The Adoption Manual

As an adoptive parent, I have read every article, book, etc that I can find about adoption. Unfortunately, there is not a large selection of adoption information out there. At first, I was excited to read the articles in adoption.com but as the weeks went by, I began to be appalled at the amount of articles written by birth mothers who were resentful of comments made by people and angry at adoptive mothers because they weren't communicating as often as the birth mother wanted. I was also amazed that there were not many articles pertaining to the adoptive mother's point of view.

Is there a guidebook out there for anyone involved in adoption? If there was, I would buy it! I'll never forget the first time that my son actually understood that he was adopted. Even though we had been telling him about his adoption all of his life, he did not understand what it meant until his cousin gave birth to twins. He assumed that he came from my tummy just as the twins came from their mother's tummy. We were not at home when this conversation came about and he cried in the car and said that he needed his "real" mommy. For months afterward, he would make up stories about his "other mommy far, far away." According to him she was going to come get him and bring him gifts. He would tell others that he had another "mother."

As an adult and an educator, I understood that he needed to talk about it and have fantasies about his birth mother. As a mother, I was devastated. I knew who stayed up with him month after month because to this day, he does not sleep all night. I knew who had taken care of him when he was sick and watched hours and hours of Barney. I also knew who worked two and three jobs to pay for the adoption fees. All I can do is hope that someday that I will have a well-adjusted young son who has lived a happy life and is glad that he was adopted by his father and I.

Our son's adoption is closed. I have gone to the computer many times to register him on the state reunion registry. I have not been able to bring myself to do this at this time. At the time of his birth, his birth mother did not choose to register with the adoption registry. Has she changed her mind since then? I do not know. Could I handle her presence in his life? I do not think so. I have been an educator for 20 years. During this time, I have discovered that my students who live with their grandparents and have limited contact with their mothers have the most behavioral issues. Usually, this happens when the mother drifts in and out of their lives. I cannot help but believe that having his birth mother or family in his life will make his adoptiveness an issue instead of part of who he is, like his skin color and hair color. I do know the last name of his birth mother. I do know his foster mother, and we see her from time to time. I will share his background information with him when I feel that it is an appropriate time. How will I know the appropriate time? I don't. I will just have to hope for the best. This would be a good time to consult that "adoption manual."