Moving On

Dealing With Doubt:

Once you've gone forward with the choice of adoption you may still experience doubt. In fact, it would be uncommon if you didn't. Many birthmothers talk of a sense of peace they experience once their choice has been made. This peace comes as a relief, feeling that you've finally made a choice and can now go forward. This doesn't mean that you will never wonder if you've made the best choice.

The closer you get to the end of your pregnancy, you may feel more and more doubt. "Can I actually go through with this?" or, "Have I really chosen the best parents?" and even, "What if I change my mind?" These questions are normal so don't feel that something is wrong.

When doubt creaps up don't ignore it. Here are some situations from other birthmothers who dealt with doubt:

"Sometimes I would panic. I mean, really panic. Fortunantly I had a great councelor at my agency and I could call her at home. She would ask me what I was feeling and she'd write it all down. Of course, I didn't know she was writing it at the time. Then, at our next meeting at the agency she would pull out the list and show it to me. Because I wasn't panicking during our meetings I could really sit down and think about what I had said and what I was feeling; rationally. By the time I relinquished, I'd learned so much about myself that I felt really confidant about my choice."

"My biggest fear was that I would change my mind at the hospital. I adored the adoptive parents I'd chosen and the agency was so great that I was so afraid to disappoint or hurt anyone. I was so afraid of this happening that finally I just called the adoptive mother and told her about it. She told me that that was one of her fears too and that she was glad that she wasn't alone. We talked more about it and by the time I got off the phone I felt assured that even if I did change my mind, it wouldn't be a shock to her and she had even told me, "It's a reality all of us may have to face, but now that we've talked about it, we're prepared for it and no matter what happens ... I am grateful for you." We even decided that they wouldn't be in the delivery room when my baby was born so that I could bond with her alone and really be sure that I was ready to bring them in. Knowing that we were honest with eachother and that they respected my concerns and fears made me all the more sure about the choice I'd made."

"I have two really great friends that I trust. Whenever the "what if's" starting coming, I'd call them and the three of us would get together for a "what if session." I'd throw out my doubts and they'd throw in some more and we'd all just talk them through. By the time we were done with a session together I felt really great. Like a huge burden was lifted. I always had doubts, through the entire thing, but being able to talk about them and get feedback made me feel safe and not so overwhelmed."

Remember, doubt is a healthy emotion. When we doubt we are asking ourselves questions that really need answering. Allow yourself the time and energy to explore your doubts as best you can and you will experience a greater peace about your choice.

Relinquishment Process: With the incredibly important decisions you are faced with, both emotionally and personally, it is often overwhelming to even think about the legal relinquishement process. Even I must admit, I had no idea what I was signing as pen was put to hand I barely saw beyond the cascade of tears seemingly never ending. In fact, nearly seven years later I ached to know what my signature looked like across papers that I longed to read. Unfortunantly, I may never see what it was I signed.

The legal relinquishment process is as simple as painful, yet because we are consumed with so much else, we trust the process to those in charge and believe we are being taken care of. What nearly every birthmother I know, including myself, wishes upon after the fact is that we knew more about what we did. Knowing more doesn't necessarily change the process, yet having the knowledge would bring with it a peace.

Consider the men who signed the Decleration of Independence. Do you think for a moment that they didn't know, word for word, what they signed? Every important document throughout history is memorized in the hearts and minds of those who created and signed them. So should it be with us. Knowing the process, knowing what you sign, will help you to feel empowered as you go forward. The more informed you are, the greater chance you will have of feeling secure in your choice.

There are two very important things that transpire after you've given birth. The first is the "Petition for Adoption" paperwork you will be asked to sign. Normally you will be asked to sign this either in the hospital or within 3-15 days after delivery. This piece of paper is then sent to the clerk of court and it begins the adoption process. It is merely stating that you are petitioning to relinquish your child. Once this piece of paper is filed, a court date is set. This is when you will be required to attend a court hearing in which you will go on record agreeing to the relinquishement, and at that time your parental rights to your child will be severed. The amount of time varies, between when you sign the petition and when you arrive in court.

One of the greatest myths in the relinquishment process is the amount of time birthparents have in which to change their minds. Only in very rare cases can this actually occur. In most states, once you have been to court and signed the consent to adoption, it is nearly impossible to change your mind. Only if you were forced, under duress, or any part of the adoption was done illegally will the courts consider holding a hearing. This still does not mean they will find in your favor. The most important circumstance is the welfare of your child and what the court finds is best.

On average, based on each states guidelines, a birthmother has anywhere from 72 hours to 90 days to change her mind BEFORE the relinquishment hearing in which her parental rights are severed. Once the hearing has taken place it becomes an intricate legal process in which statistics show a birthmother is not likely to win. The majority of cases that the public is aware of in which the child was returned to his/her biological parent occurred when one biological parent was not legally given proper notification, or the adoption was finalized or facilitated without meeting state requirements.

Before signing anything be fully aware of this process. If you are not sure of your choice to relinquish, consider placing your child in Cradle Care or taking your baby home. And remember, always ask if you can have a copy of whatever you sign. Depending on which state and county you live in, you may be allowed to receive this.

The orginal birth certificate that you will be asked to fill out will be submitted to the county, regardless of if you choose to parent or relinquish. You need not amend that document. Give your baby the name you chose and fill out the paperwork to the best of your knowledge. Use your real and full last name, as well as the birthfather's unless that information is not available. This document will be priceless to your child in the future. Keep in mind though, the difficulty in attaining a copy of this certificate in the future. Only when your child is an adult and both you and he/she give consent to the court with agreeing permission will they release it. State regulations on this matter differ.

If you do choose to relinquish, a new birth certificate will be issued with the adoptive parents names and the name they have chosen for your baby. The original birth certificate, with your information on it, will then be sealed and classified. With open adoption becoming more widely used, one of the greatest myths is that when you and the adoptive parents agree to an open arrangement, the agreement is legally binding. In only six U.S states are these kinds of agreements acknowledged in a court of law, and even then the ruling factor is what is best for the child. Many adoption agencies are drawing up "Good Faith Contracts," which state the wishes of both parties and the agreements made. This contract is simply one of good faith. It is a reminder to all of you that you have agreed to certain things. It is not a legally classified document and will not be permissible in a court of law. Do not assume that because you've signed an agreement with the adoptive parents that you will have an enforceable contract in which to hold them to. To aid you in your learning process we've included a link to an article written by the National Adoption Clearinghouse titled, "A Quick Guide To Adoption Law." (http://www.adopting.org/AQuickGuidetoAdoptionLaw.html) Read it over thoroughly and if you have any concerns or questions feel free to print it out and take it to your agency and/or attorney.

Hospital Time:

You should begin preparing yourself for the time you will spend in the hospital as soon as you can. Giving birth is not an easy task and you want to have everything lined up before hand to make things go as smoothly as possible. Remember, you may not be able to think clearly during these few days, so it is also recommended that you make your family aware of your needs.

Here is a list of things to think about:

1.) Family and Friends: Who do I want with me during labor and delivery? What can I expect from them? How do they feel about my choice? Do those that I've asked to be with me all get along? If I choose not to ask certain people to be with me, will this cause turmoil, and if so, how can I address this? It is best to have only those friends and family who support you and will be with you only to care for your needs. Inviting friends to the hospital after the baby is born is great, as you'll need lots of support, but make sure you choose wisely.

I had gone to visit a young woman after her delivery who had chosen relinquishement and when I arrived her room was filled with friends who were ignorning her and talking about the party they'd attended the night before. I felt aweful for her. Make sure the people you do invite know about your choice and are prepared to just come visit you, bring your favorite foods, a good book, and to simply let you talk or cry if need be. Don't invite friends who are not informed and make sure they are aware that at this time, questions like, "Are you really going to do this?" are not appropriate.

Also, if you have family members who do not get along, don't feel badly about not inviting all of them. You will not have the time or the energy to dispel arguments or cater to everyone else's needs. If you have fueding aunts and uncles, or if your parents are divorced and don't get along, think seriously about who would be able to put their issues aside long enough to only support you. At the time of my relinquishement, both of my parents were with me. The day after delivery I was granted a meal for two in my room. This put me in a terrible dilemna. How could I choose just one parent? I chose my mother and couldn't even eat the meal because I'd felt so guilty about not choosing my father who had in fact been my labor coach. But again, because I wasn't thinking clearly and was very much dealing with grief and loss ... I just threw up my hands and chose.

2.) Hospital Staff: Do the labor and delivery staff know about my decision? How does the hospital I am delivering in handle relinquishements? Will I remain in the maternity ward or be taken to another section of the hospital to recover? Will I be able to keep my baby in my room?

It is important that you meet the labor and delivery nurses before delivery. Make an appointment with the maternity ward and schedule a visit. There is nothing wrong with your asking questions to the nurses. Take a list with you when you go with questions like, "If I choose to have the adoptive parents in the delivery room with me is that okay?" or, "If I want time alone with my baby in my room could you make sure everyone knows that?" and, "If I give you a list of people that I want with me, and those I want to visit, will you make sure that only those people get in?" Get a feel for how the nurses feel about your choice and remember that you can request certain nurses if they are working the shift during your stay. Ask them about special options like a meal for two or an extended stay. Make sure you know how they operate and if there is something that will cause you to be uncomfortable work it out before hand. The day I was to leave, I asked if I could see my son once more. The nurse looked at me strange and simply stated, "Oh, the lady from the agency already took him." I was devastated. So make sure you know the procedures the hospital has and that they are aware of your requests and concerns.

3.) Feeding Your Baby: Should I feed my baby? Would it be right to nurse him/her or should I bottle-feed? Do I have a right to do this or is this for the adoptive parents to do? What if I feed him/her and I all of a sudden change my mind about relinquishing? Many birthmothers don't know if they should feed their babies. Some fear that they will not be able to go through with their choice after doing so as it is a very intimate bonding process. Some birthmothers choose to nurse, others choose to bottle feed, and some choose not to feed their baby at all and allow the adoptive parents or the hospital staff to do so. This is a choice that really can't be made before hand. As you hold your baby you will sense what your needs are and know in your heart what you wish to do. Just make sure that everyone with you is aware that this is something you may or may not want to do and feel free to tell them, "Please do not feed the baby until I've made my decision." Of course, in this case, you can't wait too long too decide! I chose to bottle feed my son in the hospital and I am grateful that I made that choice for myself. That initial time we were able to spend together is a lasting memory I treasure. I used that time to count his fingers and toes and to talk to him. It was very intimate.

4.) Leaving the Hospital: Do I get to carry my baby out with me? What if the adoptive parents want to do that? Who should leave first, me or my baby? What will if feel like leaving with him/her?

Nearly every single birthmother I know, including myself, either regrets leaving the hospital empty handed or is grateful for walking out of the hospital carrying her baby. There is something very significant about leaving the hospital with empty arms. I cannot think of a single birthmother who would recommend leaving without your baby. For me, it is a memory that continues to haunt me to this day. You go in with a baby ... but you leave alone. It is a very hollow feeling that does not have to happen to you. Although your baby will not be going home with you, seriously consider being the one your baby actually exits the hospital with. Dress your baby in an outfit you've chosen yourself. Your baby will be wrapped up in a blanket and placed into your arms. You will be asked to sit in a wheelchair and someone you love, or a nurse, will push you. Take that time to really honor your motherhood. Be proud of yourself as you are pushed through the hospital. You deserve the adoring looks from passersby as they ooohhh and awe over the little newborn in your arms. The adoptive parents will have a lifetime to experience moments such as that ... take this one for yourself. Talk with the adoptive parents about your wishes to exit the hospital with your baby. Explain to them that leaving empty handed would be far too painful. Ask them to join you as you exit, but to understand your need to be holding your baby. Once you arrive outside the hospital, then you can lovingly place your baby into the arms of his/her adoptive parents.

5.) Mementos: Because you will be very emotional and have larger things on your mind, I recommend that you ask before hand that someone you trust makes sure to record the events and to gather precious mementos. You may want to have the delivery video taped, or perhaps you'd like pictures of it all. Ask someone you love and trust to take care of this for you. Remember, you can take the i.d. bracelets and the "It's a Girl," or, "It's a Boy," name card that is slipped into the bassinet to identify your baby. Again, I suggest that you give someone these duties before you deliver so that you aren't worried about it yourself.

Cradle Care: What is Cradle Care? How do I know if I should ask for it? Who provides it? Can I still see my baby? How long can my baby stay in Cradle Care?

Most adoption agencies have families on a list that provide temporary care for your baby if you have yet to choose an adoptive family, or perhaps if you still need time to make your decision. This is not foster care nor is it permanent placement. This is a loving situation that is provided for you and your baby while choices are being made that will ensure the best outcome.

Some birthmothers choose cradle care if they feel that bringing their baby home while they decide isn't best for them. Talk with your adoption agency about Cradle Care and whether or not it is offered and if so, what family would provide it. In most cases your baby can stay in Cradle Care for up to six weeks and you will be allowed visitations during that time.

My son went into Cradle Care after I delivered because I had yet to choose the adoptive parents. He remained there for three weeks and I visited him at a local church several times and also was able to take him, the caseworker, and the cradle care mother with me to another city so that my grandparents could visit him as well. The cradle care parents were so wonderful that I had even asked them if they would consider adoption. It was a great experience for me because it gave me the opportunity to take my time while still being able to see my son.

Birthfather Issues: Sometimes when an expecting woman makes the choice for adoption, the biological father does not agree. It's difficult enough to make this choice for yourself, as a mother, but even harder when you and the father are not in agreement. Whether or not you are in a long term relationship with him, the two of you both must receive adequent counceling and awareness.

Some biological fathers resent the idea of counceling. If this is the case I suggest that you don't use that word. Simply explain that because you are considering the choice of adoption, legally he too must be informed of his rights and the issues involved. Let him know that he is not bound to relinquish by meeting with the agency, but only that they request speaking with him as he has the same rights to the baby as you do.

Birthfathers most often just need to know that they are included. And often, that they have some say in the matter. Which they do, but because we as the parent carrying the child are dealing with much more emotionally and physically we tend to leave them out. Reassure the birthfather that his concerns are important and that you would appreciate him supporting your need to research all the options.

If you are in a situation where the birthfather is not present, the issue then becomes making sure that the agency does everything legally to make him aware of your choice. You don't want to find yourself in a situation where you've chosen adoption and are going through with it and out of the blue he comes wondering what's going on. Make sure you're honest with the agency about your situation.

Helping Your Family Help You: You've decided on adoption and now are faced with the new journey of preparing yourself for it. What you may not be aware of at this point is that your family will also need preparation. Often times we make the mistake of assuming our families know our needs and have the tools and the abilities to meet them. But, just like us, they are experiencing emotions and circumstances that prove challenging and will also be struggling to make choices and attempt to deal with this. Your family may re-act based on how they assume you are feeling. My mother said this to me years after relinquishment when I asked her why she never talked to me about it, "Courtney ... you never acted like you wanted to. I didn't want you to think I was pressuring you, and I really just didn't know what you needed."

Here are some tips to use in order to open up communication with your family and to help them feel involved:

1.) Ask them to go with you to your doctor appointments.

2.) Invite them to the adoption agency with you, or even ask your councelor to set up sessions just for them without you so that they can discuss their issues without feeling afraid of hurting your feelings.

3.) Give your parents a journal and ask them to record their feelings and thoughts about their grandchild. Explain to them that you'd like to give the journal to your baby's adoptive parents as a keepsake for when your baby is older.

4.) Remind your parents that you need them. Buy a blank card and tell them you're grateful for them during this time and that you appreciate their love and guidance.

5.) When you feel upset, depressed, angry, or are needing to be alone, don't simply shut them out by locking yourself in your room. Let them know that you're feeling overwhelmed and need some time alone. The more often they are told by you what you are feeling the more secure they will be in how to support you.

6.) Don't hold it in. Perhaps you're sitting down for dinner and all of a sudden you need to cry. Go ahead. But accept their arms of support and give them the opportunity to soothe you through it. They may say things that don't seem supportive, things that may trigger you into anger. You may want to say, "You just don't understand!" But remember, They Don't! So don't expect them too.

You may feel initially, based on your parents reaction to your pregnancy, that they care more about the situation you've put them in, than what you are going through yourself. As a mother to three children I can honestly tell you ... it's a normal reaction. One of the first things that will come to a parents mind in a situation like this is, "Where did I go wrong?"

My youngest daughter got in trouble at school for something pretty serious. My first reaction was humiliation. My second reaction was, "What kind of mother must I be?" And my third reaction was disbelief.

Your parents may go through these emotions themselves. Just as you went through shock, denial, fear, and worry ... so will they. Allow them this. Own up to your responsibility for what has happened, listen to what they have to say, and give them some time. Your family will better be able to help you if they feel informed, included, and appreciated. They will also be able to help you if they are also getting their needs met. Don't forget ~ They are relinquishing their grandchild. A loss like this should not go un-noticed.

How to Be Assertive: This is one of the toughest and most over-looked issues in preparing yourself for relinquishement. It is also a life-savor if you do it. Here's an example of what can happen when you are not assertive ...

I was so overwhelmed with the entire process that finally I just gave in and trusted the agency and what they thought was best. After hours of looking at prospective parents I just pointed to one I thought looked good and picked. I didn't ask the questions I really wanted to because I was worried that they weren't appropriate and when asked what I wanted I just said, "Please keep his name and if you could send me pictures and letters for five years that would be great, and maybe after five years we could talk about this again." They agreed. At the hospital I had no idea what papers I was signing and then when it came time to leave my baby had already been taken away. He was placed into cradle care and though I was able to see him a few times and take him to visit my grandparents, what I didn't know was that I could have seen him a lot more. I didn't ask for the visits, they just called me and had them set up. Once the relinquishment was final I only then realized I had unanswered questions, un-paid medical bills, no counseling, and the semi-openess I'd wanted was non-existent and there was nothing I could do to change any of it.

I had very little information and no preperation for what post-placement would really be like. Don't let this happen to you. Unfortunantly for those of us whom this has occurred, we initially feel like it shouldn't have been our responsibility to know everything and that the agencies should have created the best possible situations for us. If you go into your adoption process thinking this, stop. This is your decision, your choice, and ultimately this will be what you live with. Take responsibility for knowing everything you need to know and being prepared. No one knows you better than yourself. An agency can only do so much in order to meet your needs, and the more they know the better.

Here are some tips on how to be assertive:

1.) Question everything you are told. For example: "We want whatever you want." Your question, "Before I tell you the direction I'd like the adoption to go, would you mind telling me how you see the relationship?" Or, "All of your medical and counseling bills will be paid for." Your question, "Does that include prenatal visits, ultrasounds, stress tests, vitamins, post delivery check-ups, and who will be paying them? How long will I be able to receive counceling and by whom? Is there a limit to how much I can go or to whom I can go to?"

2.) When required to make decisions don't feel obligated to make them on the spot. Simply gather the information and say, "I need to take some time with this, can I come back in a week?" You should not be pressured to make any choices right away.

3.) If you are in a situation and feel insecure, overwhelmed, or simply stressed or tired, make sure you speak up. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I just can't really do this right now, I need a break."

4.) Don't take just anyone's word for it. Whatever you're being told, make sure you double-check it. That's what's great about birthmother.com ... there's always another birthmom you can run things by if something doesn't sound just right.

5.) When asked, "Do you have any other questions?" and at the moment you really can't think of any .. don't say, "No." The truth is, you will have questions when you leave and really begin to go over what was said. Instead say, "I am really just soaking all of this in right now, would it be possible for me to take a day and think about all of this and maybe we could go back over it later?" I met with my son's adoptive parents once before I handed him over. In that meeting I was asked that question. I said no. Because honestly, I was so hazed by the situation I couldn't think straight! Later on I had a thousand questions but because I felt like I no longer had the right to ask them ... I never did. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, if a question pops into your head, write it down. I recommend getting a little pocket book and keeping it with you all the time just for that.

6.) When asked, "Would that be okay?" or if told, "We're going to do this ..." or if you are faced with, "Now you must ..." Whether it's when you are choosing adoptive parents, in the hospital, during a visit with a couple, or during the finalization time; don't answer right away. Pause. Think about what they are asking of you or what they are telling you to do. Just wait a moment before agreeing to something that you may not fully understand.

7.) And finally ... never ever walk away feeling confused. Even if you're already to your car! Go back! Take a moment to breathe, walk back in and be honest, "You know, I know I already agreed to that one thing ... but I'm still feeling a little unsure about it."

What You Don't Want To Wish You'd Asked: This is a list of things I've gathered over the years from fellow birthmothers who regretted not asking certain things. As you go through the list if you find familiar things, write them down and make sure you ask them yourself.

1.) ... my parents if they would help me raise my baby.
2.) ... if there was help for me, and what kind, if I chose to parent.
3.) ... how adoptee's feel about being adopted.
4.) ... my daughter's adoptive parents on how they would talk about adoption to my daughter.
5.) ... what happens when an open adoption turns closed.
6.) ... if I could have spent more time with my baby in the hospital
7.) ... what semi-open really meant.
8.) ... how my son's adoptive parents' families felt about adoption.
9.) ... if the adoptive parents would leave my involvement up to my son for, "When he's ready to know we'll tell him."
10.) ... other birthmothers on how hard the grieving would be.
11.) ... the agency on who would be handling the correspondence between me and the adoptive parents, and how they would handle it.
12.) ... my councelor about helping my parents with their grief.
13.) ... how to respond to people who criticized me for doing what I did.
14.) ... what open, semi-open, and closed adoption really were in full definition and what was legally recognized by the state.
15.) ...about support groups and help as I started planning my future.
16.) ... what would happen if the adoptive parents starting having doubts about openness and who would help us through it.
17.) ... if I could meet other birthmoms to talk to before placement.

Recording Precious Memories:
(Following taken from "Adoption Decisions", "Making a Scrapbook for my Baby) Because this is more a preperation than a decision it would be more suitable under "Preparing Yourself For Adoption." It's a great idea to give your baby the gift of information about you, the birthfather and your extended families. Most adoptive children create their own fantasies about their birthparents, about why they were given up for adoption, about whether they were lovingly placed or callously abandoned. Instead of imagining things about his or her birthparents, your child will be able to look at your pictures and read your letters about your backgrounds, your pregnancy and why you made the decision to place your baby for adoption. Include as much personal information as you like, including: · Several pictures of yourself at various ages, as well as pictures of the birthfather (if you still have contact). Include a photo of yourself while you are pregnant, too.

· A letter to your child. Remember that the adoptive parents may read this to their child at a young age, so write accordingly. You wouldn't want to upset your child with upsetting information or too much anger toward the birthfather or others.
· A medical history for both your family and the birthfather's family, if possible.
· A list of special talents or interests for you, the birthfather and your families.
· A special poem or prayer.

The following I copied from "Adoption Decisions," section titled, "Keeping A Journal During Pregnancy" as this too is more of a preperation than a decision.

Writing in a journal can be a great way of releasing feelings and working through decisions, as well as keeping a record of a major event in your life. A journal that you keep through your pregnancy may one day be a wonderful gift to the child you are placing for adoption. Here are some things you may want to include:

· Use your journal to help you make the choice to parent your child alone or with the birthfather, or to place the baby for adoption. Putting your options in writing may help you explore the different viewpoints of each decision.

· Write about your dreams for your own life, including possible plans for your education and career.

· Include information about the birth father. You may still have a close relationship with him, or you may be separated from him at this time and are feeling deserted, sad or angry. Of course, you will want to write about these feelings in your journal. However, for the benefit of your child, who may someday read your words, try to express in your journal some of the birthfather's good traits and give any details about him, his childhood, and his family and their medical history that you know.

· Because your child may one day need medical information about you and your family also, include a family tree in your journal along with details of any illnesses or medical disorders of various family members.

· Your child will be curious about the kind of person you are and what you look like, so write down some of your favorite memories of childhood, and then include a few pictures of yourself and your family, plus a photograph of you when you are pregnant.

· In your journal you may also want to include your prayers, dreams and hopes for your child. Explain your decision to make an adoption plan and why you feel that this is the best decision for everyone.

· If you have selected the adoptive parents, write about your reasons for choosing this couple. Write about what you like about them and why you feel that they are the best parents to raise your child.

When You Say Goodbye:

Each adoption plan varies from the next but regardless of which type of adoption you've entered into, you should have ample opportunity to spend time with your baby before placing him/her into the arms of the adoptive parents. Different situations apply to different birthmothers, who at the time of placement choose varies ways in which to say goodbye. If you are placing into an open adoption, this is something that you should discuss with the adopting parents before hand. Here are some ideas for you:

1.) Consider not saying goodbye at the hospital. Because of the physical strain you've been under and the changes going on inside of your body, this time may not be the best. You will want to be rested and feeling better before you embark on such a life-lasting memory. Carrying your baby out of the hospital is recommended, and placing your baby into the arms of its new parents then is a start. But you may want to request one more meeting after that in order to say your final goodbye.

2.) Invite those closest to you to attend your final meeting with your baby. Most meetings like this will take place inside the agency or attorney's office. While you will have greater things on your mind, consider asking one of your family or friends to video tape this meeting. While this memory will be imprinted within you forever, it will be hazy for years to come as the emotional toll it takes will often repress itself. Having a video of these last moments will be a treasure for you when your recovery becomes difficult.

3.) Most birthmothers do not receive baby showers. Giving birth, for us and our families, does not "feel" like a celebration due to the sorrow of loss. However, the emotions you will be feeling should be honored and nurtured during this time. This is a time when you should be given loving attention and careful nurturing. To be able to express the feelings you will be going through will be a very important step towards your recovery and will also create precious memories for you to hold onto. There is no reason why you should not be given a baby shower. If you are entering into an open adoption this should be possible to do. Speak with your caseworker, your family, and the adopting parents. Let them know that you and those closest to your baby would like to hold a ceremony. Choose a time, even if it's at the agency, when your loved ones and friends can come and join you and your baby. Have each of them bring something special to give your baby, and also perhaps a special gift for you, to honor your birthmother-hood. Ask your mother or closest friend to handle the invitations and to inform those you'd like to attend about what the ceremony will be like. That while this is a time of mourning, it is also a time of celebrating the life of your child and the future you have so selflessly chosen to give him/her. Allow everyone to hold your baby, to read a letter or poetry, to give a special blessing, etc. At the end of the ceremony, take your baby into a separate room where the two of you can be alone. Spend as much time as you need saying your final goodbye. When it is over, leaving with your loved ones and the precious things they've given to you will make your last moments with your baby an eternal treasure.

4.) Some birthmothers and adoptive parents choose to hold Placement Ceremonies. Utilizing a Pastor, Priest, or someone they trust, they enter into a ceremony in which your baby is placed into the arms of his/her adoptive parents. Passed from your arms to theirs, while the mediator reads from the Bible, or whatever chosen material you have all agreed upon, your baby is ceremoniously placed. During this time all of you will be able to give blessings, read letters, or use this opportunity to share whatever you feel led to. Ceremonies such as this are wonderful as they give a sense of closure for both you and the adoptive parents. You will feel as though you've followed through with your decision and seen your baby into his/her new life with care and love.

5.) You may feel that being alone during this time, just your baby and you, is the best. Talk with the agency and the adoptive parents about this and ask if it would be possible to do. Perhaps you could play your favorite music, sing lullybye's, or even spend a few hours lying next to your baby on the floor simply whispering all your hopes and dreams. Whatever you choose to do during this most intimate time with your precious baby will encase the true meaning of the sacrifice you have chosen to make.

However you choose to say your last goodbye, remember some very important things:

~ It will be extremely emotional, and so it is wise to capture it on video or have someone taking pictures as you may not be able to recall the event yourself for some time.
~ This is your time. Make it very clear to everyone involved, including the agency facilitators, attorney, and adopting parents, that during this time your needs and wishes must be respected and honored.
~ Prepare yourself for this time by writing about it before hand. Put together a journal of your thoughts, how you feel about the time coming and those things you'd like to say and give to your baby. You will get one chance to do this, and even though your plans may not unfold exactly as you've written them, being prepared for the time will help immensely.
~ Allow yourself to express whatever emotions you are feeling at the time.
~ If you are considering not "formally" saying good-bye because you feel it may be too difficult, consider talking with your counselor or other birthmothers before making your final decision. Many birthmothers have said that after given the opportunity to say goodbye, they were able to fully grieve and begin to heal. Without having any kind of closure, it is difficult to experience the crucial emotions necessary to recover from loss.

Expectations: I once heard this quote, "The greatest things in life arrive un-expected." How true this is, especially in our case. Yet as new mothers, the kind of mothers we are, we experience an altruistic mind-set that overwhelms any prior thinking.

As I held him gently, I held him defensively. As if willing the last bit of strength I had right into his fragile bones. Could I give him all of me ... in thought, and pray it would emerge from within him all the days of his life?

I see in his eyes, the kind of mother he requires my being. Every painful expectation of mother-hood I have for myself rides in the reflection of my own face, through his brand new eyes. I see all of it, all that I would require of myself as his parent, and must force myself to not look away. For I know ... never could I meet my own expectations. So I grip onto him as tightly as possible and hope that he feels the ache within me. I pray that the spirit of my baby receives the truth of my intention. To give him what I am un-able to.

Passing his body, the life I've created, over into the arms of another mother, I pause to stare with such need into her eyes. With a need to know ... could it be that within her will live the expectations I have for myself as the mother I cannot be? I want to reach out and hold her as well, gently and yet defensively at the same time. Just as I held my son. I want to pass on my expectations so that she would know what I expect for my precious child. For how could I possibly surrender him, without believing he would receive all that I dared to hope for him?

As birthmothers, we place ourselves into an un-known world of faith. A world where only the mighty of heart are willing to go. It is a journey all its own, and we can only trust that our spirits know the way. For we cannot see what lies ahead, and we cannot pave the future of it. We must but honorably walk forward. We are, by relinquishing, surrendering to faith. And yes, many of us have an expectation that the faith we've fought to attain shall be honored and kept righteous.

When I relinquished my son, I sent with him my expectations. That every reason I surrendered would not be in vain, but that his life would emenate every wonderful hope I had for him. When I became a single teen-age mother, I had no expectation. It was a world completely different from the other I lived in.

In this world ... I was responsible for everything I knew nothing about. This world left me fearful and afraid. The moments of peace I had would energize me, renew within me the strength to go on. The only one thing similar between both worlds was the daily battle I lived to simply make it one more day.

In this world ... I knew my place and what the outcome would be. I knew that if I messed up today, tomorrow I could try harder. When I fell stressed, and tired, and desperate at night to sleep ... I could pull my infant towards me and take from her the encouragement to keep trying.

As a birthmother ~ I had only faith. Visions and dreams sustained me, those illusions I kept of my smiling, laughing son somewhere being nurtured and loved and encouraged. It is a world based solely on hope. A hope I will keep until the day to come when I must close the door to those hopes and expectations and face the truth that was his life for all those years. Perhaps it will go beyond my life-saving illusions and I will discover that in my dreams I limited him. Yet, I shall prepare myself to re-visit the eyes of expectation and whatever they will come to tell me.

As a mother I parent daily and have the power to make choices that will ensure the outcome of my children. Those choices often are the wrong choices, and yet still I am given a new day, a new year, to try harder and to do better. As a birthmother I have only one thing ... hope; that his other mother will have met the expectations I had for her. When we relinquish we cannot be asked to do so without expectation. We are making a choice based on what we want, hope, and desire for our children. This is why we so very carefully choose our children's parents. Because we have seen, somehow, through them the possibility of our expectations being met.

Yet as you prepare yourself for this journey, only give your expectations so much power. For one thing I have learned as a mother myself is that despite my love for my children ... I often fail miserably at raising them. As a birthmother so many of my expectations for the adoption have too failed. Every hope I had of contact, the dream I had of involvement, the expectation I clung to has been dismissed and I was left with the very core of my choice. To do what was best without expecting anything in return.

Ironically my expectations are the same now for both the son I relinquished and the children I raise. That one day, regardless of what mistakes I made or how their lives were lived as children and young adults... they will be proud of who they are, have fulfilling lives, and be free enough and courageous enough to live their dreams. And I, as birthmother and mother will be blessed enough to simply watch it.

I look into my children's eyes and see there the same look I gave my son's mother. A need, a hope, a desire to fulfill and be fulfilled. I struggle daily to meet the expectations my children have of me. Because of this I have lost the illusion that such a thing as perfect parents exist. I instead have decided that my best is what I can offer. No more, no less.

As you too make the same decision I have made, remember the worlds I have shared with you. Know that there are no perfect people, and even with the best of intentions mistakes are made. Remember that you have chosen from your heart, and placed with hope. Expectations are simply dreams. That which we hope will be true.
The only thing we can expect is that the unexpected always happens.

So as you make your choices and prepare yourself to live among them, do all you can to live honestly with yourself. It would be impossible not to have expectations, but know they are just that. Your greatest growth and joy will come when you have the ability to search for hope and promise in the unexpected.

Post Placement: There are many issues involved with post-placement and during this time you will begin to explore an entirely new journey. Please visit "Birthparents.org" to learn more and make sure you bookmark it for later.