The Truth about Temper Tantrums

You're witnessing your toddler's second temper tantrum of the day. It shows no signs of stopping, and the supersonic, ear-shattering, teeth-jarring screams pierce the air. Your first instinct is to run away and join the circus, but of course this isn't a real option. There must be a better way.

Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. They are equally common in boys and girls and usually occur from age 1 to age 3. Some children may experience regular tantrums, whereas for other children, tantrums may be few and far between.

"Children's temperaments vary dramatically," says Dr. Heidi Feldman, Director of General Academic Pediatrics at the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. "Children come into the world unsocialized with their own temperaments, and some are more prone to tantrums than others." How can you cope with your child's tantrums? Keep reading for tips and tactics on how to minimize tantrums and how to deal with them when they occur.

Tantrum Causes

Even the most good-natured toddler has an occasional temper tantrum. Tantrums are a normal part of development and don't have to be seen as something negative. "Children don't have the same inhibitions or control [that adults have], and the fact that they feel negative emotions is normal," Dr. Feldman explains. "Tantrums should be seen as opportunities for education, not as catastrophes."

There are several basic causes of tantrums that are familiar to parents everywhere: the child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, tantrums are often the result of a child's frustration with the world: she can't get something (for example, an object or a parent) to do what she wants. Frustration is an unavoidable part of a child's life as she learns how people, objects, and her own body work.

Imagine not being able to communicate your needs to someone. Imagine how it feels when you are determined to program your VCR and not being able to do it, no matter how hard you try, because you can't understand how. It's pretty frustrating - do you swear, throw the manual, walk away, and slam the door on your way out? That's the adult version of a tantrum. Children use the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration.

Before age 2, a child begins to develop a strong sense of self. She wants a great deal of independence to express that self and a great deal of control over her environment - more than she is actually capable of handling. The conditions are right for power struggles as the child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me." When a toddler discovers that she can't do it herself and that she can't have everything she wants, the stage is set for a tantrum.

Avoiding Tantrums

The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in the first place, whenever possible.

Make sure your child isn't acting up simply because she's not getting enough attention. To a child, negative attention (a parent's response to a tantrum) is better than no attention. Try to establish a habit of catching your child being good, which means to reward her with attention for positive behavior.

You may also try to give your child some control over little things; this may fulfill her need for independence and can stave off tantrums. Offer a minor choice: orange juice or apple juice? Brushing teeth before or after taking a bath? This way you are not in the position of saying, "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" which inevitably will be answered "no."

If off-limits objects are out of sight and out of reach, struggles are less likely to develop over them. Obviously, this isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment cannot be controlled. Distraction is another option. Take advantage of the child's short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one. Or simply change the environment. Take the child outside or inside or move to a different room.

When your child wants something, consider the request carefully. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your battles; accommodate when you can.

If a safety issue is involved, and the toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time out or hold her firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. The child must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.

Tantrum Tactics

The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced with a child in the throes of a tantrum, no matter what the cause, is simple and crucial: keep cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. "A child will sense a parent's rising emotional tone," Dr. Feldman explains. "That will raise the child's emotional tone, and you'll get into a more exaggerated tantrum. Take deep breaths. Think clearly." Your child relies on you to be the example. Hitting and spanking don't help; physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is OK. Instead, have enough self-control for both of you.

First, try to understand what is going on. Tantrums should be handled differently depending on the cause. "Assess the situation," Dr. Feldman suggests. "Try to understand where the child is coming from. If the child has just suffered a great disappointment, you might need to provide comfort."

It's a different situation when the tantrum stems from a child's being refused something. Toddlers have fairly rudimentary reasoning skills, so you're not likely to get far with explanations. Ignoring the outburst is one way to handle it, if the tantrum poses no threat to the child or others. Continue your activities, paying no attention to the child but remaining within sight. Don't leave her alone, or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions she is feeling.

If the child is in danger of hurting herself or others during a tantrum, take her to a quiet, secluded place to calm down. This also applies to tantrums in public places.

Older kids are more likely to use tantrums to get their way if they have learned that this behavior works. Once a child reaches school age, it is appropriate to send her to her room to cool off. Tell her that she must stay in her room until she has regained control rather than setting a specific time limit. The former option is empowering; she can affect the outcome by her own actions, thereby gaining a sense of control that was lost during the tantrum.

After the Storm

Occasionally a child will have a hard time stopping a tantrum. "Some kids, because of their temperaments, have a really hard time bringing themselves down after a tantrum," said Dr. Feldman. "You might say to them, 'I'll help you settle down now.'"

Do not reward the child after a tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to her that the tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise her for regaining control.

A child may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when she knows she has been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that she is loved, no matter what.

When to See Your Child's Doctor

You should consult your child's doctor if:

*you have questions about what you are doing or what your child is doing

*the tantrums are more frequent or last longer than anticipated

*you are uncomfortable with your responses
you keep giving in

*the tantrums arouse a lot of bad feelings

*the tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration

Your child's doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums, although this is rare. These include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays or a learning disability. Also check with your doctor if the child frequently hurts herself or others, is destructive, or displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence.

Remember, tantrums usually are not cause for concern and generally diminish on their own. As a child's grasp of herself and the world increases, her level of frustration decreases. Less frustration and more control mean fewer tantrums. And happier parents.

Updated and reviewed by: Mary L. Gavin, MD
Date reviewed: November 2002
Originally reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD