Messiness

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Some children are messy by nature, especially if they're active and curious, because these types of kids like to jump quickly from one activity to another. And let's face it, most of the time they feel like they have something better to do than to clean up after themselves. Occasionally, its rebellion against over-controlling or compulsively clean parents. Sometimes, they just have sloppy role models.

Logical consequences

If it involves any place other than their own room, your children shouldn't be allowed to start their next play project before they've picked up after their last one.

If my children don't clean up, I grab a big trash bag, pick up the toys and hide them in the attic for a few weeks. If they ask their whereabouts, I'll say, "Oh yeah, I remember seeing your train set the other day, and I nearly hurt myself tripping over it. I know I put it in a safer place. Hmm, let's see now. Where did I end up putting that dang thing? Oh well, give me some time, and I'll remember it eventually."

If messiness is a big problem, maybe they just have too much stuff. Have them give some of their toys to the needy.

If your children's rooms look like the aftermath of an earthquake registering 9.6 on the Richter Scale, close the door. If they can't find their belongings, tough luck. If they don't have any clean clothes to wear to school, too bad. If they break their toys when they step on them, ho hum.

Solutions toward self-direction

Never nag, plead, beg, threaten, or bribe your children to clean up their messes. They need to develop their own internal nagging system. Never clean up their messes for them!

Use questioning: "What system can you come up with to get your surroundings in order?"

Try humor: Tape a sign on their door that reads "Condemned" or "Quarantined." Tell them the demolition crew is here to finish the job for them.

Use impartial descriptions: "Your room is messy. It must be really hard to find the things you need."

Give information: "Dirty clothes have never been known to walk on their own from the floor to the hamper."

Offer them choices: "When your toys are cleaned up, then you can go on errands with me." "If your clothes aren't in the hamper by the time I start the wash, they won't get cleaned-by me, anyway."

Make observations when they do clean up, "Wow, you picked up all of your toys already. That means you and Sarah have more time to play something else before her mother comes to pick her up."