or have nowhere to go home to. You need to help them feel they are part of your family most of all. So go the extra mile to make kids feel they belong at this time of year. Ignore their foul tempers and distant attitudes. They may be just really hurting inside and need you more than anything to think well of them.
Get them started as early as possible including them in every step of the preparations. Show them the excitement of the holidays, but be patient when their reactions are not what you expect. Inside, they may be in turmoil about what to do and how to act. Just use the love you always give and they will come around. And thanks so much for all the extra care you put into fostering every day.
Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel
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