The Greatest Gift: A Guide to Adoption

One wintry day in 1982, my wife and I received a phone call that changed our life. A local adoptive mother in our community had a cousin in the deep South who was an obstetrician. One of his patients was a teenage girl who was pregnant and planning to place her baby for adoption. Were we interested?

We had already experienced a year of infertility treatment. I had recently suffered through difficult surgery to try to correct an infertility problem, and my wife was undergoing heavy, hormone therapy. We were not yet ready to adopt. Nonetheless, these situations do not happen often, and it was hard to turn it down. We said yes.

The adoption required us to set up residency in a southern town for four months, until the adoption was finalized. My wife lived there while I flew back and forth between there and New York. Two weeks after his birth, we took the baby home to the apartment we had rented There was some risk involved because the birth mother had not yet signed all the necessary documents; all we had was her verbal agreement. A social worker came to our rented apartment to ascertain our fitness to adopt. Finally, we went to court, listened to a judge lecture us on the responsibilities of parenthood, and drove home with our firstborn son, Natan Yosef.

Natan's birth mother was not Jewish, so Jewish law required us to give him a bris and take him to the mikvah (Jewish ritual bath) for purposes of conversion. He had been circumcised at birth, so we had a symbolic circumcision at the mikvah. Afterwards we celebrated his arrival with a large kiddush for the entire congregation.

The local community was fascinated by the story of a Conservative rabbi who adopted a non-Jewish baby and converted him to Judaism. Several newspapers ran stories about us. And phone calls started coming in from Jewish couples struggling with issues of infertility and adoption. "How can we find a baby to adopt?" "May we adopt a baby from Korea and raise her as a Jew" "How much does it cost?" "What are the requirements for conversion?" Eventually I wrote And Hannah Wept to help these couples (Jewish Publication Society, 1988).

In answering these questions and guiding couples, my wife and I discovered that we were not alone. Infertility experts estimate that 15 percent of couples of childbearing age have an infertility problem (defined by the medical profession as the inability to conceive a child after one year of trying). Based on my own professional experiences, my impression is that the percentage of Jewish infertile couples is somewhat higher, perhaps 20 percent. The reason is that Jews tend to marry later and put off having children longer than the general population, as more and more Jewish women pursue higher education and professional careers (although this pattern does not hold true in the very observant community). The fertility of a woman in her mid-30s is far lower than in her early 20s.

Many couples have been helped by medical intervention, including such reproductive techniques as in-vitro fertilization. Nonetheless, for a large number of Jewish couples, adoption is the only way to build a family. According to the Council of Jewish Federation's 1990 National Jewish Population Survey, there are f 0,000 Jewish adopted children under age 18. Adoption is changing the face of the Jewish people.

Unfortunately, the number of couples seeking to adopt has risen just as the number of available babies has fallen as a result of the high rate of abortion and the social acceptability of single motherhood. More couples chasing fewer babies is the cause of considerable heartache and even fraud. Some couples become involved in risky and illegal black market adoptions. Others simply give up, assuming that adoption is too expensive or too difficult.

In fact, of the hundreds of Jewish couples seeking to adopt whom I have counseled, most have succeeded, often within a year. Adoption is doable, given persistence and the right attitude. But today, no agency is going to hand a couple a newborn baby simply because they want one. But those couples who carefully research their options, are aggressive and willing to network, and have both the financial and emotional resources to pursue adoption will succeed.

At the outset, I tell couples to consider carefully several questions: Are you sufficiently mature and is your marriage sufficiently strong to accept the emotional roller coaster that is contemporary adoption? Can you love a child with whom you share no genetic background as your own? Are you prepared to have a social worker scrutinize every aspect of your life during the home study (finances, marital status, physical and mental health, child-rearing philosophy)? Would your consider adopting an older child with special needs, a child of another race, or a foreign-born child? Have you shared your desire to adopt with your parents and other family members? (Adoptive grandparents need time to prepare for adoption too.) Finally, have you come to terms with your infertility so that you can appreciate adoption as a wonderful experience in its own right, and not merely settling for second best?

When I meet with a couple considering adoption, I always make sure the husband and wife have both agreed. Sometimes a wife comes to see me to begin the adoption process. When I ask about her husband, she replies, "Don't worry, rabbi. He'll come around." In one particularly sad case, as one couple's adoptive baby was about to be born, the husband left his wife and moved in with a girlfriend, who immediately became pregnant. The husband needed to prove his own fertility; he was not ready to accept "someone else's child." His wife then had to cope with a double loss-her marriage fell apart, and her adoption never took place.

Couples often ask me about the cost of adoption. There is no simple answer; it depends on the state, on whether they pursue a domestic agency adoption, an independent adoption, or an international adoption. No state permits a birth mother to sell her baby. Some states permit basic medical and legal expenses to be paid by the adopting party. (Pennsylvania, where I used to live, construed counseling for the birth mother and even maternity clothes to be illegitimate expenses.) Other states permit an adoptive couple to support a birth mother during her pregnancy. (In Florida, where I now live, adoptive parents often pay for housing, food and clothing, as well as medical expenses and counseling.) The truth is, the laws are complicated and vary from state to state; a couple needs a good agency or a knowledgeable attorney to interpret myriad state and local regulations. As a general rule, I have told couples that the adoption of a healthy white newborn born in America costs between $15,000 and $20,000. A couple unable to afford this substantial sum can sometimes adopt more inexpensively if they find a birth mother with health insurance, if they adopt through a state agency, or if they first become foster parents.

Finally, a couple needs to decide what kind of adoption to pursue. Unfortunately, there are few Jewish agencies, and most have geographic restrictions. Rarely are non-Jewish agencies willing to help Jewish couples seeking a newborn. Christian agencies, because of their anti-abortion stand, have been quite successful at urging a woman with an unplanned pregnancy to consider an adoption plan. But such agencies will rarely help Jewish couples. Most agencies only serve a local community, and many have restrictions regarding age, marital status, income, religion, physical health, or previous adoptions. Couples should call their local Resolve chapter (an infertility support group) to find what agencies might meet their needs.

My wife and I pursued our adoptions independent of an agency, an approach that is legal in all states except Connecticut and Massachusetts. Independent adoption requires a couple to link up directly with a birth mother through an intermediary such as an attorney or a physician, or sometimes directly through advertising (not legal in every state).

Without an agency to oversee the process, independent adoption is far riskier, with more opportunities for fraud. On the other hand, it is also far quicker and gives the adoptive parents more control.

Unfortunately, there have been a few well-publicized cases, such as baby Jessica in Michigan and baby Richard in Illinois, where adoptive parents were forced by the courts to return an adopted child to birth parents. Although rare, these cases have scared many couples away from pursuing a domestic adoption.

David and Marian, who live in the suburbs of New York, wanted nothing to do with domestic adoption. They found an agency that handled newborns in Colombia, South America, flew down, and were met by agency personnel who allowed them to see their baby son in a Colombia orphanage. They were concerned about anti-Senitism in this Catholic country but had no problems. A local pediatrician checked out the baby before they went to court and finalized the adoption. After they arrived home, they began the paperwork with the United States Immigration and Naturalization Services office to register their son as a U.S. citizen. Two years later they were able to adopt a second son through the same agency in Colombia.

Many see foreign adoption as a panacea for Jewish couples seeking children. There are numerous agencies and independent consultants who handle such adoptions. Contact the National Council for Adoption in Washington, D.C., to obtain a list of legitimate agencies handling foreign adoptions. Unfortunately, dealing with the bureaucracy of a foreign country and trying to understand a different culture can make international adoption difficult. For years Korea allowed Americans to adopt, but recently closed its borders. In Romania, where many children languish in orphanages, a sick child is often substituted for a healthy one. Today, many Jewish couples are turning to Russia and China as a source for children.

Many Jewish couples are adopting children-both domestically and internationally-of different races and cultures. Phyllis Nissen, who was raising a Jewish child adopted in Korea, founded Stars of David, a support group for Jewish adoptive families, in the mid-1980s. She was searching for other families facing the issue of raising a Jew born in a different culture. Today at a Stars of David meeting, one will see children who are white, black, Hispanic, Native American, Indian, Asian, and every other ethnic group in the world, all being raised as Jews.

Judaism is not a race, and it is absolutely proper to convert a child to Judaism regardless of that child's race or ethnicity. Having said that, I also tell couples that Jewish law is far more liberal than Jews. The Jewish community may be slow to accept totally a child of another race, particularly during the difficult teenage years, when dating becomes an issue.

I recommend to every couple who comes for counseling to consider the adoption of a child with special needs. Vicki Krausz, an Orthodox woman from Denver; Colorado, has made her life's mission finding Jewish homes for every Jewish child, particularly those with Down syndrome and other special needs. She has adopted three such children herself (in addition to her own three biological children). She and her husband run the Jewish Children's Adoption Network, a clearinghouse for special-needs children. Although prodding a home for such a child is a great mitzvah, I tell couples that adoption is not an act of charity; it is a way of building a family.

Finally, I urge Jewish couples seeking to adopt to have faith that God will lead the right child to them. In 1985 God heard our prayers. My wife and I had been part of a support group, four couples working together, giving each other moral and logistical support to help each other adopt. (Incidentally, all four couples successfully adopted within one year.) Through this group, we heard about a potential situation. We flew out west to adopt a newborn and then sadly flew back empty-handed. The adoption had fallen through without an agency to oversee the process; independent adoption is far riskier, with more opportunities for fraud. On the other hand, it is also far quicker and gives the adoptive parents more control.

It was Shavuot, the festival celebrating the giving of the Torah. To add to our pain, our synagogue has the tradition of celebrating the Bounty of the Babies, honoring all new babies born into our community in the past year. My wife walked out of services in tears. As I called each baby up, I said my own prayer: "Dear God, next year we will have a new baby of our own."

On that Shavuot morning, a baby girl was born in our own community. We did not even know of her existence. We heard about her through our adoption counselor, but thought we had no chance of adopting her. Two months later, while we were on a family vacation, a member of our support group called. "We have your daughter: Fly home and pick her up." So Aliza Chasha entered our life.

Adoption in Jewish life is as old as the Bible. Unable to have a child of his own, Abraham adopted his servant Eliezer as his heir. Jacob adopted two of his grandsons as sons. Esther was raised by her cousin Mordecai. The classical Jewish statement regarding adoption refers to Michal, the wife of King David: Childless herself, she raised the five sons of her sister Merab. The Talmud teaches, "Merab bore them and :Michal brought them up, therefore they are called by her name. This teaches that whoever brings up an orphan in his home, Scripture ascribes it to him as though he had begotten him" (Sanhedrin 19b). The true parent is the one who raises a child, not the one who gives birth.

Nonetheless, there is no equivalent in Jewish law to civil adoption, which requires the adoptive parents to assume all rights and responsibilities towards the child, becoming the legal parents in every way. In fact, there is no word in classical Hebrew that means adoption. In modern Israel, the word ametz is used, a reference to a branch transplanted to another tree (see Psalms 80:15-16).

Adoption does not change a child's status in Jewish law. Unlike civil law, Jewish law places great importance on bloodlines and lineage. Even if a child is adopted in the civil courts, the child maintains his or her biological identity. Thus, if a gentile child is adopted into a Jewish home, the child remains gentile. To be considered Jewish, the child must go through a formal conversion. If the adoptive father is a Kohen or Levi, this status is not passed on to the adopted child. Conversely, if a Jewish baby whose biological father is a Kohen is placed for adoption, that child will always remain a Kohen. If the baby is the firstborn of a Jewish mother, he requires a Pidyon HaBen (the ritual redemption of the firstborn), even if the adoptive parents have other children.

Any Jewish family that adopts a child should consult a rabbi regarding the child's status as a Jew. Jewish law will differ depending on whether the birth mother is Jewish or gentile. It may seem odd, but many Orthodox Jews will avoid adopting a baby born of a Jewish mother. There is a reason: the baby could be the result of adultery or incest, and therefore a mamzer: By Jewish law, a mamzer cannot marry a Jew of legitimate birth. Because of these concerns, many Orthodox couples prefer to adopt a baby born of a gentile mother, who would not be subject to these laws. I urge any couple who adopts a baby born of a Jewish mother to get written documentation of the child's parentage; it could be invaluable later in life.

All Conservative and Orthodox rabbis require the formal conversion of a child born to a gentile mother. Many Reform rabbis dispense with this ritual, teaching that it is sufficient simply to give the child a Hebrew name. However, such a child, named in a Reform temple, may have difficulties later in life if he or she chooses to affiliate with a more traditional synagogue or marry a Conservative or Orthodox Jew Similarly, an Orthodox rabbi may not recognize a Conservative conversion, and refuse to officiate at the marriage of such a convert.

The conversion ceremony is simple. I have supervised hundreds of them. A baby boy is circumcised by a mohel (on the eighth day if possible, although not an absolute requirement). If he is already circumcised, a symbolic drop of blood is taken in a ceremony called hatafat dam brit (the drop of blood of the covenant). Both a boy and a girl are taken to a mikvah (ritual bath) for immersion. In Jewish tradition, immersion symbolizes rebirth --in this case, the child's symbolic rebirth into the Jewish community. My children were each taken to the mikvah at about the age of four months.

The question often arises, what gives parents the right to convert a non-Jewish infant and raise the child as a Jew? The Talmud notes, "Ray Huna taught, a minor proselyte can be immersed by permission of the court. What does this teach us? [To become a Jew] is to his advantage, and we can act to a person's advantage without his permission. Ray Joseph said, when they come of age, they are permitted to protest their conversion" (Ketubot Ila). In other words, a child adopted and converted to Judaism as an infant has the right to reject the conversion upon reaching the age of majority (12 for a girl, 13 for a boy). On the other hand, an adopted child who grows up in a loving Jewish home and receives a serious Jewish education can reaffirm that conversion. I see the bar or bat Mitzvah ceremony as such a reaffirmation.

Today, conversion has created another crisis within the Jewish community. Most couples want a conversion conducted by an Orthodox rabbi, hoping that the entire Jewish community will universally accept it. More and more Orthodox rabbis refuse to conduct such conversions unless the couple will raise their child following Orthodox religious practices. Most require a couple to keep strictly kosher, live within walking distance from an Orthodox synagogue, fully observe Shabbat, and commit to sending their child to an Orthodox day school.

Jack and Marsha were long-time members and supporters of an Orthodox synagogue, until they brought their baby son home from Romania. Their Orthodox rabbi was at the bris but refused to arrange a mikvah until Jack promised to observe Shabbat strictly. The rabbi told Jack, "Try it for a year so I can convert your son. If you do not like it, you will not have to continue." Jack and Marsha joined a Conservative synagogue, where the rabbi happily supervised the conversion. The Orthodox rabbi let them know that he would not recognize the legitimacy of such a conversion.

The Jewish community is deeply divided about conversion policies for adopted children. Nonetheless, more and more Jewish couples are finding ways to adopt children and bring them into the Jewish community. These children have given the Jewish community a new look, making it more international and more varied. How often people have looked at my lovely blond haired children and said, "Rabbi, they don't look Jewish." Not only are they Jewish, but each goes to a Hebrew day school and is active in our synagogue youth group.

Such adoptions represent a radical change for the Jewish community. My father-in-law, a Holocaust survivor, asked us before his death not to adopt a third child. Although he loved my children, the act of taking a gentile child, converting him, and raising him as a Jew was foreign in his entire outlook. He said, "You were lucky twice, don't take a chance." Thank God we did not listen to him.

By spring 1989, I was receiving countless phone calls from around the nation with questions about adoption. One evening a rabbi called from New York. "Are you the Rabbi Gold involved in adoption? Do you know someone who wants a newborn baby boy?" A member of his synagogue had a European au pair who had given birth and wanted to expedite and adoption plan before she returned home to her family. We could have the baby if we acted quickly.

First we had to arrange a home study. The irony is that the Jewish Family Service was not equipped to help us on short notice, so we turned to the Lutheran Social Services. Then my wife and I flew to New York, went to the hospital, and were immediately asked to leave the hospital grounds. Although a public place, no adoptive parents were allowed in the hospital. (This policy shows our culture's on-going discomfort with adoption as a natural event.)

We sat in the car in the parking lot, while our attorney brought our youngest son, Benjamin Eliezer, to us. He carries my father-in-law's name.

We were now a complete family, with three beautiful, healthy adopted children. We had adopted babies from three birth mothers, in three states, gone through three separate home studies, done three conversions. Our focus would now switch from finding children. Other opportunities to adopt would present themselves during the coming years, but we passed those situations on to other families.

I realize, of course, that my position as a rabbi - a rabbi who was extremely open about his quest - undoubtedly made the process somewhat easier for us. I urge all hoping to adopt to network, using every contact they have.

One of the most perplexing issues, adoptive parents face is the question of openness. Should there be any contact, and if so, how much, between birth parents and adoptive parents? We never met the birth parents of any of our children; nonetheless some limited openness, a meeting, an exchange of letters, a promise to send pictures, can be healthy in some situations, I believe. But an ongoing relationship, where the birth parents become significant adults in the child's life, can undermine the integrity of the family. (Adult children who seek their birth parents should be supported, of course.)

Our children are now 15, 12, and 8. They are all happy and comfortable with their adoption and conversion, although they do occasionally ask about their birth parents. The memory of those emotional times when we pursued adoption has faded, as we experience the day-to-day exhaustion of raising a family. Sometimes people ask me, "Can you really love an adopted child as much as a child of your own?" My answer is always the same, "The moment we held them as babies, they became children of our own."

Any couple with children can tell you that love has nothing to do with genetics. As the midrash teaches, "The one who brings up a child is called its parent, not the one who gave birth" (Exodus Rabbah 46:5).

Credits: Michael Gold