Nothing Wrong with Moving On

Everyone agrees that this "search and reunion business" is emotional and, for better or for worse, necessary as each part of the triad handles the ups and downs of the journey. As an adoptee, I have spent plenty of time since my search and reunion pondering over the meaning of life as I now know it - sometimes feeling up, often feeling down, talking and listening to others who have gone through the same thing. As we know, there isn't one way to do things or a certain way to feel, but there is something all of us can do - and that is to move on with our lives.

I have heard so many adoptees talk about their angst and pin everything unsavory that has happened to them on being adopted. It is one thing to talk about this and acknowledge the negative in our lives, but it is another to hang onto it and let it control us. I am always surprised when my suggestion of letting go is met with glares, and I understand it is sometimes difficult to let go of what has become a comfortable feeling, even if it's not a healthy one.

I was interested to read in the PACER newsletter last summer that Nancy Verrier, author of The Primal Wound, was working on a new book about "personal responsibility and the unhealthy embrace of victimhood." I have seen lots of "victims" out there, who need to take charge of their life, of their emotions, and stop permanently embracing the pain that goes along with this journey of adoption. One does not have to be adopted to feel pain or know loss or feel abandoned, just as one does not have to be related by blood to feel connected to others.

It is all too easy to take antidepressants indefinitely, gain too much extra weight, or develop some unsavory habit because we were adopted. Too often, we lose touch with old friends, our family, our kids and spouses because we get so caught up in our pain and blaming our circumstances on our past.

It's okay to wallow in it for a while - but then move on. As a therapist friend of mine says, "it is just information." Look at it, then let it go. Acknowledging information can't hurt us, but hanging on to it can do all sorts of things to us over time.

In my birthmother's case, she can't tell her secret that she gave birth to and then relinquished me. I have siblings and relatives who will probably never know about me because of her difficulty in letting go of what happened 44 years ago. I feel great empathy for her and I wish she could let go - for her sake, not mine. As she now battles cancer, I can't help but believe that secrets can make us ill.

Life is a journey, no matter who you are. We can choose to let the knocks that come with life pin us down, or we can bounce back up and get on with things. It's not always easy, but it is necessary in order to really have control over ourselves. One of the main lessons my journey has taught me is that while we cannot control those around us, we can control ourselves and how we feel about things. We can choose to let the facts bother and depress us, or we can choose to learn from them and go on. After doing it both ways, acknowledging the past and then moving on has worked best for me - no matter how hard it seemed to do at the time or how comfortable it felt hanging on to that pain. And moving on does not mean forgetting.

How many of us can forget that we relinquished a child long ago, or were separated from our birth roots, or were not able to conceive a child? We do not need to forget in order to let go. But my identity does not need to be "I am Melissa and I am an adoptee." That is a part of my life experience, not the sum and total. As reunions go, mine was not that great - my birthfather wanted no further contact, and while my birthmother acknowledges me, she can't do so to the rest of her family. And that's okay.

It is the way it is for now, and I am going to move along - because life is too short to stay stuck. Instead of embracing the victim role, I believe we learn from our past and share our message of growth with others. We can look at all the important events in our lives, feel them, cry and laugh over them, and move on. Don't allow past pains to keep you from achieving what you deserve: peace of mind and happiness of heart. This is the least we can do for ourselves - and for those who love us.