Pestering, Poking, and Shoving

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

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To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

When children can't be aggressive with their siblings and friends overtly, they'll do so on the sly. The ultimate goal is to get the other kid to cry or whine so much that they wind up getting into trouble, instead. Children pester because they have a low self-esteem, don't receive enough attention, or don't feel a sense of belonging.

Logical consequences

Be aware of the interactions your children have with others. If possible, let them suffer the natural consequences that are sure to occur, like being alienated or hollered at by that friend, having their behavior reciprocated, getting the other child's parents on their backs, and so on.

If they pick on children who are too young to deliver these kinds of consequences, separate them from those kids. If they can't behave nicely with others, they'll have to be stuck with themselves as playmates.

Solutions toward self-direction

Use observations when they refrain from pestering under circumstances when they ordinarily would have: "Henry, you kept your cool when your brother opened his birthday presents. I know how hard it is to do sometimes. Now, he's willing to play with you, and you're both having a great time!"

Give information: "Pestering people makes them not want to have anything to do with you." "We treat others like we want to be treated in our family."

Use questioning: "What are our rules about shoving and poking other people?" "How do you think that makes your sister feel? Do you think she'll want to play with you now?" "How does it make you feel when you're treated like that? What do you need to do to make her feel better?"

Give choices: "Do you want to play nicely with Bradley or go up to your room and play by yourself?"