Promise Breaking

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

for California

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children make promises they don't intend to keep in order to bribe and manipulate others into doing whatever they want. Some simply change their minds. Others, well, maybe they're budding politicians.

Logical consequences

It's your job to help your children uphold their integrity, and this character development means making sure they keep their promises. Many deals will be broken without you ever knowing it, but not to worry, those who your children disappoint will take their revenge. The outside world is brutal that way. Their friends will alienate them, they'll have trouble gaining the trust of others, and those they betray won't have nearly as much regret when they compromise their own integrity in the relationship. Reality bites.

Solutions toward self-direction

If extenuating circumstances cause you to break a promise or commitment with your children, apologize and explain the situation in detail. Let them know that keeping promises is important to you and that you, also, are disappointed at having to go against your word.

Teach your children how to get what they want (or at least try) without resorting to manipulative tactics like breaking promises.

Make keeping promises part of your family's identity with statements like, "We keep our word in this family."

Use questioning: "Why did you find it necessary to go against your word?" "How do you think that makes Taylor feel about you? Do you think she'll trust you in the future?"

Use impartial descriptions: "I thought you gave your sister that yo-yo. She seemed very disappointed when you took it away from her."

Notice when they do keep their promises: "I see you stuck to your promise to help Jimmy with his math after school. I know that's tough since you have football practice later. Jimmy must think it's pretty cool to have a friend like you to rely on."